Thursday, June 19, 2008

Everyone keeps asking me

..."How are YOOOOUUUU d-o-i-n-g?!?!?" I am starting to look to the side and say, "Are you talking to me?", but I respond with, "I a-m are YOOOUUU d-o-i-n-g???" Apparently, this is because I didn't say much about my last exam with my oncologist. Well, here is how it went. Oncologist sees me one hour after my appointment and I am STARVING. Enter Oncologist, "How are you????" "I am fine. How are you?" "I am good." "Great, how am I?" "Great!" "Great!" (We are like cheerleaders at this point.) Both look around and say, "What you are doing this summer????" We chat for a little bit and I finally say, "Okay, so I am getting a colonoscopy on the 28th of this month, when do you want the PET/CT scan?" He tells me in the middle of July and then I say, "If it comes back, I will be really pissed." He replies, "I will too." and he looks at me. It is just him and me in the office and I start to cry. He says, "You have been so good about all of this. It is natural to be nervous about the scans and if it comes back." I reply, "But I have nothing to be sad for - my story is a happy one - I have friends that...." He replies to me saying, "I have a guy that is seven years out - never had it come back and he still is a wreck every time he comes." I am thinking, "I am not a wreck - I am just crying - you want to see a wreck, stay tuned!", but I didn't say anything. I got myself together and finished the exam. He told me that he would be on vacation returning the Monday after my colonoscopy, so if anything comes up. I looked at him and said, "Nothing is going to come up, so I HAVE NO IDEA WHY YOU ARE SAYING THAT." He looked at me with a straight face and said, "Clearly you are right - my mistake." And, with a hug, I leave, go home, eat at 2:00, start to exhale and relax, get spots in front of my eyes, and get a migraine. Clearly, I am still effected. Such is life cancer free. So, here is the status.....I am three months cancer free. By my next appointment, I will have had a colonoscopy and a PET/CT scan. If those are clear, God willing, I will be four months cancer free. If I get to six months and remain cancer free, my odds go way up and I mean WAY UP. So, as I walk this road with people that are beside me (some cancer free, some not, and some not with us anymore), I still have fear, I still wonder, and I still cherish every moment because what if? So, I am fine, but I not, but I am - make sense? :) Ang


Anonymous said...

It makes perfect sense. NV

Anonymous said...

Your latest post was thought provoking and I started to worry about the technical aspects of the colonoscopy itself. Does the little camera that is at the tip have a teeny tiny windshield wiper to keep it clear and does it have an itsy bitsy container of cleaning fluid so that the tech can squirt a little washer fluid to keep things viewable? See where I am going with this? Inquiring minds want to know the answers, on the same level of curiosity as how one makes really good Jam or better how one makes a really powerful hydrogen bomb.Unfortunately as Bob Dylan used to say the answers are "blowin in the wind". You sound quite spunky and full of sass, which mag&i love and we love you! pat&mag