Friday, February 18, 2011

Success or Failure?

First, thank you for all your posts, email, inspiring messages, etc. I really appreciate them. More than you know. As for Tuesday, well, it was a success because I did chemo and did it pretty well, however, about 20 minutes after it was done, I took the machines off and was going to to get ready to go. Then, it happened. The shaking was back. Not as intense this time, but still, there was no way of getting out of it. It lasted for about 10 mins, and then they gave me an anti shaking med (I know - that have that?) which promptly made me puke. Not a little - everything from breakfast to that moment. It was kinda funny, I said, "I am going to puke." and they started saying "Let's get you some......" and I was like, "Let's get me a bucket - NOW." and with an "Oh, OKAY!", I tossed all my cookies. My oncologist came up and talked to me. He asked me point blank, "Can you tell me if it is the meds or is this you?" I answered him straight up, "It is me." Pause of effect. Part of me died inside. My mental weakness was RIGHT THERE. Can't run from it, can't laugh it off, can't do anything but deal with it. "Okay, well, I think it is time to call a professional. Are you okay with that?" "Am I going to get out of it?" "No, probably not, cause we have to have you be able to come in here and get treatment." "Well, then, I guess I am okay with it." Okay, now I should say, I have nothing against psychiatrists. What I do not like is having ANOTHER APPOINTMENT that is focused on cancer. Not lunch with my friends, not skiing with my kids, CANCER. Yes, I am mental fried. I thought I would be DONE and in surgery in January, then I got blood clots, then I was hospitalized for an allergic reaction to a drug I have been taking for 3 and a half years, then I got pneumonia and then I got pleurisy. How would anyone feel? Defeated, tired, and generally disappointed. And, now I get to go tell SOMEBODY ELSE how I feel. Terrific. I would rather scrapbook, ski with my boys, vacuum, clean toilets, dust blinds, yep, pretty much ANYTHING other than tell somebody else how I feel. What caught me off guard more than anything was that my oncologist talked to the psychiatrist about me, not just a referral, but a conversation. That means he is concerned. So, my appointment is today. I actually feel a bit sorry for her. She has no idea what is coming, and quite frankly either do I. What I do know is that I am not afraid of chemo anymore, and I can go and shake. I will survive this portion physically and now I need to forgive my mind for letting me down and take care of it and honor it, so that I can kick this again. Perservence - that is the name of the game. As for you all, take care, enjoy the day, and know that I am getting the help I need to go on. Is this my happiest day? No. But there is always tomorrow, next week, next month. I will be okay. Love, Ang

9 comments:

Myrna said...

Oh Angie... If I were a psychiatrist, you being my patient would make my day! Really. Praying for amazing progress.

Karen said...

Let me just say that therapists can be a great thing. Getting started is the hardest part. I hope you get a good one and that she helps you. You're worth it, babe. It can make everything else better eventually.

Haley Ballast said...

ohhh girl. you are on my heart and my prayers. keep on walking, He will always walk beside you!!

Kari George said...

Thinking about you love! Hang in there...even the best of us visit a psychiatrist from time to time!

Hugs!

Kari

Vicki Olafson said...

My dearest friend - you are the strongest woman I know and this pyschiatrist will embrace you, challenge you, admire your strength and hopefully bring you some peace. love ya

auntie jane said...

As usual, when the daunting challenges you are facing are too much for me to absorb or grasp...My overwhelmed mind desparately reverts to quotations that have lodged in the subconscious, hoping the sages of the aeons will have worked this one out and boiled it down to a little phrase or paragraph that will make it all better and make sense (good luck with that).
When I read this blog, up popped "Opportunity Disguised as Challenge". Of course I Googled it as the desparate do.
My conclusion from what I read is, either you need to make fuel from dairy manure as was the topic of one site, or that those of us who care for you so much should be glad that you may find a strong new alli. I love that word..ALLI

auntie jane said...

spellcheck...ALLY....still love the word

Anonymous said...

I hope you told the psych to read your blog! Thinking about you - more like "hearting" you. Giving your brain a rest is a very good thing. The one thing that I know about you is that you always know what to do. It is the getting to that knowing that can be tough - you know like peeling back the layers of an onion. I'll bet the very inside of the onion does a "shaking" or two or three once exposed. Being vulnerable and exposed makes the best of us shake. I understand why you stop shaking when Grant wraps his arms around you. Please let the psych do the same thing - well metaphorically speaking that is!!!

karen said...

Hi Ang.
I hope the psychiatrist really helps. I know that I needed them for post partum depression and they really helped. I pray that yours helps just as much.
Love, Karen Mulcahy