Thursday, May 21, 2009

Almost there..

I finally got my surgery time. It is 12:30 tomorrow with a check in at 10:30. I am anxious again. I just want it all to be okay and over with. I didn't have a great afternoon yesterday. I had a great morning, but then I realized I screwed up on the checkbook, I was behind on a payment to preschool, I haven't seen the class pictures and it scares me to death that they may have sent them back already without me ordering any. And then there is the spiral....I am so useless....I can't pay bills, can't remember pictures, can't do the checkbook, I can't even drive my kids to school, and it all falls apart. Grant comes home to a crying heap on the floor that can't get it together and despite his attempts at telling me I have a lot on my plate and it is normal to make mistakes, it doesn't help. The anxiety, the "failure", all of it, just comes out. Logically, I know these thing are little, normal, and insignificant, but they still bother me. The solution? Grant has to go to preschool, figures out daycare, sees if the pictures at there, etc. Grant to the rescue again because I couldn't do it right in the first place. See the horror is that I can even go to these places to fix the problem. Everything I do is from home. I haven't driven the entire month of May, I have been hooked up to an "atrium" for a week that is holding my lung fluid (that look a lot like pee), I can't carry or lift anything, the list goes on and on. And you know what bugs me the most? It is one of my best friends 40th birthday's today and I want to talk to him so bad, but I don't want to talk to him because I am afraid that I won't be able to get past my own crap to be happy for him. What kind of friend is that??? Which turns me to how do I have any friends at all if I am so selfish? See the spiral?? Actually, that stinks way more than that they chest tube, the check book, preschool pictures, everything. I know it will pass, it has to. I have to get past it before tomorrow. I know I will, but what some say is a "process" and I just have to "allow it to happen" is really hard for the control freak that I am. And so, again, I throw my hands in the air and say, "Fine. You win." and I curl up on the couch with Africa, close my eyes and hope it passes soon (like before 12:30 tomorrow!) Karissa offered to bring the kids by today for lunch.....maybe that will shake me out of this. God, I hope so. Love, Ang

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ang...don't be so hard on yourself. You really do have a lot on your plate just now. You are not useless and are not a failure, you are successfully doing a very important job.....kicking cancer's butt(no pun intended)! I'm just glad that you feel well enough to have these anxious moments. I know everything will go as planned tomorrow and you will be back home very soon. You are in my thoughts and prayers always.
Much love

Anonymous said...

Ang, you do so much more than most of us. I would rather have you focused on yourself right now, because we all want you to get better. You have a very good excuse. I really want that cancer out of you, so when you do get past all of this and the cancer is gone, well then you can focus on things like school pictures and paying bills on time. I want you to know that I stand by you in this. Please be strong today, and I will be sending my good thoughts for you today. I love you my dear. I hope I get to see you soon, but until then, rest easy and heal! Love, Sherry

Myrna said...

Dearest Angie, You are in a war and the warrior is getting tired. Saying these words out loud is a sort of battle strategy. Well done! Praying your next surgery will go smoothly and recovery fast and complete. Loves...

Anonymous said...

Ang,

You have been fighting for a long long time. You were fighting even before you knew you were sick. So being tired, frustrated,anxious, confused, and over whelmed is part of this prcoess. It is good for you to let out all the nasty feelings you have. Now that is out of your system,put on those boxing gloves and get ready for the next round. Your are surrounded not only by family and friends but angels watching over you. Lots of positive energy is going your way. Hugs. Love, Pam

Anonymous said...

Sometimes it may not feel like it but you are going beyond the duty every single day. I'm glad you're releasing all that frustration so that you can find your amazing strength, positive attitude and energy that you will need to take on the next few weeks. You will soon be participating in and appreciating (like no one else can) all the simple, small and wonderful things we call life. Take care and tomorrow you and the doctors will take out all those little nasty cells that have wreaked such havoc on your life. My positive thoughts are with you and your family!
MC

Daria said...

Ang ... I can so relate. I get so overwhelmed over the simplest things. I used to be such a go getter who could multitask like crazy ... but not any more.

I have no children so I couldn't even imagine what you have to do.

My thoughts are with you.

Haley Ballast said...

i have days just like that and i don't have cancer. you won't either after tomorrow, and we'll both still have days like that, and that's OK. i love you!

auntie jane hainsworth said...

Angie...Your body wants "ALL" of your focus and energy right now, to take care of itself. Being a little forgetful of all of those "shoulds", a little depressed and spiraling down is your body pushing itself in the direction it needs to go...down on the sofa with Africa, for her comfort, to rest and to heal.

This is so much for a person to go through. You are an incredible tower of strength. My heart will be there with you tomorrow. Love Jane

Mariela said...

Angie. I hope everything goes fine tomorrow. We´ll be praying for you. Animo mi campeona. Los queremos mucho a todos mi hermanita gringa. Saludos!!!!!!!
Mariela

Charlene Waymire said...

Sending you lots of good thoughts, prayers, and love today! Quit being so hard on yourself. This has been a long battle, and I think it is only natural for you to feel defeated. But this is hopefully it and you can't stop fighting now. I think the outlook for today is pretty bright, especially given that you are able to go back in for the other side so quickly. Know that all of us are standing strong behind you and take from that strength as needed. Love you lots.