Friday, June 8, 2007

June 8th - I ate a whole bowl of cereal today

I haven't eaten anything really since the evening of June 6th, but today was different. Yesterday, my aunt came to the house. My mom was here. They cleaned my floors, took Nolan for a walk and helped with Mason. I got countless visitors and lots of food. Yesterday, I realized what Karma was. Karma is what you put out there and what comes back. I was thinking that I must have wished this on myself, that maybe I didn't eat right, or that maybe I was given this because of something bad I had done. I don't believe that anymore - or at least not today. Today, I believe this was all supposed to happen this way. Colon/rectal cancer is usually asymptomatic (meaning there are no symptoms). I did have symptoms in November right before Thanksgiving. I made an appointment my doctor, and then, for whatever reason ALL of my symptoms disappeared. Thinking that all of this was just hemorrhoids, I canceled the appointment. Here is why I believe that this happened. I have probably had this cancer for a while, maybe as much as a few years. If I had known I had it, I would have NEVER pursued fertility. While my body was growing two beautiful babies, it was killing itself at the same time.....okay stay with me......so, if I had known, I would not have had Mason and Nolan. If I had known in November, I would have just had the goal to birth Nolan. But see, now I have Nolan and now he smiles at me and now he talks to me everyday. And everyday, I look forward to that. So, if I would have known, I would have died. If the symptoms would have continued in November, I would not be here today. And, despite the diagnosis, the doctors have not given he a death sentence. I am treatable and we are treating it. I have very good friend who told me (a few years ago now) that he wanted to do the weather on national television, but he thought the odds of doing it were too small. I told him, "Somebody's got to report on the weather, it might as well be you." I had to say it a few times, but he got it and now he does report the weather on national television. Despite the odds. So, my cancer is treatable and there are survivors, so with a little luck, a lot of hard work, a lot of prayers from you, and Mason's and Nolan's smiles everyday, I will persevere. The stats say that there are survivors, IT MIGHT AS WELL BE ME. Please have a great weekend because today is a great day and I am positive - be positive with me. See the sun, smell the flowers on the way home from work, kiss your kids (and your cats) and love your life. Sincerely, Ang THE BADASS (as beautifully put by my lovely Caitlin)

14 comments:

laurie@duncancleary.com said...

Hallelujah and amen.

Love you --

Laurie

Anonymous said...

Angie,
So glad to read your note this morning,Was good to hear your positive words.
Please let me know what I can do to help either food,weeding, taking the boys for a few hours or just coming to visit.
Plus I will bring your Grandma over to see you when ever you would like.Just let me know.
My thoughts are with you and you family.
Take care my friend.
Love Peggy Smith

charlene gorman said...

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charlene gorman said...

Angela< just read your message. Your spunk and spirit are amazing. I have friends that beat the odds and know that you can too. Keep strong, let your feelings out and lean on your family and friends. In life that is all we really have--our feelings for each other. You remain in our special thoughts and prayers.

Charlene, Deb's Mom

Elaine said...

Dear Angie, Dan and I are so sorry to hear of your cancer. Having just finished the chemo and radiation myself I certainly identify with all the fears and emotions you are going through. Here is the most important thing I learned. If I got upset the chemo laid me out but if I could somehow keep myself in a positive place it was "doable" and life was okay. Stress puts poisons into your system that make the chemo and radiation really affect you. I told everyone that I was only to hear positive things and for the duration of treatment I lived "in pixy dust and star world". You are going to be so blessed like I was to find all the amazing people who love you and want and do help you. Let them. They need to and you need to. We love you. Elaine and Dan

Joan Anderson said...

Angie,
I have not written or posted before now because I simply had no idea how to translate my feelings into words. You have most certainly been in my thoughts and prayers, and I have been grateful for your updates. Your post today truly moved and inspired me. I know first hand that the Karma you have put out in the world is full of love, laughter and kindness. You are a fighter and a survivor! If there is anything I can do to help please let me know. You go girl!

Anonymous said...

Angie -- Cathy forwarded me the web address for you and I got on today. As you might remember me from college, I wanted to say hello as we have not spoken in probably 15 years or so. I have been thinking of you today and my prayers and hopes go out to you and your family. Let me know if there is anything you need from Spokane (something from the Bulldog or Jack and Dan's??) A positive attitude and approach can do wonders!! khansen@dvtel.com Kirk Hansen

Rae Ann said...

Ang,

We are thinking of you and Grant during this difficult time but of all the people I know, you have the inner strength to get through this.
You inspire me with your positive attitude and your sense of humour.
Hold those boys close.

Rae Ann

Anne Marie said...

Angie, You certainly have Karma coming back to you tenfold. At the time you left your posting this morning, I was undergoing my regular acupuncture treatment and I was thinking of you (and at that time may have actually been saying your name). I was trying to send you strength through the miles just as you sent me yours. Keep up the badassin'.

Sister Diane said...

Ang, I sure don't believe in Karma because I don't believe in mystical "woo-woo" stuff (plus I'd be in bad shape!) But I do believe in a loving and just God who rains on the good and the evil. He can give you peace and comfort. I pray that He will wrap His fingers around your heart and hold you and Grant close.

Anonymous said...

Ang,
It's been forever since we last saw or even spoke to each other but Grace has kept me well informed over the years. I was thrilled to hear about the birth of your sons and am now heartbroken to hear about your cancer. I can tell from reading your posts and the comments from your many friends that you are still the strong, determined and much loved girl I knew in college. You will beat this - cancer has nothing on you! My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Love Cathy Balsdon Cook

Anonymous said...

Dear Angie: What a positive message, when you feel better I feel better. Maggie's brother Ward,
the guy who was head of Cardiology at the U.W. Medical school has had very severe lung cancer for the past three years. When first diagnosed they gave him 3 to 6 months to live but after several series of Chemo and Radiation he is still going 3 years later.
I have a couple of suggestions for you, when you encourage people to smell the flowers and kiss their kids (AND CATS) you forgot for those of us without kids at home (all grown) or cats to hug their dogs. We have a 90 pound monster that we hug constantly, sometimes for no reason at all. She helps us through the bad times and the good times. One other thing Ang as I read your blog I see few men writing, maybe if you included a few scores from ball games or perhaps the results of some boxing matches we could get them to write, but then you know what wussies men are when it comes to saying "I love you". Pat & Maggie

John & Trina said...

Hola Senora, Buenos Dias, Como esta? Good morning Ang, glad to see you've had a couple of better days.The yard looks great,I'm sure Grant was surprised,you and Michelle did a great job.A few years back when Trina and I played on our church softball team together we memorized part of Psalm 139(forgot most of it). Reading it this morning, and praying for you,I know that God is with you as you start this most difficult journey.Sometimes you are going to just have to give it all up to Him since we just don't have all the answers.By the way, you are obviously a Bad-Ass, in more ways than one. Love ya,John P.S. Mariners WIN in 11(6-5)!!!

Anonymous said...

As I gazed to my left I saw a hummingbird zip past my living room window. She returned in a heartbeat to hover and look in on me, enshrowded in mist off the lake. I think to myself that MommaDot has returned at last. Our Guardian Angel. How interesting that I was listening to "May It Be" by Enya ~ written for Lord of the Rings - Fellowship of the Ring. So Angela, my friend, this is sent directly from my heart to yours, may it be....

May it be an evening star
Shines down upon you
May it be when darkness falls
Your heart will be true
You walk a lonely road
Oh! How far you are from home

Mornie utulie (darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornie alantie (darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now

May it be shadows call
Will fly away
May it be your journey on
To the light of day
When the night is overcome
You may rise to find the sun

Mornie utulie (darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornie alantie (darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now

A promise lives within you now