Friday, July 22, 2011

Dazed and confused and thankful

Okay, well, it has been a long time since my last post. There are reasons, but not good ones. Part of me was busy. Part of me was done already. Part of me was struggling with how hard the last round was and it was/is a mental game to think about going back on Tuesday......BUT........then I remember how I will be done. DONE. Every week will be a "good" week. I will cook again, I will be able to track and read books again, I will not schedule illness, pack up my boys every other week, I will be able to teach my organizational course that I was asked to do last fall this fall. That is where the dazed part comes is really oncologist granted my request of August off - meaning NO APPTS THROUGH LABOR DAY. No appointments. I have never, in all the four plus years of this madness, been granted no appointments for a month. One more. Tuesday. Unhook Thursday. One more. So, here is the update. Chemo last time SUCKED. My numbers went up and my oncologist hit me as hard. He plays hard ball EVERY TIME, NO EXCEPTIONS. I knew when I saw my numbers. But let's not dwell on that. Let's talk about this week. It was really good. In fact, I just got home from a 40th birthday party. I laughed so hard I cried. The stories were awesome, the people genuine, the food amazing and I could even drink the wine. I think that is was jolted me into writing tonight. Here comes the confused part....we were a normal family today. We had no doctors appointment today. I mended, ironed, and chatted with the neighbors. I went to the store for spray paint, of course, and they were out of my color, but I had the energy to go to another store. I picked up the kids from daycare, fed them (meal delivered, so I can't take credit for that), bathed them, got ready, got the babysitter settled (Grant is on a golf overnight and, get this, I had to make him go. He was like, "I don't want to abandon you on such short notice." I looked at him and said, "Abandon? Is that what you call the last four years???"), went to the party, came home, paid the baby sitter, got ready for bed and, then, turned on the computer. And now thankful......I am thankful for everything - meals, my house, housecleaning, my family, the party tonight, my friends, my insurance, my docs, spray paint, even billing departments and chemo. For example, tomorrow I am picking up 16 meals with the money that was donated to me for filling my freezer with meals. Holy cow! What a blessing! I am convinced that I didn't get back to normal alone, how could I?!!? But I am so thankful to be back (almost) to normal and I have a frickin' awesome life. How did I get so lucky? I don't know - but I am sure glad I drew that card instead of just the rectal cancer card!!!!! Okay, so now, off to bed....I am a single parent tomorrow, but if I have time I will blog and the title will be, "Nolan and his Chef Basket". Never thought I would put those words together! Nighty night. Love, Ang


auntie jane said...

Life sure is a mixed bag... But I love your perspective of "choose to move into the "living" part of it all". It sounds like yesterday was a nice day and August will be all yours too. As for the spray'll be restocked soon, then Ppsssssst, presto chango, gratification! Chef basket?

LOve ya, Jane

Gina said...


You are awesome. Have a great, fun, relaxing Aug.


Grace said...


I am continually amazed by your strength and positive outlook through all of this.

Enjoy August, enjoy the sun (not that it matters much for you because you have NO APPOINTMENTS! you can go to sun!!!), enjoy family and cooking your own meals.

We'll connect in September for lunch and pedis and a good long talk....and plan for October and November and beyond.

Besos, chica!

Anonymous said...

Hey, It's Friday now. That means you unhooked for the last time yesterday. Woohoo! Hope you have a GREAT August.

Folfox group said...


Your strength and positive outlook are what all of us need. Our group is closely watching your progress, all the best to you!