Last week.....

So, let's start with Sunday, Mother's Day.  All I wanted to do it go to the Flagship REI store, try out bikes (not buy one), and then go to lunch at Ivar's on Elliot Bay and throw french fries at the seagulls.  I did both with all my boys and, while it was difficult for Nolan to understand that we are going shopping for ME, he relented.   Throwing french fries was fun.  Nolan was, of course, doing it his way.  The boys tried calamari and liked it and after a walk on the waterfront and a visit to the Ole Curiosity Shop, I felt that my day was complete.  After dinner with my Mom and Dad, my head hit the pillow and I said to Grant, "Best Mother's Day Ever" (and last years was awesome, so the bar is getting a bit high!).  Monday, Mason had school and Nolan had a developmental study at the UW.  Nolan has been in this study since he was 2 and while my life is complicated, I always feel like I have a way easier life than most.  Here is why.....part of the study is based on his home situation so they ask me questions like, "Has Nolan ever seen you hit your spouse?"  Has Nolan even seen his Grandparents hit each other?"  "Did you steal things before Nolan was born?  After?"  "Do you have a boyfriend?"  (and I want to respond with no - I have a collapsed vagina from radiation damage!, but of course I don't),  "Has Nolan's brother ever been arrested?" (He is seven.) and so on and so forth.  Cancer has got to be cake compared to that.  On the way home, Nolan recognized Ivar's from the freeway and asked if we could go back and throw fries at the seagulls.  I said, "Sure, I am hungry."  He was MUCH better at it on Monday.  Tuesday - Mason school, Nolan swim lessons, Nolan T-ball game, me fasting for my scan on Wednesday.  Wednesday - scan and deliver Grandma's room frig to Mason's teacher whose daughter is going to Gonzaga in the fall - GO ZAGS!  Starving.  Thursday - Bible Study Year End Brunch, garden walk with one of my bible study gals, couple errands, go to school to retrieve the frig delivery wagon and then the phone call from Hank.  Friday - errands, a little work, and then now.  When I told my Dad the results of the scan, he got choked up and told me how proud of me he was for persevering.  When I told my Mom, she was fine.  When I told Grant, he was like, "Do we ever get great news on the first scan?"  So, here are the results.  THE SAME.  Everything is stable - no growth, no smaller.  Hank told me he had to bump/jazz up his game.  I was thinking he needed to get out more.  So, Monday, we add Avastin back in.  It will add a hour plus to my treatment and it may give me high blood pressure, not that it did before.  How do I feel?  Nothing really.  I guess I just feel like this pull between being sick and well, live or death and it gets a little dramatic for me.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I love being dramatic, but I prefer that to be with friends, stupid stories, and a drink in my hand, not this.  But I have learned that I have to give it time, have patience, and "just keep swimming" as Dory on Finding Nemo says.  How did I deal?  I cleaned out the garage, and I bought my bike.  My bike that I picked and no one else did.  (I have never picked my own bike and for some reason I needed to - especially since the stupid sandbags are coming down this summer!)  Lets be clear - I have no intention of giving up or giving in.  My boys just got really fun and, while my old goal was to see Mason so to school, my new goal is to live until they naturally stop talking to me.  I figure 13ish.  So, I got six to eight years on my back.  Who knows what will happen in six to eight years.  Enjoy your weekend.....I am ordering accessories for my bike!  Love, Ang

Five years

Five year ago this month, I found out I had this terrible wretched "condition".  Five years ago this month I didn't know if I would see Nolan's first steps or Mason's first day of school.  Five years ago this month, I raged at God for giving me these two precious boys and then taking their Mom away from them.  Five years ago this month, I met my oncologist.  He was the only one that gave me hope.  He refused to give me odds, but did say if I didn't get treatment, I would die.  He say to me without blinking that I may be the one to raise my boys and take care of my parents in their old age.  I clung to his words and, while wondering how good of a liar he was, believed him.  Monday he gave me a number - the odds I had so wanted so badly five years previous. It went something like this....(me cocky as ever) "Hey, you know it has been five years, right?  I told you I would be in the top 10%."  He smiled and said, "I just noticed that too."  pause "And, by the way, you are going in the top 1."  My cockiness gone.  Me silent.  That is a good number.  Exhale.  Happy Friday, Ang

Chemo tomorrow...

Life seems to go at the speed of light....then we had to move Grandma to the Health Center.  I am always amazed at the things I find in her stuff.  Why after being in a Retirement Home for 13+ years does she still have a blender?????  My Dad will finish up this week and then we will have to do the painful task of sorting and distributing.  So, after Toss ball, T-ball, moving, planting...here I am again....chemo tomorrow.  Last one before the scan next week. Enjoy the sun!  Ang

Wow, that took a while...

As most of your know, chemo impacts your memory and scatters your thoughts.  Today, I JUST remembered my password to the blog.  Oh yeah, I could have done that whole, "Don't remember your password?" thing, and I would click it but then it would get too hard requiring me to remember more things than I could and then I would get distracted with something else - much like a toddler....nice...sorry.  So, the answer to last Thursday question was, "Yes, I made it to both Mason's field trip and Nolan's garden party!"  Mason's field trip was adorable and I really can't believe how well behaved they were.  It was just me and the teacher and it was fine.  We didn't lose anybody and we only had one bathroom "emergency".  Mason's teacher asked me to take him and he looked at me with those eyes like, "I ain't gonna make it!" and I was like, "Well, THIS is something I can relate too!"  I told him we would and with a little fast moving a lot of excuse us' we did.  When I left, he asked if I could go on the next field trip with them and I said, "As many as I can buddy."  Smile.  Nolan's garden party was great.  I am not sure the rows of flowers and veges will be particularly straight, but they are planted!  I was happy to go to both, but I didn't do much in between or on Friday.  It was good to push myself and motivation to not break Mason's heart was incentive enough.  The weekend was good outside of Grant and I getting into a bad fight.  Y'know, for anyone out there that thinks that we don't fight or that our priorities are so perfect, please know that 90% of the time we don't and we do, but mix exhaustion from work, kids, cancer treatment, t-ball, toss ball, errands, medical insurance companies, and a relationship together and sometimes you just don't want to get in the car with your spouse even though he follows you and asks you twice to get in the car and you reply with, "I would rather die on the side of the road than get in the car with you."  Now remember, I am not a girl that whines or says stuff she doesn't mean.  I MEANT it and he KNEW it.  Amazing how much anger can fuel energy. I was thoroughly exhausted when I got home and he was thoroughly concerned that I walked all that way.  I needed the walk and on it a lot happened.  Episode #1 - I divorced him, thought about who would get the house, and how we would split the kids...etc... Episode   #2 I strangled him, but then the kids would really be put out...etc... Episode #3 etc. etc. etc. By the time I got home it all just seemed too difficult and consequence ridden, so I opted for working on the marriage.  I was way better.  Quite calm actually.  In any case, we gave each other the time we needed to get back on track.  In addition, we went to bed at 8:30 that night - and I mean sleep.  Sunday was 9:30 - and I mean sleep.  Much better now.....Love, Ang

The notes your get from your kids.....

When you are open about your condition, you get these.  They are the hardest, but, of course, I had to go over his spelling with him too.  Figure THAT one out!  

Had a great week.  Started acupuncture with this amazing woman in Fremont.  Wow.  She is a really neat person - she looks like she could run a horse ranch and she is funny!  Then, she taught me all about Chinese medicine and herbs.  The formula she is working on for me was all in Chinese - like I can read that.  And, BTW, she is whiter than I am.  VERY COOL.  Anyhoo, she told me after the first appointment that I may be too accommodating to the cancer - respecting it too much and I should treat it more like an unwanted house guest.  Pause - really? - pause.  I NEVER, EVER, EVER thought I would be accused of that, but after two seconds, I believed she was right.  She said, I should just gently get them to go on their way, or something like that.  Now, if I knew her better, I would have said, "Really, I can't just say - "GET THE F&#\K OUT??!?!?!""  While I work on that, let's just pray that acupuncture makes my chemo easier because I REALLY, REALLY want to go to Mason's field trip with him on Thursday - The Little Mermaid play in Renton.  I just need to get on the bus, ride, get off, sit, and repeat in reverse.  I hope I can manage that.  Then, Nolan has a garden party that afternoon - prayers, reiki, bets, bribes, all accepted.

Off to chemo tomorrow bright and early.  Thank you to all of your that have brought me new ways to eat red meat.  My platelets better be awesome!!!!  Love, Ang

No good deed goes unpunished

I followed all the rules, I got my platelets up, and I got to do chemo.  Notice, "I GOT TO DO CHEMO." In addition, my dearest oncologist turned up the heat, just like I knew he would.  All dosages of everything horrible were up.  Afterwards, I remember, oh yeah, this sucks.  I had a friend paraphrase a conversation we had on Monday when she brought dinner.  While I laughed at the email, in the future, I think it is best to not post, talk on the phone, or answer the door during the first three days of chemo EVER again.  Okay, back to my point, while I like to put the bend on chemo that is a privilege that not all have, that it is saving my life, that it is giving my kids a mom, my husband a wife, my parents a child, etc etc., there is nothing I would wish less on than someone having to do chemo over and over and over again.  There are somethings that are good but they come after the wave of nausea is over, when my tongue stops swelling, when you can literally feel everything you ate and how it is, or isn't, going down.  In those moments, when the house is so quiet because your kids are gone, and your husband is working, when the neighbors are working and the telemarketers finally give up, that you think, they could do it without me.  I think this one was especially hard on me because my buddy wasn't here.  The one little being that would lean on me while I puked, curl up next to me and readjust every time without complaint when I had to sit up from heartburn, the one that would meow when I came down the stairs in the middle of the night.  I mourned her more in the last few days than I have yet.  I  frantically tired to find a kitten, but it is like banging my head against a wall.....wait till June or July they say.  Deal with your grief the voice inside me says.  Face it there will NEVER be another cat like that.  And then slowly......the weather turns, the sun comes out, the heartburn subsides and my tongue kinda fits in my mouth again.  Food doesn't hurt anymore not that I look forward to it and our barn cat (who adopted us two years ago) rubs up against me while I sit in the sun, she brings me a mouse that she caught and she is looking for praise.  Nolan comes home while Grant takes Mason to Toss Ball Practice.  Nolan bought bubbles at the store at school today - one for me and one for him.  We blow bubbles outside.  We find out the barn cat, who is afraid of nothing (but Grant), is terrified of bubbles.  We laugh.  He gives me a kiss.  He says he is happy to be home, but he likes Grandma's treats better and Grandpa is out of money and can't afford socks.  (NOTE:  Who doesn't like Grandma's treats better and my father is ALWAYS OUT OF MONEY.)  I teach Nolan the song, "Liar, liar, pants on fire." and tell him to sing it to Grandpa.  He looks at me with wicked delight and says, "Really?!?!"  And I say, "Oh yeah, but just to Grandpa.  Deal?"  "DEAL!"  He has learned the words "evidence" and "investigation" since leaving me on Sunday.  The sun slowly moves and hits his face and I think this is the good part.  Would I have looked at him this way in the sun?  Would I have taken the time to blow bubbles?  Would I have had the balls to teach him that song and sing it to his Grandpa?  Probably not.  This is the good part because someday, I hope in my heart, Nolan remembers that moment and teaches his kids "Liar lair pants on fire" and smiles.  It is a privilege.  It is worth it.  Enjoy the sun, Ang

The previous post show you

That you should not post I an iPad when heavily drugged......sorry! Doing okay....Ang

After eating red meat and protein for days....

My platets were better than they have been in two years. I ate red meat and anti oxidants for days. When I told Hank he was a little worried about he antioxidants (too close to chemo they came work againsts it), bit issured him, I stopped on Saturday and the results speak for themselves. Half way through e week I said, "Wow, I could get Colon cancer from this diet...WAIT, I already do! BONUS! Happy Monday! Ang

No Chemo Yesterday

So, I got to chemo, got hooked up and everything and then my blood work came through.  Hank thought about giving it to me, but thought it would be better to wait.  My platelet CT was the lowest it had ever been and it just made him nervous to give me chemo, but not nervous to send me away and make me come next week.  I went home exhausted (mainly from the mental crap that you have to do to get there only to be sent home) and finished cleaning my carpets (fallout for Africa's last moments) when I noticed my port was leaking blood all over my shirt.  I tried to stop the bleeding, but it just kept pouring out like a stream with no evidence of stopping....MMMMM better call.......Nurse answers and says, "You were what? Cleaning carpets with what size machine?  Angie, do you know you are a cancer patient?"  They are really nice there....really.  Anyhoo, apparently you are not suppose to do anything heavy like for a little while after having your port accessed.  So, after laying down with direct pressure for 45 minutes, it stopped.  Hey, at least the carpet is clean and I got to enjoy an amazingly sunny 65 degree day!  We will try again next Monday.  Love, Ang

For every action there is an equal

reaction.  Is that how that goes?  Well, my mini vacation from chemo is over.  This round went very well.  I even kept up my walking Mason home from school a couple times.  A few things happened this round that were note worthy.  On the Friday after my chemo, I had a few easy errands - the bank for a deposit, drop off a library book, etc.  As I was doing this, I had a craving for a crab cocktail.  I know - WEIRD.  But it is salty pure meat, so my doc would be fine.  I went by B&E Meats in Des Moines.  I love that place.  I asked if they had crab cocktails to go and they said, no, but they had the meat, the cocktail sauce, and even lemons.  The meat was sealed in 1/2 pound bags.  I told him I needed like a 1/4 pound and he said, "I can open it up for you and just give you that."  Great.  Beautiful crab leg meat - yum.  So, I grab the cocktail sauce, a lemon, and he asked what I was up to today......this is what I said....no, I lied, "I am getting a crab cocktail for a friend of mine.  She has cancer and was craving it today."  Without missing a beat, he replied, "In that case, can I get her anything else to try?"  FRICK.  REALLY.  I am SUCH an ass.  "Oh, no, really.  I think she will be fine."  "No, no, let me put in a little candied smoked salmon (which I love), sweet beef jerky (which I love), and a few strips of bacon.  That way she can try them and see if anything sits well."  I reply with, "Well, let me pay for it."  "No. no."  "But..."  "Listen, I want to do this - please let me."  "Okay, gosh thank you.", said the giant ass (that would be me if you haven't gotten there yet).  I am a horrible person.  I went home and ate it all.  I guess it worked and I love B&E more.

The other thing that happened was one that I haven't talked about much......Africa, my cat.  After 16 years of loving me and taking care of all of us, I had to put her down this last Friday.  For the last three months, I have worked with her and the vet with steroids, glucosamine, observation, etc, after her stroke in December.  I was in the room when they did it and with only 1/10 of the medicine, she was gone.  It was time for her, but so very painful for me.  This will be my first round of chemo without her.  For me, I am sad.  For her, she is free.  However, there was a reaction.  Lisa Hanley, of Hanley Beadworks, made me the most adorable, sweet, cute, beautiful, cat charm.  It is perfect and will be with me this entire round.  Black with green eyes....just like my kitty.

A friend asked me this time, "I have to ask you.  This may be insensitive, but do you ever think about dying?"  Answer, "Everyday.  And I structure my life around it.  Every time I go back to treatment, I show Grant where everything is (I should write it down, but he would not be able to find that...), and I talk to him about stuff like, what I want for my service and how he is to get out of the way of the team that is to do it - yes, I have a team - yes, I am that organized.  Sometimes, I ask him thing like, "Do you think you will get married again and have more kids?"  And he responses in a very disturbed manner when it comes to kids, "No, I am not having more kids.  I am way too old for that."  "And marriage?  I would like to see you happy."  He responds to me with some thing like, "Ang, a guy like me can only fool the girl he wants once."  And from across the room he starts working with the kids on legos and I know that after 19 years of being with him and only him, that is the greatest compliment.

Other things that happened were normal life things - insurance debacles, refinancing irritation making me want to make a banner that I can string over my house "FINALLY FREE OF CITIBANK!!!!", parking tickets (Grant - really just park in a garage!), and kitty shelters that will not talk to me because I have a five year old - NICE.

Off to the shower - gotta go to chemo....Ang