News.....good and bad

I have been healing nicely. I am home with the kids, going to PTA meetings, Kent School district budget meetings, working a little, and sleeping HARD at night. Yes, I am probably doing more than I should, but I am staying in my restrictions and to do less would just not be me. Last night, I got the call on my pathology of my tumor. All margins were great except one. My oncologist had already called the surgeon to see what he thought. The good news is that the surgeon is optimistic that this will not be a problem but that we should watch it "just on case". The leash/noose around my neck just got a little tighter. Will I ever be DONE with this? So, it is medium news. Am I happy? Not really. Clearly, I wanted different news. I am also a little wary of these things. My tumor was not supposed to come back after the first round of chemo and radiation. It did. We thought we got it all out of my lungs after bilateral lung surgery, but it came back. And now I am supposed hope that this doesn't turn into something. You have to excuse my doubt, but there are only so many times you can be optimistic and be shot down. I did clarify what would happen if it does come back. If it does, I will have a colostomy. It is possible that it would be temporary and that the area could be reconstructed. Pause....what a frickin' process....sigh....breathe. But all that is for another day. "Keep your eye on the prize, Ang" I tell myself as I crawl into bed with Nolan just to watch him sleep. "Keep your eye on the prize." To see Nolan's next birthday, hell to see his 16th birthday! As my first colorectal surgeon said, "Ang, you will not die from this in you bum. We can fix that. It will be, and our focus has to be on, your lungs." Refocus. Readjust. Feel the leash that I doubt (at least for today) I will never shake and keep going. Big breath. Tomorrow they take the filter the put in my vein for surgery out. Minor surgery, but still surgery. I asked if we should just keep it in and the response was a long list of reasons but the one I liked was, "in some cases it can dislodge and go straight to you heart and kill you...". Okay - see you Thursday then! Why didn't they start with that one???? I will be okay. Thank you for all the calls, emails, thoughts, and prayers. If I did not get back to you, it wasn't because I didn't want to. Thank you. Oh, they are up gotta go! Love, Ang