Tuesday, August 23, 2011

The transition has been okay for me

but it is interesting. I am, finally, for the first time, seeing it from other people's point of view. Example one, Grant does not want to leave me or me and the kids alone. WEIRD. This was not part of our relationship and now I realize that I have "commanded" that he go away to escape me. Apparently, if I do not "command" it, he feels guiltly. This was NOT that way before cancer. Second, the vacuum cleaner seems lighter every time I use it. Third, I am not winded every time I go up the stairs. Forth, apparently, I cannot travel by car, plane, etc. by myself, or at night with or without children. It is weird also. I don't mind being babied when I feel sick. In fact, I wanted my Mommy back when she was in Las Vegas and not able to take care of me, but when I am not in treatment, I am like, "What is the big deal?" Clearly, I have made the transition to remission faster than others. Yes, I know that I can't do anything to aggrivate my heart for six months. Yes, I know that I am still considered fragile because of my immune system and the beating I took for the last 13 months. But I feel great and yes, I still have issues, but if I manage it I am fine (most of the time). It did catch up with me - staying up late, watching movies with friends, parties (at home shopping parties), life, but I am doing well, but I do know that I have changed. My memory is not what it used to be. My passport expired and I didn't know it. It prevented me from going on a very important trip. I have a contractor do some work for me that, get this, was already done. Clearly, I am not all there. My boss still thinks I am amazing and I don't know how much longer I can trick her. I am working for Grant now, and I am now concerned that my work is subpar, but I am alive and I will get better. I will travel by car BY MYSELF someday. Heck, Mom and I were talking about how Nolan is going into kindergarten next year and how I didn't know if I was going to make it to his first birthday. I guess I just took my vacation VERY seriously - the color is back in my lips, the pink is coming back to my cheeks. I know that the end of my vacation is coming, but I am not focusing on that. In fact, I am ignoring it. This is my time, with my boys, with my guy, and becoming conscious again of how really good I have it. Happy Tuesday, Ang


Anonymous said...

Yeah you!!!!

Anonymous said...

I am glad that you are taking time to adjust. Or should I say readjust. You are simply out-of-practice in some areas and with patience and practice you will get your mojo back. It might be a new kinda mojo, but mojo nonetheless. I'm also glad that you are not blogging as much. I say a big amen to that, sister. It is fabulous that you are noticing the subtle changes within and around you. Tells me you are truly present. You might be worn out in some ways but in others you are new and improved. You now have a wisdom and perspective on life that many people never have or search for and never achieve. You may be counting your blessings but YOU are the blessing. Don't forget that. And remember you can just "be" and don't you dare think about "paying anyone back." You being with us is the payback... the biggest payback indeed. And so it is.

Anonymous said...

What you describe is called "normal" for the rest of us. Your memory on the important people is what counts, and yours is excellent. God bless you Angela Clarno and all your family they are the best support group on earth. love to you all! pat&mag