Monday, September 22, 2008

Can a person be an "out of control

control freak"? I think I am one. Okay, if you answered, "Of course you can be and YOU are!", you don't need to read the rest. Apparently, you understand concepts that are way above my head. So, here is what happened. On Saturday night, Grant and I got the kids down for bed and went down to start a movie. The movie was "Smart People". If you haven't seen it, it is about a widower. I didn't get that from the previews when I put it in our Netflix queue. Not such a good choice, but I powered on and said, "No problem." At the end of the movie, which ended well if you think that your husband moving on and having illegitimate twins with a girl half your age is A GOOD THING kinda way. And then it hit me - what if I do die of this? What if Grant moved from our house? He can't hang the family photos correctly - he doesn't know how to group them properly. He will definitely get rid of my Lee Bogle - he has never liked it. What if he replaces it with Toronto Maple Leafs Poster? OMG - I have no control of that.......here I was updating the kitchen, thinking about building a loft, fixing the house to a perfect condition so that if I did die he wouldn't have anything to worry about except taking care of the kids AND HE MAY TAKE DOWN LEE BOGLE?!?!?!?!?! Okay, so here is the ridiculous part (like the first part wasn't ridiculous), I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT HOW HE MAY NOT WANT TO LIVE HERE IF I AM GONE. I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT HIM MOVING AND ACTUALLY STARTING LIFE AGAIN WITHOUT ME. I always thought he would marry again, but I always thought it would be here, Seattle, home. WAS I ON CRACK? How controlling is that? And, if you are a control freak as exhibited above, how can it be that I am out of control in controlling my departure from this world. I started to cry and hyperventilate. That, by the way, is a REALLY attractive combination. Poor Grant was like, "Wow - what just happened and how did I miss it?" I got over it without breathing in a bag, but it threw me for the whole weekend. Should I take down my pictures? If I do die of this someday, do I liquidate my things before I die to save him that pain of that? Do I tell him to live his life? And, how frickin' twisted is that??? Do I not think of him as a man that could actually take care of himself??? And then, I sit down and sigh. I have no control. That freaks me out because I don't want them to be sad. I don't want them to not live their lives. I want them to love and to live EVERY DAY. I want them to follow their heart, stand up for what is right, and see the beauty of life. And, then I let go, because I don't know when I am going to die. In fact, my oncologist is quite positive that I will be in remission again after this round of treatments. So, I put my wedding photo back on the wall and think he will be able to do this if necessary. Heck, maybe in some strange twist of fate, I will outlive him. Big breath, exhale, stand up, and shake it off. The part that I just described is the worse part of this whole thing. I am going back to reading People Magazine and watching frickin' hilarious movies!!!!! Love, Ang

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

With something as powerful as Death all control is gone. When Death loses it's abstract quality the totality of it's influence trancends everything and reduces all other things to the status of footnotes in the Encyclopedia of existence. As I was being prepped for my second brain operation I thought I might not make it and I asked the attractive young prep nurse if she was married or engaged. No she said she wasn't even going with anyone at that point. I told her my oldest son was 29 and not involved and I asked her to take his phone number down and call him if I died, I said he was a nice young man and she would like him. You see I was worried that he had not found someone and settled down, (that was 8 years ago and he still hasn't) so I was trying to get things in order before I died.
(actually I did die twice and had to be hit with the electic paddles)
I had the near death experience of traveling down the tunnel with the light at the end and a feeling of great peace without any fear, but a voice told me I coudn't go because I had work to do. (Frankly I think subconsciously I knew the thing with the scrub nurse wouldn't work out, so I had to go back).The message for you is simple you don't come back to re-hang the pictures, your Children and Grant will do Great, they have lived with you for quite a while and will continue to live with you quite a while longer. I must have told you the story of the workmen who created the great bronze doors of the Vatican. After they had been cast and poured the workmen were polishing them with fine grade of polish grit when a stranger walked by and asked them: "When will the doors be finished?" the Craftsman answered "They are never finished, when they are needed they just come and take them away".
Not to be too maudlin I feel we are all like those doors, never finished but taken away at some stage of imperfection.
love to all, pat&mag

Allison said...

When John as diagnosed, a "friend" sent us the movie "My Life" which is about a guy who dies of cancer and leaves his wife and baby. You have enough to deal with - stick to the cheesy comedies!