Chemo "Light" - I did it!

Okay, so yesterday did my new regiment of chemo. I call it chemo "light". No pump, just a vitamin and one of my previous two chemos. Theoretically, I was supposed to be able to drive myself, but I didn't. I should have been able to take care of my kids, but my Mom took them and just told me she was (she didn't even ask - I think there is a love affair happening here...). It should have taken twenty mins, but...........here we go........after the first push, I started feeling weird. I told the nurse about it and they stopped. I told her that I thought it was in my mind, they took all my vitals and cautiously and politely agreed. My body was fine - heart rate slightly elevated, but BP and oxygen were perfect. They asked me if I had taken my anti anxiety pill and I said no, but I ask my oncologist if I could if I needed to. So, I did and we waited for a bit. They told me that I could stop, just walk away if it was too bad, but just kept looking at the oxygen and BP machines telling myself that my body is fine and I can do this knowing that, if I left, I would never come back. Apparently, my episode two weeks ago affected me more than I thought. I discussed it with the nurse and Elaine. Elaine was sweet, she said, "Now, I don't want to influence you....." and I look at her like, "Hello, I am asking you to..." and she said, "I think you need to get back on the horse again or it will be harder next time." I knew that is what I needed to do......a long time ago, I went dirt biking with my Dad for Father's Day. Yes, dirt biking with an ENGINE - not mountain biking. My Dad doesn't go that way. This was way before cell phones and I feel backward off a slate covered trail. I would say it was cliff like, but not a cliff. I cracked my helmet, knocked myself out, and smashed my elbow badly. My Dad freaked out, but I came to, and he asked me, "Can you do the rest?" I didn't want to, but it was only him and I, what were we going to do? So, I said yes and I got back on the bike and finished the trail off the mountain. When we were done, my demin shirt was soaked with blood from you elbow. My Dad said he was proud of me and that he had a friend (ex-Motocrosser) that refused to finish that very trail. I was 17 and fearless - I could do anything. I am not fearless anymore, but I thought about that and thought, if I can do that, I can do a little push of chemo. I asked to keep the machines on me and I said we need to go. So, very slowly she pushed it in. I was surprised that it went so fast, and then I started to relax.....and the shaking started. I think it was all the adrenaline that it took to get to the Cancer Center and face my fear of reenacting two weeks ago. I shook hard to the point that they gave me atavan (the happy drug). They turned on the oxygen, and let me watch the machines, and I shook. They piled blankets on me. They asked me if this happens to me and I said yes, but at night, and Grant just holds me until it stops. So, Elaine, got close and hugged me hard, until the atavan kicked in, It stopped in about 45 mins and I took a nap. I was feeling much better, but with a headache. I got home great, but 5 mins at home I puked (the one things they told me that I would not do) hard. After, I was exhausted and oddly hungry. So, I ate and napped and went to bed REALLY early. Today I am feeling SOOOOOOO much better - I think I may just be able to do this, but I am taking anti anxiety pill before I leave for the cancer center next time!!! Enjoy the sun, Ang