Saturday, March 12, 2011
What a difference a day makes....
So, with glee in my heart I call my colorectal surgeon on Friday morning to see when I could get an appointment. 11:00? Okay! I was in Gig Harbor dropping off my taxes, but heck I could make it. So, off Grant and I went. I dropped him at work and up the hill to what I thought was going to be easy as pie. When will I learn. I was so happy about the lungs, and we were monitoring my butt so closely I never thought I would be faced with the following. It went something like this...."Angie, the tumor is growing and it is to the size that I may not be able to take it out like we discussed (through my anus) and get the margins I need. There is also a chance that in getting the margins I could poke a hole in your vagina and with all the radiation damage it may have trouble healing and they we would possibly have vagina leakage of stool." Really? He actually said, "vaginal leakage". And all I could think is, "I missed the window, I screwed this up with all my chemo fainting, and panic attacks." The tears fill up in my eyes and he looks for the Kleenex. There is none. The box is empty - so is my heart, my energy is gone, and I am done. What a difference a day makes. He says, "Angie, there is no right answer, but you have a choice to make. A full colostomy or we take the chance and see what happens. In any case, it needs to happen soon." "Okay." I reply defeated and looking down at the floor. "You know, I am not afraid of a colostomy, I just thought.....y'know, what you said to me a few months ago...." "I know....It was that way.....It is just that it is growing too fast...." "Okay, so you will talk to Hank?" "Yep and then I will call you." "Okay." I get dressed, check my face and my hair, and start to leave the office. I take a deep breath and he says on the way out, "I may not get to you until 6 of so tonight." Exhale and under my breath I said, "No, we are going to wrap this up by 3 if I have anything to say about it." I leave out the side exit, cross the street, up to Hank's office, see Anthony the Security Guard and, as I am blowing by, I say, "Anthony, what is wrong with this picture?" and quick as can be he says, "Angela, you ain't supposed to be here. You were supposed to take Friday off." "That is right, Anthony, you don't miss a thing do you?" "No, Angela, not with you." "Good man Anthony." Up the stairs, blow past check in, and straight back. I wait and chat with the nurse until Hank comes out of a room and I say, "YOU." with the eye to eye signal. "I just saw him and he needs to talk to you. And, I want to get this wrapped up. It is not good news and I just want it over." I know, I have some nerve to talk to him that way. My Mother did teach me right, but, y'know, sometimes a girl has just had it. He says, "Well, what did he say?" I told him and he said, "Okay, I will call and then I will call you." "Okay." "Okay." I turn to leave and he says, "Wait, come here." Hug, exhale. Wiping the tears away before I turn to go, I leave the office. It is quiet and I know they are all heavy with my dilemma. I just had to get out of there - too much sympathy and I will LOOSE IT. I get to the garage and my car and I am okay. Crap, I need gas. So, I go my Costco and my surgeon calls, "Angie, I talked to Hank." 1:15 - nice. "And?" "Well, he asked me odds and the odds are that there is a 20% chance that something will go wrong if we take it transanally (I know - NICE WORD)." So, that leaves 80% chance that it goes well. "So, what now?" "Well, I think he wants you to take the risk, but you have to make this decision. So, whatever you and he decide, you let me know and I will set it all in motion for next week." "Thank you - you know - for everything." "Okay you, try and enjoy your weekend." I am starving and I there is an Arby's (my dirty little secret) so, I get a small sandwich, tons of Arby's Sauce, and a Jamocha shake. I decide NOT to go into the restaurant just in case someone calls and I get to say, "vaginal leakage" and "colostomy" out loud on a cell phone. Pretty image, isn't it? So, I am parked in a sawdust supply place and I am happily eating my very saucy (sp) sandwich and this old man is carrying his lunch box and going into the building. He looks at me, frowns, and calls back to his other old man buddy and says something to the effect of, "Young people these days eating in their cars. It is disgusting." Little did he know he was inches from meeting Jesus himself. I felt like saying, "My window is DOWN old man and I can hear you even if you can't hear me - V-A-G-I-N-A-L L-E-A-K-A-G-E!!!!!!" But I didn't because my Mom did raise me better than that and in an odd way it reminded my of my Grandpa that I loved. He hated eating in the car. "You should stop and eat in a restaurant with REAL food, not this McDonald's business." So, I just smiled at him with sauce on my lip and sucked on my shake. 2:20 - Hank calls - right on time. He runs through the conversation that he had with my surgeon and ultimately says, "Now, I have to tell you, I am bias in this. I know I shouldn't be, but I am because I don't want a colostomy for you. So, you know my choice, but you need to make it not me." I respond with, "Well, I think I need to focus on the 80% chance of everything being just fine. I need the weekend and I need to talk to Grant about this, but I believe I will probably take the chance." "Okay." "Okay." I AM SICK OF SAYING "OKAY". Well, off to the rest of my day, cancer discussion wrapped up by 3 - right on time, check. I will think about this tomorrow. Love, Ang or Scarlet - because I pretty much acted like her ALL day. :)
Posted by Angela Clarno at 4:49 PM