Telling Mason and Nolan & My (re)start date

So, I broke to the kids that my scan showed that my cancer was back and that soon we would be going back to the cancer schedule where they go to Grandma and Grandpa house every other week.  Mason didn't say much, but Nolan cheered (no kidding - CHEERED) exclaiming, "YEAH!  Grandma give me WAY more treats than you do!  YEAH!"  This display was quickly followed by, "Do you need anything?  How do you feel?"  Apparently, he does know how to stay alive even if it is delayed.  I spoke to Mason later and he said, "I just really thought we would get past this cancer thing and I am excited to be with Grandma and Grandpa especially since they have the Kinect now, but I will miss you."  My sweet boy.

I met with Hank yesterday.  I decided to look good.  I wore my new outfit that Susie (Breast Cancer Survivor Friend) dressed me in from her daughter-in-laws online boutique (luxagogo.com) which included 4 inch heels.  I got my hair cut and done.  I looked good especially for a 42 year old with cancer.  I stopped by the treatment center and asked what days were better between Monday and Tuesdays.  Mondays it is.  Went down to the office.  Did my blood with a new nurse, while saying hi to all the other people by name.  She was like, "You are regular cause you look good?"  "I get that a lot.  And, yes, I am a regular again....you will see me plenty soon Suzanne with a "z"!"  Get into the office with a nurse that is helping out.  She asked, "Are you here just for a checkup?"  Explain again.  "Wow...okay."  Looks are my chart.  "What all have you done?"  "Lots of chemo, bilateral lung surgery, radiation to the pelvis and, my favorite,what every woman likes to say, trans anal tumor removal!"  I start laughing hysterically and she looked at me and said, "You're funny!"  Hank comes in and says, "You cut your hair."  I responded with, "I know you do not like my hair short, but I am going back into chemo and it needs to be easier...."  He stopped me, "I like it."  "Oh?  Okay!"  We chat about stuff...and then we get down to brass tacks.  "Is it in both lungs now?" (me)  "Yes." (him)  "Same chemo?" (me)  "Always worked before." (him)  "I want to be the first in office and the first up so that I get a bed." (me)  "Depends on the schedule, but sure." (him)  "I want to be medicated on the way in (happy drug) and first when I start (more happy drug)." (me) "Done." (him)  "I want to do Mondays." (me)  "Your call - fine." (him)  "I have to start on the 5th or the 19th - the 12th screws up too much stuff AND I have a trip to Toronto in June which would push treatment out to three weeks for one round."  (me)  "Sounds doable.  When do you want to start?"  PAUSE.  "Wha?" (me)  "When do you want to..."  (him)   "You will let me wait that long?"  I interrupt.  "Yes, these are small and if you have something important going on we can wait for the 19th." (him)  "I want to see my son ski.  I have never seen him ski and there is a ski trip with friends I don't see that often." (me)  "Good enough for me. The 19th then."  (him)  IN THAT MOMENT, I AM ON TOP OF THE WORLD.  We say goodbye and I start scheduling with Sharon at the desk.  I get everything I want - day, time, etc.  Everyone is taking down luxagogo.com's website site to go look at the fall sale and I am still on top of the world.  I go upstairs to Michael's desk and give him a copy of my schedule and then run across the street to Rite Aid for hand sanitizer for my impending journey.  I happily get there, get my stuff, leave and learn a VERY important lesson about heels.  One should NEVER, EVER change direction in four inch heels while going downstairs.  Yep, I fell down five steps.  BIG STEEP steps. As I was beginning to fall I said, "I will hurt myself more if I try to correct, so I just need to fall...."  Hand sanitizer in the street, me on the ground, an ACCESS bus stops to see if I am okay, and am laying on the ground laughing my ass off.  I wave the bus driver on, get my hand sanitizer off Madison Ave. and laugh all the way to my car.  Just when I thought I was cute...  Happy Wednesday, Ang

Today...

Today is the first day since my blissful trip to Kauai with the fam that I feel like I should be back to work...clean, cook, work for Heather, etc.  I don't think I got off Hawaii time until yesterday.  Hank, my oncologist,  let me go to Kauai, but said, "As soon as you get home, you need a PET Scan."  So, dutifully, I did on Wednesday.  So, back to Kauai for a second.  This was the best trip in terms of my health and my boys.  I was energized by them.  We spent all sorts of time together.  They are so smart and funny and happy.  At one point going to the car after swimming at Karissa's pool, I stopped them and said, "Hang on....look at me.....I need you to know that this moment, right now, is one of the best of my life."  Nolan looked at me in Nolan's way and said, "Why?" (translation - what the heck are you talking about.....we are walking AWAY from the pool, through a field to the car to go to dinner - I hate dinner!)  The sun was just about the set, the breeze was brushing the back of my neck.  It was the perfect temperature and the last night in Kauai.  I replied, "Because I am in my most favorite place on earth with my two of my most favorite people."  Mason smiled Mason's sweet smile and Nolan looked at me like, "Whatever.  Can we get out of the field?"  So, fast forward to today.  I am going to clean the house, getting ready to work with Heather, go to school because Mason is getting another award at an all school assembly today and our financial advisor is coming over tonight - MUST CLEAN HOUSE.  Then, the phone rings.  Hank.  "I am so sorry that I have to tell you this on the phone....."  My cancer is growing and now there are more new spots in my lungs.  Cyberknife is off the table.  Chemo.  "When do I start?" my voice shaking.  "Let's meet next week and schedule it out."  I have until Tuesday at 3:00pm to learn what my next months/year will be like.  So, today......I will cry.  I will feel sorry for myself.  I will rage at God.  HOWEVER, I will also clean my house, get ready for Heather, go to school to see Mason, meet with the financial planner.  Cancer don't get everything.  Ang