Monday, March 7, 2016

I can see the end of the tunnel....but then....

Life continues to go.  My kitchen continues to improve. The boys continue to be boys and I continue to wonder if I am a good parent.  Let's start with President's Day week.  This is the week that Mason broke a promise to me.  I do not want to go into the details of it, but I want you to know that I made five....FIVE.... promises to my Dad.  They were serious and clear and I have NEVER broke them.  So a promise in our family (Clarno) is serious.  He would say to me, "Angie, I am asked you to promise me.  That is forever."  I guess I got it, because I never questioned it.  Apparently, Mason did not know that.  He now struggles with it everyday and so do I.  I used to trust him without a doubt, but now, well that trust is broken and it has to be rebuilt.  Not so easy in my family.  I thought I was different, I thought I was better, but I am not.  Kids defi rules.  All kids, even mine which I find so heartbreaking.  He made me a promise and then broke it less than 12 hours from making it.  Yeah, clearly, I am a wreak.  At the same time, Nolan got called up for a job at the University of Washington study.  It was a study he has been involved in since he was 2.  I remember going with Mason and him.  It was Nolan's first "job".  We got there early and I thought we should check out the construction site and then Nolan (age 2) started stomping about and saying, "I can't be late for my JOB!  You are going to make me late for my JOB!"  Mason and I looked at each other and strolled across the street to his "job".  He was mighty early, but Mason and I were NOT going to get in the way of that.  A lot of these studies have money attached to them. 75% of Mason's had money, but it was not great as he was born in a recession.  Nolan had amazing returns.  $90 for the interview and $40 more for follow up.  It was ridiculous.  This was a follow up interview and paid $50 just for the interview.  We scheduled it and, I have to say, these individuals have become part of our family.  They ask me how I am and I believe that my "situation" has brought more to their study.  So, this study was the first to have the cameras turned off and had Nolan give confidential answered about his feelings towards me.  Son to Mom.  So, lets back up.  I could be in the room with them with all the tests or I could be in the next room with a camera.  I chose the next room with a camera.  Better for the study. They told me about the "alone" questions and I was fine.....well that is until then did them.......remember, I trust them, but this was big.  Relationship questions between him and me?  That could depend on the drive up!  I had to have faith.  I know my relationship with Nolan and, quite honestly, I think I get him the best.  I got through the silence and when he appeared......, "So, Nolan, did you throw me under the bus?!?!?!"  Both answered, "NO!" and I was fine.  Demons always come to diminish you.  They could not take my Nolan away, but then, they could......the good news, he is a mandated reporter, so if Nolan said, "What?!?!?!!  She is a crazy lady!?!?!?"  I would know.....thank God for little favors,  So, as I go through boxes while my kids ask me questions like, "Can I play Clash of Clans?  When can I park my bike in the garage?  The bike rack at school is already bolted to the ground.  Why cannot I not use it???"  And here I wanted them to talk........

So, life continues.  I had to canceled my scrapbooking weekend because I need  to take my family to Dale at Grand Coulee.  It is his 90th Birthday.  Mason's Hockey Team is out of the playoffs so the whole crew can go.  Mom, Dad, and my clan.  It will be good for all of us.  My Dad is really looking forward to seeing Dale.  Let's face it, without Dale, my Dad would be a two bit auto mechanic in Sprague Wa with an attitude.  Nothing wrong with that, but honestly, he would have been a punk.  Thank GOD for Dale.  The one man that he loved and that loved him back.  We are SO LUCKY to have had him.  Then, when I went to Gonzaga, Dale had dinner with me every month.  Never have I been so cared for by extended family.  He showed me pictures in the halls of Gonzaga with him in them and he gave me roots.  Roots are important.  I never thought that until Spokane where people acknowledged my last name, "Clarno, I knew a Herman Clarno, are you related?"  I learned quickly to say, "I am sure we are - we all are. Clarno is a rare name."  The sadness was that was the first granddaughter of Herman Clarno.  I met him once upon his diagnosis of cancer - he stayed at our house for his diagnosis..  He acknowledged my Dad and me, but he had his own life with his second wife and kids.  I don't know what to say about that, but it was hard living in Spokane with my name - have a job where people wanted to place me,  At the same time, Dale Bly placed me clearly as his and honestly, that is were I wanted to be.  Loved unconditionally no matter what my roots were.  That said I kept my name when I married.  While it was easy because most of Grant's friends did this, it was rare in my American group.  I now get messages on my machine about being a Clarno.  Herman, long gone.  Yes, yes, I am a Clarno.  No hard feelings, just sadness on the love that could have been.  Yet, the only Grandfather I knew, "Randolph", loved me fiercely and I would have never had him without Herman leaving my Grandmother.  So, what is better?!!?!  I honestly do not know.  Grandpa Randolph was one of the best men I have ever known.  Clarno.  Bly.  Randolph.  Exhale.  Loved, accepted, and cared for.  I honestly don't get it, but I do.  Hopely, my boys never have to deal with this, but y'know it is not so bad.  The Bly's accept us.  They love us.  They invite us to EVERYTHING and we are so appreciative.  My boys need to know that we are one generation from real hardship.  That opportunity, love, and acceptance can CHANGE EVERYTHING.  As it did.  Amazing how one man's interest and love, changed an entire family.  My boys.....well, one has his education paid for already through GET credits.  We are financially conservative, pay our bills, started a company, travel, educated our kids, love, volunteer, and invest in our community.  Seriously, I think we did better than a punk from Sprague.  No offense, but I will take on anyone from Sprague.  I am sure their are good people from Sprague (actually Ewan, but have you been to Ewan is dead), but we would not have been one of them.

So, life goes on.....I am a failing mother because I did not wash all the laundry in time for the game.  I am horrible because I make them do their homework and do not let them ask for extensions....."SERIOUSLY, EXTENT IONS....YOU ARE 9.  WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO DO?!?!?!"  I am able to deglaze a pan now.....YAY!  I can't figure out my new kitchen..... no way....but I DO NOT HAVE CANCER AND I AM NOT IN CHEMO SO REALLY WHAT IS SO BAD?!?!?!??!?!

Love, Ang  Happy Sunday!

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