Normal Life

Since Christmas, I have been doing really well, but sometimes this normal life thing is busy - holy cow! Lots has happened since I last emailed, Grant and I passed the New Year on a date (not in chemo) that was nice, I am still doing my mini job, and, now, working for him. Yep, Grant FINALLY started his own business which is wonderful and a little scary all at the same time (thank God for home equity loans because no one else will give us a loan now!). He has wanted this for so long I can't tell you. When we were first married and I said, "Who is going to hire someone with less than 10 years of experience?". In 1998, he asked again, and I said, "You need an MBA." In 2001, he got one. Then, we wanted children and by the time we got done with fertility and pregnancy, I said, "Are you NUTS?!? We are having a baby!" Then, we had another, then, I got cancer. Now, he has 18 years of experience, an MBA, two kids that are not babies, and I am cancer free. Basically, I got nothin'. So, "Crete" was started. It has some symbolism. Grant loved ReTec where he started 18 years ago. Crete is a word scramble of that. It is also an island which he and his partner found they liked, but most of all Grant loves nicknames for employees. Yes, I told him several times as an HR director that is not advised, but he "selectively heard", it was. So, he now, if he is successful enough to ever have "paid" employees (unlike myself) he can call them "cretins" and when they leave, he can call them "excretins". He LOVES that part. He is a classy guy. So, onward Cretins, may you flourish!!!! (I will remain unpaid therefore dodging the title.) So, in all of this, I juggle. And then, real life happens......I get a call. Thirty five year old woman, two small kids, married, Stage Four Colorectal Cancer. She is my oncologist's patient. I call the cancer center - she goes in tomorrow. I tell them I am coming and they say, "She needs to hear it from you - not us - you." I put together a "kit" of items that she may not have, a list of things she may need, and I blow through the doors of the treatment center. I don't even think about how I haven't been there since treatment.......I go to her room and one of the nurses says, "Hey, they called to tell me you were coming - she needs to see you now." She interrupts the Social Worker and says, "Shelly, you need to talk to this cancer patient." I feel like looking behind me because I can't been that important, but again, as I surprise myself. I enter the room, say hi, and ask how she is doing. She says, "I've been better." And I reply, "I know - this sucks." Her husband looks tired and the social worker doesn't say a word. So, we begin, at the beginning. She is scared and I am confident. She has fight in her eyes - I like that. We talk for a while and I tell her I will be back in two weeks. Wow, the difference two weeks makes - now, she is confident, and calm. She told me about her "good week". She is determined and amazing. I tell her I will be back in two weeks. BTW - yes, I got the lecture about "taking care of myself". Bob would have gone; and will I - GAME ON. Not much later, I get a call at 7:30 in the morning. It is one of my college friends. One of the ones that I went to Leavenworth with. I answer, "What is wrong?" "______'s Dad died suddenly last night" she cries. Life. Normal. Life. The beauty in the sadness is that, as we always do, we get together, combine frequent flyer miles, buy down tickets, got free lodging from a friend of a friend and we will all be there - for her. There will be hundreds, if not many more, at this particular funeral. We may not even see her - but she knows we will be there. So, if you could say a little prayer for Shelly who charges on; and for my friend who loved her Dad, that would be great. Life. Normal. Heroic. Sad. Beautiful. Worth it. Love, Ang

Merry Christmas!!!

For the past two Christmas', I either didn't want to eat or couldn't eat most of what was offered. This Christmas I had to buy what a girlfriend nicely refers to as "transitional" jeans. Yeah, I am eating EVERYTHING. I haven't been to a mall (outside of Santa pictures) during Christmas for three years. And, I was able to walk to both ends....twice - in the same trip. I was able to comparison shop in person and not be limited to the Internet. I got to see my children participate in their Holiday Sing. This is the first time I have been there for that. They now sing those songs in the back of the truck to and from school. I got to experience the total hysteria a two year old and a five year old can spin themselves into over Santa and Christmas. I got to see Mason set up the nativity scene with Baby Jesus, Ms. Claus (Mary) and all her farm animals. Then, he started break dancing with the Kings. I might have a little bit of work to do on that score.....y'think???? I got to hear my youngest son speak to Santa AND have Santa understand him. So, while I sometimes find myself foundering a bit in my new place in the world (between patient and survivor), I am enjoying my Christmas present this year and quite frankly having the best Christmas of my life (although the year I got my Teddy Bear is a very close second!). Also, for those of you that have been wondering.....no I did not do Christmas Cards this year. Maybe it was because I didn't have them done by April (I hand stamp them), but I just didn't have it in me this year. I will however write a "Christmas Letter" for you.....it is the voice of my boys.......

Merry Christmas to me, no ME, NO ME, NO MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Mason: It is Christmas and SANTA is coming. I am a Christmas baby - Mommy said so. I have been really good, but Mommy was a little disappointed in us. Something about the Nativity scene. I don't know why - that dude can really move his booty!! Then, Mommy was making us read lots of books about farming and a baby being born in some straw. I told her it was sad and I didn't want to read it anymore. She asked how it was sad and I said, "Cause no one wanted him and he had to sleep in a barn, not a hospital!" That made her laugh and she put the books away, but now whenever Nolan sees straw, like when we went to see the Reindeer last weekend, he is looking for a baby. Did I tell you how good I have been? Well, I think we have, but the elf that is watching our behavior to tell Santa brought us a "Responsibility Chart". I think that it is a message from Santa that we are not really doing that well. Mommy said Santa will probably still come because we are trying really hard. I don't know what she is taking about, I have manners! Like when I asked why we weren't staying with Grandma and Grandpa during Christmas so that I could play with Grandpa's Christmas train and she said, "Because I am not sick anymore." I thought about saying, "So, when are you going to be sick?" I actually started to say it, but then I stopped (Mommy was looking at me really weird) and I didn't say it. I just said (in what my Mom would describe as a sheepish way), "When can I go to Grandpa's?" After she said, "Way to pull that one out Mason", she told me that we would spend Christmas Eve there and that we are spending the night on New Year's Eve. YEAH!!!!! See!!!!! I got them manners (proper English is another thing)!!!! Nolan can't talk this year....well, he can talk, but he doesn't make any sense even to me. Mommy and Daddy say he is ramped up. I think he is a pain in the butt. Mommy said that he isn't a pain in the butt and she knows what that is. All Daddy wants for Christmas is for Nolan to go to Grandma and Grandpa's for the entire month of December. I think he is going to ask Santa for that, but I don't think you can do that. Santa doesn't listen to parents - you have to go to Santa photos for that. Nolan: What?!?!?! There is a letter!?!?!?! SANTA SANTA JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP SANTA SANTA SANTA JUMP JUMP JUMP..........

Merry Christmas everyone!!! Love, Angie, Grant, Mason, and NOLAN!!!!!!

Coming out of the fog....

Tuesday was exhausting and Wednesday was like I was coming out of a fog. I was happy, relieved, clear headed, and then realized, "OMG! It is CHRISTMAS! I better get on the ball!!!" My Mom was a yo-yo helping me out all week. I wasn't organized. I was distracted. I was then panicked. Seriously, cheers to her for being such a trooper - I would have written me off - seriously. In all my busyness......as I was doing all those Christmas things......my mind kept going .........."Why did those four (five if you count the previous shooting earlier this fall) police officers have to die?"........."Why did _______ (cancer patient) die? He wasn't much worse of than me, was he?"........."Why didn't chemo work on Bob like it did me?" Welcome to SURVIVOR GUILT. When you finally realize that the entire world doesn't revolve around you and why on the war with cancer, life, etc, you are left standing and your friend, your acquaintance, or even just a stranger, is not anymore. I think I finally get what my friend who wanted to switch places with me was feeling. And, I am embarrassed to say that I haven't really felt this yet which tells me I am either hyper focused on survival, or shallow. I am hoping for the first. Don't worry - I am enjoying the season, but it has a little bit of a bittersweet taste to it. As I am dancing to, "Santa got a Semi" and "See Santa to the Mambo" with my boys and my aunt in the living room, I am reframing every moment, every thought, every smell, and every memory.......maybe for me, but definitely for them.......as if they could feel it through me. It definitely puts a different spin on Christmas. Cheers, Ang

"You're Clean."

With a phone call and a "You're clean.", I got what I wanted for Christmas - actually for the last three Christmas'. Today has been up, down, horrible, weird, wonderful, and ultimately exhausting. One phone call and two words later, it all fell away and was perfect. (I will tell you about the weird part later!!!!) Thank you for your thoughts and prayers - off to bed - Ang

Scan is on Monday.

but Mason's birthday is on Saturday!!!! TOMORROW!!!! I have had a bit of a busy week because I have cleaned the house, decorated for Christmas, and Mason's birthday etc etc etc. It has been good for me. The bad part is when I wake up in the middle of the night and my mind goes to the scan. My anxiety has gotten the best of me a couple of times, but then I get emails with pictures like this. So how can I be sad when there is so much to laugh about!!!! Thank you Patrick!!!! Happy weekend!!! Love, Ang

Things are MUCH better!

I rested, took naps, and got caught up in daycare projects. WHEW! In fact, I am so much better that when I found Nolan eating a snack today after I said twice, "No snack today because you didn't eat a good breakfast (which was still on the table waiting for him)." He looked at me, covered his head with his blanket and kept eating with crinkle crinkle crinkle coming from under the blanket, I just laughed. He beats to his own drummer...... Happy Monday, Ang

My own worst enemy

So life has been truckin' along just great. I went on my first trip BY MYSELF to NYC to visit with friends. I had an amazing trip. These are friends that I have known for 18 years. We have lived all over the country (actually they have, I stay put) and we have met up in Boston, Altanta, Phoenix, Chicago, Charlotte, Rutherton (you are not supposed to know where that is, or how to pronounce it), and NYC. We have been to each others weddings, cried over events in our lives and, of course, they have cared for me through cancer. While we were there, we went shopping for ingredients for dinner. We spend a lot of time doing that. They made me rest which was good, we laughed, watched movies, slept, cooked, etc. The first day was hard for me. I didn't know if I would get back to Manhattan again. We are a very special three. I can't describe it. We are so different, yet connected. I am a better person for knowing them - I am so lucky. We were all sitting on the couch and I wished that in 10/20 years we would still "be". I stayed in this misty place for a while, then, when we were walking through Central Park we came to the only straight path with these amazingly huge majestic trees. The colors were awesome and the power in this area of the park was tremendous. I, of course, got quiet and then my NYC friend said, "This is the one place in the park that I just don't like....it is straight and in a city that is so angular, I just hate this. Central park is about curves....BLAH BLAH BLAH." MOMENT GONE. Did I mention we were different????? So, here is how all of this works in with the title of the post....before I left life was busy, the computer died (after three hours on the phone with tech support), we went to Disney on Ice (which is surprisingly exhausting for the parents), I was doing too much, cooking every night, shopping, stocking the freezer, doing little things for friends, cleaning the house, etc. etc. etc. I went to NYC which used to infuse me with energy and now drains me because I am different now - two kids and cancer will do that to a person. I got home, took a shower, when to bed and exhaled. I thought, "I am back. I can do it all. I defied the odds. Screw you cancer." Yeah, there was my mistake....for those of you that have been with me for a while you always respect the cancer. The reality is I am doing great, no, I am doing amazing, but I need to take care which is a challenge for me. Y'know, I am kinda challenge based girl....laundry check, work check, survive cancer check, visit friends in NYC check, Mason knows the alphabet check, Nolan is turning three check maybe he will stop being so stubborn check, etc. Anyway, back to the story, so I wake up on Tuesday see Grant off and start laundry. Well, we quickly realize that Grant and the boys left ALL their bathing suits at the Y the night before at swimming lessons. Grant had nothing to say except, "CRAP, they must be there.....Nolan was screaming." That is code for - I can't hear myself think when that guy is screaming . So, I got the boys dressed, get in the car, see emergency vehicles at the neighbors that is a cancer patient, roll down the windows to the truck, run down, advise the EMTs, call the wife, get back into the car, go to the Y, got the bathing suits, returned home, neighbor at the hospital and "fine", started thinking about what is for dinner, went out to the pantry and found someone or several someones have made it their pantry too. I have never had a mouse problem and I don't do mice. Grant had been managing this. The only thing I can say to that is that in the war between my husband and mouse, mouse wins. Call the exterminator. They come tomorrow. Do all my shopping that night for the week because I REFUSE TO TOUCH ANYTHING IN THE PANTRY. Wednesday, I am trimming a whole beef tenderloin because I think, wow it is a lot cheaper to do it this way and, heck, I have the time. (Was I high?) I wrap everything up into the freezer except for the roast for that night. Exterminator leaves making my garage a literal mouse trap. I finally sit down and realize, "CRAP, we have swimming, I am not making a nice dinner tonight." So, I decide to make it while the kids are sleeping so that Grant has a nice dinner while we are at swim lessons. I brown the roast, stick it in the oven, prepare the potatoes, pull the roast out being careful because the pan is hot, move the roast to rest, turn to deglaze the pan and decide to my the pan to a different burner........do you see how this is shaping up??? Yeah, I grabbed the pan with my hand. 500 degrees. After having finishing up quickly, calling Grant, Grant taking the kids to swimming, and me having my hand in ice water for four hours I decide to go to the doc. My oncologists office calls and says, just go see someone tonight. (You call them about fevers and burns - always - because of the risk of infection and even though I am doing great my immune system is still questionable). The nurse at my everyday clinic says go to ER. So, I decide, with the help of my neighbor, to go to the urgent care clinic. I then look in the mirror and say, "Well great, I haven't showered again because I thought I was doing swimming today. Why is it that every time I go to the ER/Urgent care I smell??" Lucky them. Anyway, I am pretty sure they were not 3rd degree, but they said I was describing third degree burns....anyhoo, I was in and out in 40 mins, gauze wrapped, and with pain pills. First and second degree burns over 40% of my hand. They wanted me to come back the next day to be sure the swelling went down, no fever, and that is was going in the right direction being a cancer patient. My neighbor drives me home, I walked into the garage - oh look, one down, fabulous, I want to vomit....I go to bed, get up, do my daily things but can't do everything because my hand is pounding, so I rest. That did it....I rested. I was exhausted, boys came home from school, got them to bed, burn is looking so much better (I did go to the the clinic and they are amazed at my recovery), and went to bed at 7:45. I woke up in the middle of the night and remembered all the things I had planned for the weekend. They are all fun, but I can't do them. This spiraled into a mental game of the cancer is winning, I am a lamo that is going to bail at the last minute, what a disappoint, when will I learn, which continued to spiral until I was over the toilet vomiting. Sounds like a train wreck, right? It is. I ended up sleeping for 11 hours and I am better today, I am calm and more forgiving of myself. I know that I need to retreat a bit, take care of myself, and rest. So, I have cleared my schedule and will a homebody, resting, and understanding that I can't do it all. Maybe someday I will accept that...then again maybe not. This has taken me forever to type this, BUT my hand continues to improve. Lavender oil is amazing for burns! I will be better next week and that is what I wanted after all a good thanksgiving. If I don't post before then, Happy Thanksgiving to you. Love, Ang