Saturday, May 7, 2011
It used to be when I didn't post things were fine.
Well, not really this time. I have gotten a lot of news and not so much of it was what I wanted to hear. First, I finally talked to my surgeon and he told me that he was able to take 99% of the tumor, but he had to leave he rest because he would have punctured the vagina wall. Now, he is optimistic that, with continued chemotherapy, the 1% may be taken care of, so we need to just see how it goes. If it does not, there will be no choice but a full and permanent colostomy with no possibility for reconstruction. So, while I am spinning on the continued chemotherapy and on the permanent colostomy, I am thinking how much longer do you expect me to do chemo? I asked my oncologist, "Will I ever be in remission again?" and I know he wanted to say yes, but I actually saw him catch himself and said, "It is my most sincerest wish." After all the times we thought I would be done, I am not. SPIN. During this last week when I was feeling particularly awful, I couldn't see my benefit to society. I know....just stay with me.... I know I contribute a fair amount to Swedish hospital, but I am a "crap or get off the pot" sort of gal and translated to this situation (I know - translated??? Hilarious, eh?) it is "die or get better already!" If I die, the life insurance pays off, the house and all our debt would be gone. Grant would have money for college for the boys and my job, in a way, would be done. More importantly, Grant, the boys, my family, and my friends would be free of this. The down side - I don't get to see my boys grow up which really sometimes is the only thing that gets me up. No more sunrises, no more moments, no more smelling behind their ears. And then slowly, I start to feel better. Slowly, I remember everything to be thankful for. Slowly, I remember that I want to be here. Slowly, I remember, that am I am on the right track. Slowly, I remember, that I could be in remission again - just a little longer. So, here is to lookin' for that rope that says, "CALL Psychiatrist!" The call will go in early next week. I will be okay...I always am. This is the mind game of cancer. Loves, Ang
Posted by Angela Clarno at 3:12 AM