Wednesday, July 7, 2010

My week of freedom

I am exhausted. I have frantically run around trying to get everything ready for my internment and, of course, in Angie fashion, I did. Unfortunately, the stress came out on my Mom and on Grant. Get was about sheets - like bed sheets. I know, it wasn't really about bed sheets, it was about, "Why me?"; mourning my new life that I had for the last 12 months, feeling like a burden on my husband, children, family, friends; wondering what I did wrong (which I don't think I did); wondering how evil I could have been in a previous life to deserve this (which is stupid to think about, but I do sometimes), etc. etc. etc. I was the perfect example of insane as I was SCREAMING the "F" word in my Mom's car. The best part - the windows were all down. Yep, class act that Angie Clarno. My Mom's response you ask? "Okay... Are we done with that dear???? No, honey, I know, it is fine, and I know it is not about sheets." I give it a 10 on the supportive Mom scale. On the 4th, I was at a friend's house and an older woman came out onto the street to watch the fireworks. She told me that it was her birthday, but she couldn't celebrate it because she lost her daughter to cancer on the 6th of July four years ago and that is all that she thinks about. She went on and on about the treatment and how bad it was, on and on about how in the end her daughter told her it was okay and that she (the daughter) was fine. Bored out of their minds, my kids left to watch fireworks across the street and, because I was raised right, I stayed and talked to her. Finally, the fury, anger, stress, and anxiety of spending time with her and not my kids during fireworks right before chemo was killing me. I managed to nicely (not like the screaming "f" word incident) tell her that I was a little familiar with the cancer process as I am, once again, a cancer patient. (Maybe I am a bad person?) Bob (cancer buddy that past two years ago this month) would be pissed at me for that. I am to say, "Cancer Survivor" always. But, I didn't feel like saying that, plus "cancer patient" drove the point home. The conversation turned naturally with a tilt of the head and a narrowing of the eyes, ended nicely, and I went to the kids. I love fireworks - next year - BIG ONES! In the end, I did have a good week. I wish I could have gone a little slower, a little less coordination, a little more easy time, but I will get that now BY DESIGN. My Mom called this morning from Las Vegas. She and my Dad had made plans to go away for just a few days MONTHS ago and I made them go. She was willing to cancel the whole thing. (Hello - Las Vegas in July??? There is a reason to cancel or never make the plans!!!) This is tough for her and as she told me that she loved me her voice started to shake. I wanted her to because if she didn't, cancer would have won and I just can't stand for that. I am taken care of. The boys are in school today and tomorrow and, for the first time, they will see me with my pump on tonight. Mason asked all sorts of questions and I just said, "You will be here tonight and Mommy will feel okay, but you can't and I mean can't play on me, wrestle with me, etc. Tomorrow after school you will go to Auntie Donna's for the weekend. That is when Mommy will feel bad. We will come get you when I feel better." All Mason heard was AUNTIE DONNA and responded with a resounding, "YIPPEE!!!" Funny how they filter..... Off to chemo with Shelly, Ang


auntie jane hainsworth said...

Once again you show us how to live well, how to be in the moment, accept the moment, prepare for the next moment, forgive and ask forgiveness for the unpleasant moments, share the memory of, and gratitude for, the joyful moments.

What you write helps the reader make peace with being human.

You're a really special human.

Be well, Love Jane

Anonymous said...

Sometimes the best word is the "F" word. It says so much in such a short time. Your mom knows and understands. You are her baby and she will be here forever whenever. You know the routine so you know that there are highs and lows all of which are normal. And you are a survior spitting in the face of cancer and taking the upper hand with courage and determination. You remain in my thoughts and prayers. Love,Pam

Anonymous said...

I am praying for your today and always Angie. I wish I had been the one to give you the hug on Sunday. I love you!


Anonymous said...

Love you, honey. Wish I could sit with you while you are tethered to the pump. I'll be thinking of you, sending healing thoughts. And thanks for your note on Helen's site. I talked with her today before she saw your comment, and I read aloud the part about her owing you a visit to Seattle. She laughed. Good job!

Anonymous said...

There is no logic nor understandable reason, as they say s**t happens. You are doing very well for carrying the burden you have been given and you chose the right people to scream at for who loves you more than Grant and Mom.
It is good you have both the anger and the insight and realize the need to get the feeling out, no matter how smart you are,Humans are such a mish mash of Id-Super Ego-Ego even Freud had no answer to this. love pat&mag