Sometimes life slaps you in the face.....

1.  Baby slap in the face...

The first week of December was a tough one.  The pressure of Christmas was on, Mason's Birthday was here and he decided right before Thanksgiving weekend and that he did not was a 1/2 Birthday Party in June at the pool, he wanted a birthday party.  SERIOUSLY.  Nolan started puking on Wednesday before Thanksgiving, I got a migraine on Thanksgiving, but the best part was, I got the party planned, kids were back in school, Evite went out, and Grant comes home early with the flu on Tuesday. I ask him if he can watch Nolan while I take Mason to Ukulele, he says yes and I go.  Well, through all of this, I haven't been, well, the best of Mothers.  I certainly would not have been nominated for Mother of the Year, or, let's face it, Mother of the Day.  Ukulele went GREAT.  Mason was praised by his teacher that he loves and when we got in the car, Mason, in Mason fashion, started philosophizing.  He said, "Mom, when you get upset, you need to go upstairs in your room, lay down, take a deep breath and think of all the good times like when we went to Disneyland on Mother's Day........(he keeps going)"  I am thinking, "We never were in Disneyland on Mother's Day....when did that happen....and that?!?!?!"  And I got to make a decision right there....get mad or listen to the message as it was intended.  I said, "Mason, thank you.  I will take that under advisement.  I know things have been a little hectic (sickness, birthday planning AT THE LAST MINUTE IN DECEMBER!, etc. etc.) and I am sorry.  We got home and walked in the house.  Things are weird.  Dinner is out.  I have everything ready it just had to be served.  Nolan was in front of the TV watching a show on Discovery.  Oh, nice the guy on the TV is puking.  Fantastic.  He is watching Moonshiners.  FABULOUS.  (Nolan does not know who to operate the Tivo or change the channel.  I was proud of that until now.)  Grant is upstairs having chills and totally out of it.  I tell Mason to get something on TV that is appropriate and I will get dinner going.  Yes, we can eat in front of the TV, fine, whatever just get Moonshiners off of it.  While I am getting dinner ready, Mason comes in and says, "MOM, Nolan is sooooooo frustrating.  He wants to watch Moonshiners (of course he does - he is my son) and he is not listening and I just want to hit him!"  YEP.  I know, right?!?!??!?  Breathe.  Now, a better Mother, would have hugged him and told him something teachable and helpful, but let's face it, her I ain't.  I looked at him and said, "Mason, when these things happen, you need to go upstairs in your bed, take a deep breath and think about the good times."  He looked at me and did something like, "ARRGGHHH!" and left the room.  I happily watched Curious George at dinner.  Later, Mason and I laughed about it, talked about it, and did the teachable thing.

2.  Mommy slap in the face....

The week ends and I am still under pressure to get to my last doctor appointment of the year, get the cake, read about my friend, Shelly, research more about this new liver procedure and she and I are convinced will be the turning point in her treatment (at least we were in October), she has had some challenges, but she sounds good on Facebook, visit with another friend that was just diagnosed, get her set up for treatment over the holidays, etc. etc. And then yesterday.....I went on Facebook and there was a weird picture, I went on Shelly's page....and she was gone.  Gone.  I scrolled and scrolled disbelieving what I was reading.  She was just fine over the weekend.  She just posted the most hilarious things over Thanksgiving.  I just posted to her on the 8th.  And then I had to accept it.  I sent a few emails, posted on my page, and then this morning (after being a hot mess yesterday morning) I wrote this to a good friend who was worried that I was experiencing what is called survivor guilt. This was my response....

I am much better today.  I, of course, am feeling the guilt.  She was my protege.  I was first and therefore would go first.  Once, during one of her chemo sessions, she said, "Angie, if something happens to you, I do not know what I would do."  My reply was, "Nothing is going to happen to us, but if it does you will carry on." all the while thinking of Bob and knowing that someday she would have to face it.  This was the wrong order.  Children should not die before their parents, and cancer proteges should outlive their teachers.  We were a force to be reckoned with and my girl is gone, so I am taking my own advice and carrying on mainly because she would throw it in my face if she knew all this and now, unfortunately for me, she has that opportunity.   I do not feel her like I did Bob, but I know where she is and the blanket of love she is casting.  It is right where it should be.  

Shelly, you fought like a champion as I know you are doing now.  I kinda feel sorry for God right now, but he will probably handle it okay.  I was blessed to be your teacher and your student.  I know why you did. I understand the drive to see your precious babies grown up.  All I can tell you now, is that you did it.  Everything they need to know you taught them.  Of course, they will miss you, but they will see you again, and you are free of this nasty business of cancer.  You can now be there always and your light runs through their veins.  Well done Shel - WELL DONE.  Love you, Angie