Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Confessions of a Cancer Survivor

Kitchen remodel, Neely O'Brien PTA, Council PTA, Kent Elementary PTA, Kids, House, bills, parents, basketball, hockey......repeat.  Where is there time for cancer?  Remember when Hank told me I am a successful story of a person managing a terminal illness?  Sometimes, I have no time for it.  Kitchen floods, birthday parties, trips, skiing, trips, family, and every once in a while I hide in my house with the cats on the bed watching the Hallmark Channel - Mason and I are LOVING the Christmas movies.

So, I was scheduled for a procedure for my esophagus on the 14th with one doctor - procedure two of three or four.  I had a scan on the 15th, so I emailed Hank and said, "Hank, so I have the varices thing on the 14th....can you get what you need from that?  So can we do something after the holidays?"  Hank's normal response to email is one to three words.  "Yes."  "Good."  "Okay."  "See you Tuesday."  To this, I got a paragraph all in CAPS about how he needs to monitor my tumors, he is on vacation the week of the 7th and I have to have the scan on the 15th, but then see him the next week, blah blah blah.   Okay, first my tumors are not the size of my head - which would allow for CAPS to be used and I was thinking, "Do I manage and illness or Hank?!?!"  I responded with, "Okay, okay already - stop yelling at me."  I emailed him the schedule of my scan, but the ladies up front would not move my appointment to the week of Christmas...."You have kids - enjoy your time.  His caps lock is on.  Do not worry."  LOL.  And I emailed him  the ladies response too.  I got back, "Okay."  Back to normal.  Managing Hank, check.  Esophagus doctor moved to January.  TUMORS STILL NOT AS BIG AS MY HEAD.  La la la, I go on with MY life.....kitchen remodel, Neely O'Brien PTA, Council PTA, Kent Elementary PTA, Kids, House, bills, parents, basketball, hockey......repeat.  I think I am fine.  The week of my scan comes.  I think I am fine.  I yelled at Nolan - oh, he deserved it but not with the extra bite it had.  I sleep like crap, I watch Hallmark Christmas movie which just remind me of all the Christmases in Chemo, or radiation.  I could hardly move and I certainly wasn't teaching a boy the day before the difference between a travel and a double dribble.  I do not cry, but I am not right.  I want to ask for help, but seriously, this is just a check up.  Help for what?!?!  My head?  I am supposed to give my worry to God, but does God know which shoes are for basketball, dress up, school, and the river?  I haven't been able to make it to Bible Study.  I actually need Bible Study.  Sometimes I think God make me busy to show me how much I need him.  My kids are so immune yet sensitive.  When I drop them at school and say, "Have a good day!", they reply with, "Have a good scan!"  Seriously, who does that?!?!  What I have accepted is that the anxiety will NEVER go away.  I will always be a wreck which means I am not strong like I thought I was.  I have a weakness and that weakness is not getting more.  I, like many Americans, want  it all.  I want to see my kids grow up, see them graduate, see them marry, see my, if I am so lucky, grandchildren that I was spoil and love and follow around like hungry cat.  They can do no wrong and they do not even exist yet.  I want to smell behind their ears and rock them till they fall asleep.  I want it all and every scan threatens that.

Today was my scan and then I talked with the contractor and then I was helping Kent Elementary with their Winter Party.  I screwed stuff up, but of course corrected it because people are kind and forgiving.  Lucky for me....  I stayed the entire time of the party, cleaned up, and then asked to leave to say goodnight to my kids.  Of course, it was granted.  More to do tomorrow, but that is tomorrow.  I come home to a pile of dishes (not because Grant will not do them - I told him not to - he has had a rough schedule), wash them, curse my kitchen flooding, got the boys to bed, and then sat down to watch something before bed.   I noticed the phone blinking.  HANK.  I check the messages.  "So, dear, your scan is stable - we are doing well.  See ya tomorrow."  And then the tears come as they are right now.....I will see him tomorrow, but he knows my anxiety and calls when he can.  Three more month of MORE.

Merry Christmas.....

Happy Tuesday, Ang


Vicki Olafson said...

Tears are flowing on my end but this comes from love, support and for all you are enduring. Love you

Terri Hewitt said...

I must say my tears are creeping out too! You are so STRONG! To share your journey, struggles, praises, thoughts and so much more is so courageous. I wish for you and your boys a very Merry Christmas! Keep shining bright. ❤

Unknown said...

Oh but you are strong. So strong. Tears do not diminish that. They wash away the fears. You are a marvel.

Anonymous said...

You can have anxiety and tears and still be strong. You are one of the strongest people I know. Also one of the craziest, but that's a whole other conversation. :)