Monday, August 27, 2007

Something I learned this weekend...

I think I now understand the term "war on cancer". Just as war, cancer takes its toll. Even when you "win". Last week, I sailed through chemo, unhook, nausea, etc. So, the chemo was fine, but a complication of the chemo happened again. Okay, here where details that you may not want to you are forewarned. See, between the chemo and the anti nausea drugs, I can go from severe constipation to diarrhea in a manner of hours. Fun times! Well, in this fun dichotomy you can get what are called fissures. That is a split in the anus that bleeds and is blindingly painful when you poop. More fun times! So, for the last three rounds, I have fought these off, but this time was awful. This time I tried to live my life in spite of them. You know, fight through the pain, go to my social engagements in spite of the pain, fight against the cancer taking those things away from me. Well, guess who won. Yep, cancer one; Angie zero. I stared going down hill Friday afternoon. Saturday I fought it and went to bookclub. Saturday afternoon I was taxed, but still fought through. Sunday I paid, and paid some more. Grant was so tired of taking care of all of us, he is home right now while I write this. So, today I call the doctor again and see what I need to do knowing darn well he is going to say, negotiate it as well as you can, watch your diet, and rest. Rest. I am so sick of resting. I am so sick of the inside of my house I could scream. I am so mad that I will not be able to go to a birthday lunch and scrapbooking I want scream more. See I didn't respect the cancer treatment and it is winning. So, I have to readjust my mind, my expectations to take care of myself, enjoy the inside of my house, to appreciate my treatment, respect my body's more limited ability to heal because of the treatment, etc. etc. etc. I have to do this even if I choke on it because then I will win the psychological warfare of cancer. I will win, but truth be told I cried a lot this weekend. Some from pain, some from pity, and some from acknowledging my reality that I can't do everything I want and this may just take more than I am willing to give - for now. Another thing I learned that when you are having your pity cry, no matter how much you are not paying attention NEVER and I mean NEVER mix up your nose tissue with your eye tissue. Why? Because when you are on chemo your nose can bleed and when you get blood in your eyes it sends the pity party to a WHOLE NEW LEVEL. Yes, please laugh - I am. Today Mom is coming over to help. Tuesday through Thursday I have Sarah helping me. That will be good. Have a good Monday, I am going to try - Ang


Anonymous said...

Despite the frustration and anger and urge to know what to do. Rest. Breathe.

Your ability to emerse yourself in the awful stuff is amazing. It takes courage and strength to let go and wallow in the pain. Despite the wallowing, you are not the pain. You have many years ahead of you to be "on-the-move." Right now is your time to rest.

You have a wonderful imagination that will take you outside your four walls. Think about those sunrises and sunsets in find peace in those memories.

And, of course, breathe.

Anonymous said...

Angie, you went through childbirth twice so you know how to ride with pain. This is pain for which you must develop long term coping methods. In war armies develop "perimiters" where they use their troops in the most effective way. This means they shrink the field to maximize their strength. Shrink the field to an area you can control and manage.
(This battlefield advice would probably carry more weight if it was coming from General Shwartzkopf, I only made Corporal, but you dont know General Shwartzkopf, so I will have to do.)
Shrink the field of engagement even if it ends up being just your kitchen and bedroom. We love you and your family, pat&mag.