Monday, January 26, 2009

Little questions...

Well, last week is becoming a distant memory except for three things. First, this was the first time I have been away from home this long since Kauai. It was been a good experience. My parents and I learned how to work as a team with the two kids. It has been pretty nice actually. There is always someone around to help or watch or assist. I now see why generations live together. Don't worry Grant. I still want to come home today and I will be alone. ;) It was also nice to have a vacation from my life. No mail, no bills. But vacations come to an end and today I go home to my completed kitchen which is pretty cool. Second, another cancer buddy of mine has passed away. I found out on Tuesday of last week. He put up a good fight, but in the last little while it was a one way ticket. When I cried, it wasn't for him. He is free. (Maybe it is only a cancer patient that can say that, but sometimes, just sometimes, that is pretty darn appealing.) I cried for his wife and kids. It is for their future without their Dad and why in the world did this happen to them. Mason must have overheard me on some level becuase the next morning he crawled into bed with me and asked if I was still sick. I explained that I had two things - a sinus infection and cancer. I went into enough detail, but tried to keep it simple. He then looked at my face and asked, "Are you going to die?" I have been waiting for this question and I calmly replied, "I don't want to, but maybe." He wrapped his arms around me and said, "I don't want you to die either." I smiled and said, "Well, sometimes we don't have a choice. I am here now and we need to take advantage of that." I try not to answer this with, "I am fighting hard, or I will beat it, etc." I do this because I never want them to not think I didn't fight hard enough, or try hard enough. I am beginning to know several people that have fought or tried hard and didn't win. Sometimes, it is not about how hard is just about being your time. I am trying to have faith in that and it is calming to "leave it up to the stars" (or palm apparently). As for the rest of the week, it was nice to sleep in the same room as Mason. It was comforting to hear him breathe, to hear him roll over, throw off his covers, and snore. I hope my answer to him was comforting to him. Say a little prayer for A. and her two girls. They have a lot to adjust to. Chemo tomorrow - scan next Monday, Ang

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Ang, I wish all of your friends could take the burden of your chemo treatments off of you. My heart goes out to you as well as my nightly prayers that have continued ever since I was aware of your diagnosis. Life is just not fair sometimes. You are so blessed to have those two adorable boys and a fabulous husband, mom and dad. I know that you have had to lean on them so much, but I also know they wouldn't have it any other way. I think about our time together here on our beautiful island last year and what a special time it was. I look forward to having you return with all of your family and crazy friends. Keep your spirits up for I know that you will be rewarded. I love you and pray that you will get through this next round of chemo quickly and get on with your life and enjoy your wonderful family and that new kitchen. Much love and hugs,
Judi

laurie@duncancleary.com said...

How wise you are, ma'am. I, too, have been expecting that question from your smart and loving little man. What a gentle, yet honest answer you prepared for him. Once again, you teach us to enjoy what we have today. Planning for tomorrow is good and necessary, but it shouldn't trump this moment. I just love you for spreading that wisdom around. We will pray for your friends.
xoxoxo