Sunday, August 24, 2008

Friday night

It went something like this....I was fine...really fine.....then, I was shredding cheese for pizza that night and I shredded my thumb knuckle REALLY DEEP. As I was providing direct pressure to stop the ridiculous amount of bleeding, I was looking for my knuckle in the cheese. Yes, I was trying to fine it. One, I didn't want to throw away all that cheese, and two, I thought I should be pretty easy to find. Apparently, my lily white skin is the EXACT color of mozzarella. I am like, "Are you kidding me? Shouldn't I be able to find this? Why doesn't this happen when I shred cheddar?" So, after a long period of time looking for the skin, the bleeding still had not stopped. I went upstairs saying over and over again, "Can't it just stop already?" I was getting a band aid, alcohol, and looking for the neosporin. I am neurotic about cuts. I have been so used to everything taking so long to heal because of chemo. I thought this will take forever!!!! I couldn't find the neosporin, my finger was still bleeding, and I finally knelt down and cried, "I just want it all to stop." And, then, in my bathroom, kneeling on the floor, holding my thumb, I cried until I couldn't see. When I was done, like perfect time, my thumb had stopped bleeding and I found the neosporin. I got my thumb all set, went downstairs, threw out all the cheese, and started all over again. Shortly there after, the garage door opened with husband and my kids smiling. Grant knew. We had talked earlier. When he saw me, he said, "We will be just fine. You will do it again. Nice band aid." (The blood had come through. So much for direct pressure.) With a hug and a kiss, we got dinner on the table, ate, played, did baths, and got the kids to bed. Grant and I didn't talk much about it, just a little about scheduling, which day to start, who could drive me, Karissa's schedule is better on Thursdays, when Elaine is out of town, etc. We ended up watching the Olympics as we become addicted to them every two/four years. Grant fell asleep on the couch and I headed upstairs. Yes, after 14 years of marriage, you leave them on the couch. Just as I laid my head down, Mason opened his door and told me he had a bad dream. I tucked him back in and went back to bed. Then, he was back at the door, afraid of the dark. I tucked him back in, sang him a song, waited for him to fall asleep, and went back to bed. Then, it was something else, and then, something else. I finally said, out of exhaustion, "Come sleep with me, but when Daddy comes to bed, you are going in your room." "Okay, Mommy" he replied in his sleepy little voice. When he laid on Grant's pillow he fell right asleep. Of course, now I was up starring at his little face remembering the first time I found out I had cancer and how I watched him sleep for hours thinking that was it. I just watched him for a while, my insides turning, my mind moving, and my gut wrenching. I know what changed in those moments. I can't explain it, but, it ended with me brushing his hair off he forehead and whispering, "Not then and not now baby boy.....not now." and I finally went to sleep. Thank you for all the emails, prayers, phone calls, flowers, and thoughts. I haven't been on the computer since Friday. Love, Ang


Anonymous said...

Your love of life, faith, inner strength and courage will help you through this challenge. Keep working through the emotions and believing in your health and your dreams. You are an amazing and strong woman!

Take care!

Anonymous said...

You have caught me off guard with all this news. Bob and the return of cancer... Gosh, if I wasn't prepared for this news, what about you (okay, you were probably prepared). Well, I'm ready now and have my toilet brush in hand ...

Love & Laughter, Annemarie

leslie kendall said...

Hi Angie -
I agree with Grant, you will be fine and you WILL do it again - it just sucks that you have to go through it. Please know that I am here for you and your family.
Sending you lots of love -
Leslie Kendall