Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Just too much.....
So, I have been going along with Jane here. We have gone on summer adventures, I have told Grant to go play golf, I went to my aunt's cabin with the boys and Jane to give Grant a break, I helped with the neighborhood BBQ, etc. etc. etc. I am exhausted. Please don't get me wrong - people are helping me. Without the dinners and Jane, I think I would be dead, not just tired, dead tired. What I realized (with Jane's help), is that I am trying to be me. Active, constantly moving, taking care of everyone......but me. Then Nolan steps in being Nolan. Testing boundaries, testing me, testing Jane, and I LOOSE IT. I am going around with Jane is only here for a couple weeks - so let Grant play and rest, let Mom and Dad rest, so that we can go again. Karissa is busy with three out of school - she needs a rest from me. Problem is - I am not resting. I am having fun, trying to get everything done before Jane leaves and it is actually working against me. GO FIGURE. The cabin was easy - Donna brought everything. All I had to do is get there.....which was okay, but it was the lack of sleep putting two kids back in their sleeping bags, on different schedules because one napped and one didn't, etc and me getting 5 hours or sleep that killed it. Jane offered, but I wanted to be the one that put Nolan back in his sleeping bag. The trip back was hard because Mason got car sick three times. Poor thing - what five year old can grab a ziploc, open it, puke in it, zip it up and continue driving?!?!?! Y'know - it is like, I hadn't LET GO. I did today and Jane did awesome. I still have a little to do before tomorrow hits, but we hit our stride and today is blissful. Nolan in check. I hate cancer. I hate that I have to be sick for days, I hate that it take the precious summer from me, I hate that my friends and family are held hostage with it because of me, I hate that it wins (sometimes). But now, that wouldn't be counting my blessings would it.....because if I turn it around, I wouldn't appreciate my health, I wouldn't have ever known what it is like to be loved THIS MUCH, I would have never know how much I love summer, how badly I love life, and how beautiful life really is.....even with cancer. Jane is taking me to chemo tomorrow....we will have TONS of visit time there. I will miss that girl, but cancer gave me another summer with her. Love, Ang
Posted by Angela Clarno at 3:05 PM