Friday, September 13, 2013

And then I cried.

Yesterday was, well, fun if love needles and pain.  I have learned to be pretty good with it, but wow.  So, at 9:00am we went to the CT Scanner and I was suppose to lay as close to how I lay during my PET/CT scan.  Easy.  Local pain killer was injected, but nothing else because your lung moves when you breath and you have to be able to hold your breath.  No happy drugs for this one!  This was harder than they thought and after 45 mins on in an out, calling for a 25 gauge needle (that is HUGE) and asking me if this hurts or is it just pressure, I was unable to breathe "normally".  It is really hard to breathe when a needle is going in and out of your lung.  Your body is trying to protect itself and you your brain is trying to allow it to happen.  We finally came to, "Angie, I have another opportunity.  I will have to start all over and it will hurt.  You will have to hold your breath as long as you can."  My reply, "Do it.  I am NOT getting off the table until we get it."  The tech came in, held my left hand and by the end was holding my forehead down to keep me still.  I was doing everything to not move (somewhat unsuccessful), tears were streaming down my face wetting my hair on either side.  And then they said it, "Fluids out.  You are a trooper."  They bandaged me up, told me test results would start coming in soon, but probably next week.  Grant took me home.  I didn't do much but sit on the couch and work on the upcoming fundraiser for school.  I emailed Hank and scheduled with him for next week - Friday.  His voice kept coming into my head, "Angie, if it is cancer on the right side and we know we have cancer in the left, we may have to consider chemo."  Systemic approach.  I slowly close my eyes and breathe.  Mason was still home but way on the mend.  The school open house was last night and we all went.  I hurt, but not enough to miss it.  Went to bed right when we got home.  This morning I dropped the kids at school, did a couple things, and have a meeting at 11 with the principle.  I got home, chatted with Karissa while prepping for my meeting - she got new kitties and they are so cute!, and then I hung up and went to my email.  Hank emailed - no subject.  I open it, "Cytology on the fluid is negative.  Good work.  hk"  No cancer on the right side.  And then I cried.  Happy Happy Happy Friday, Ang

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Lighting speed....

My doc that is going to take the fluid from my lung calls me and says, "Did you take your Lovenox today because I would like to get the fluid this afternoon.  We have a small window of opportunity to get this fluid."  No kidding!  So, with one kid sick and a teacher training today and two more kids coming home, I was like, "Today is a bit tight, but tomorrow I am all yours."  "Great, Donna will call and schedule it."  Thank God I have so many people to drive me, watch my kids, and take care of everything.  So, it begins.....

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Well, it is not perfect, but workable....

I got the call today during Leadership Committee at my sons' school.  Mason had to be picked up early.  Fever and exhaustion.  Then, 45 mins later, I picked up Nolan.  The 10 mins later I left for Leadership.  Thank Goodness I have a babysitter that is flexible! Call came in at 4:30.  He asked me how I was doing, what I was doing, etc. I told him and he said, "You are really amazing."  And I feel it...I now get to juggle more, don't I?  "There are two things that we have to look at.  One, is the same place we did cyberknife. (That is in my left lung.)  I looks like it is back and we have an email out to the Doc to see if she can treat it, but I think she can.  (She is on vacation!)  Two, you have fluid in your right lung."  I explained to him that it made sense.  Something has been up with my right lung.  I just figured it was anxiety, guess I was wrong.  He said it was super small, so I would not have been able to feel it.  Okay, maybe I am super sensitive!?!?!?!  So, tomorrow, I will get a call and set the appointment to get the fluid removed and tested.  If it tests positive, we may treat it or I will be back in chemo.  We will do cyberknife again to the other side if that is possible.  It really is still up in the air.  The giant yes/no chart in the sky.....

Is this perfect?  No.  Is it workable?  Yes.  Is it what I want?  No.  Do I like chemo is back inching its way on the table. ABSOLUTELY F&*()@*#&#*($&%@#(KING NOT.  Am I at death's door?  No, far from it.  Am I annoyed?  Yes.  So......tomorrow, I will be okay, but tonight I will feel it.  If I don't it will creep up on me, it will shadow me, and it will scare me.  Yes, tonight I will curl up with my sick boy and take care of him......because tomorrow and the next day and the next day is all I need.  I just need to string them all together to make into a lifetime.  I will be fine tomorrow.  Ang

Friday, September 6, 2013

And with a haircut a summer is gone...

Settle in, preferably with a beer (or coffee if it is the am), this is a long one...

Summer.  This summer was great wasn't it?  Hot, dry, sunny, beautiful.  You could actually depend on the weather.  We had an amazing summer.  Well, there was camping at Mt. Rainier during a lighting storm and so much rain that Grant was digging trenches around the tent with a Frisbee and our inflatable mattress was literally floating in a puddle under the tent.  Somehow we stayed dry enough for the boys to sleep through and once Grant's adrenaline subsided to sleep a little.  All I said was, "The faster we go to sleep the faster we wake up."  We dried everything out the next day and went home after dinner and before the rain.  Basketball camp was fun for the boys.  Nolan is a true fan - quite a little basketball player he will be.  And then the grand finale....a road trip.  We started in Republic, WA.  We had lunch in Soap Lake and Drive In where you "phone in' your order - boys loved it!  Did the Grand Coulee Dam tour and rolled into the Lake Curlew Campground at 5ish.  We set up, cooked dinner with 100 yellow jackets, and the boys met Johnny.  Johnny just got a fishing pole and there was a dock.  The rest of the evening was spent doing catch and release off the dock.  The boys had so much fun and smelled so much like fish!  Crazy boy fun.  The next day we went to the fossil museum and dug for fossils, the car museum in Curlew and the haunted Hotel in Curlew (but due to lack of demand the were closed on Sunday - really that means they are only open on Saturday).  Sleepy place.  We had so much fun digging we went BACK to the fossil place on Monday morning.  That morning we got up and Grant thought about showering and I was like, "No worries, we will shower in Idaho.  We are just going to get dirty this morning."  Remember, fish, dirt, fossils, camping.  He agreed and off we went.  Digging, dirty and then off to a campground in Idaho for showers.  Just an overnight to get to Essex the next stop.  When we got there, Grant and I were looking around, and Grant said, "Ang, this is a National Forest."  Already realizing that and the general lack of showers in National Forest Campgrounds, I was like, "Yes, Grant.....I thought is was a State Park....there is always the lake..."  FYI - I HATE BATHING IN LAKES AND HE IS SUPER DUPER AWARE OF THAT.  So, we set up camp.  Nolan proceeds to get dirtier than he already was playing cars in the dirt, soccer and tripping his brother who tripped him back, etc. The boys went down to the lake to "check it out".  There was no bathing in there.  First, there was a sign and then there was the fierce waves like serious skull pounding into the shore waves.  Oh well.  I guess this is what it is like to be homeless.  Have dinner and this time we had dinner will 5000 yellow jackets.  No traps at the National Parks.  We were pretty much done with it when one landed on Nolan's plate and proceeded to drag a piece of Kielbasa off that was half its size.  Grant and I exhaled and were like - we are DONE.  Next stop, Izzac Walter Inn and staying in the converted luxury diesel engine.  Laundry, restaurant, bar, game room.  Yeah...that will be welcomed.  Next day, wake up, eat breakfast as fast as we can with our 5000 buddies and off to Kalispell where Grant and I spend a lot of time when we first dated.  He worked on site in Montana quite a bit.  We stopped by the grocery store and loaded up so that we could take FULL advantage of our kitchen in our converted luxury diesel engine.  We got gas and off we went again.  When we arrived at the Inn and checked in for the converted luxury diesel engine (yes, I like saying it), I can just imagine what we looked like.  I went in alone.  Checked in and when I was just about done one of owners (which I found out later) explained to me how to get assistance after 10pm since I was not staying inside the Inn and they locked it tight at 10pm.  It was very confusing and I think I started to stink, but I replied to all of these instructions with, "Sir, I am woman that needs a shower, a laundry room, and to shave my legs.  None of which I will need assistance with and surely no assistance after 10pm.  You will not be hearing from us."  He chuckled and said, "My staff will appreciate that." and we were treated like gold from the rest of the visit.  Glacier National I would strongly recommend  to anyone and I would also recommend the red bus tour.  So amazing and the short half day Secret Valley tour is the one we went on.  Perfect.  The boys LOVED it.  The guide amazing.  The history worth every penny.  We spent one day just at the lodge.  Little hikes, playing shuffleboard (which was off the bar and the only place to get internet), watching trains and playing in our engine - a vacation from our vacation.  The last day we did the Road to the Sun and lunched at Logan Pass.  We did the hike to the Hidden Lake Lookout and saw Mountain Goats, fat squirrels, and marmots.  The day was great but now we were going into the unknown - Bynum, Montana.  Even people from Montana do not know where Bynum is.  Population 23.  No potable water.  We roll in about 6:00pm.  The Dinosaur Museum that we are going on a dig with closes at 6:30.  We check in about the next day and see the museum.  We ask where we should stay and tell them about our friendly encounter with yellow jackets.  They say, "The yellow jackets are very friendly here too."  We leave and go to the next town to find lodging or camping, but Grant and I just can't seem to get it together for camping.  Too many bees and we would have to go shopping again.  We also just found out that our dig the next day would last until 6:30 at night rather than 4 because they need so much help.  So, we caved.  We went to the Stage Stop Inn with a pool and free breakfast.  The boys were in heaven with pool.  I was in heaven with the restaurant across the street.  I never dine somewhere two nights in a row, but I did there and happily.  Amazing people; amazing HOMEMADE food.  Couple things I will say about Montana - you can take kids to bars and the food is good.  I like that, but my mama is from there, so there it is.  The Dinosaur dig was cool and yes, we got to bring home what is called float dinosaur bones.  The boys were amazing.  It was hot and we were fully clothed for the sun.  They didn't complain once.  We got to actually dig on sites.  I found stuff; Grant found stuff.  And when everyone switched except for me, my guide let me pick up against the bone (with heavy supervision), but it was so fun!  I think we are all paleontologists now.  We got back to the Stage Stop and needed showers.  The boys went to the pool and then we all went to dinner.  Best day.  We explained that the next day was going to be a LONG day in the car.  The longest we had ever had - probably 13 hours.  The boys didn't flinch.  They wanted to get home.  We started out right after breakfast.  Long lunch in Wallace, ID, traffic in Cle Elum and home in 12 hours.  Three times I heard the boys say, "That was the best trip ever."  My heart sang.  Three short days later we started school.  I hit PTA hard.  Mia was at the house because all childcare shuts down right before school.  She learned a lot about dinosaur bones and I got my girl fix.  And then we went for haircuts.  The boys did not cut their hair all summer.  I liked it.  It was long and soft.  The curls started to show and Nolan didn't look like such an Auschwitz victum.  But they wanted it cut before school and and they wanted to go to the barber.  "Buzz cut number 3 please - all over" Nolan requested.  And the curls gentlely tumbled down.  As I watched I remembered, scan is coming.  School is coming.  How am I going to balance PTA co-President with chemo?  There is no coach for Nolan's basketball skill camp.  I could do it, but what if I have to go back?  And then it was done.  School started, PTA has been BUSY, and my scan in on Tuesday the 10th.  All with a haircut, we continue.  The break over.  Damn, it was a great summer.  Love, Ang