Saturday, December 12, 2009
Coming out of the fog....
Tuesday was exhausting and Wednesday was like I was coming out of a fog. I was happy, relieved, clear headed, and then realized, "OMG! It is CHRISTMAS! I better get on the ball!!!" My Mom was a yo-yo helping me out all week. I wasn't organized. I was distracted. I was then panicked. Seriously, cheers to her for being such a trooper - I would have written me off - seriously. In all my busyness......as I was doing all those Christmas things......my mind kept going .........."Why did those four (five if you count the previous shooting earlier this fall) police officers have to die?"........."Why did _______ (cancer patient) die? He wasn't much worse of than me, was he?"........."Why didn't chemo work on Bob like it did me?" Welcome to SURVIVOR GUILT. When you finally realize that the entire world doesn't revolve around you and why on the war with cancer, life, etc, you are left standing and your friend, your acquaintance, or even just a stranger, is not anymore. I think I finally get what my friend who wanted to switch places with me was feeling. And, I am embarrassed to say that I haven't really felt this yet which tells me I am either hyper focused on survival, or shallow. I am hoping for the first. Don't worry - I am enjoying the season, but it has a little bit of a bittersweet taste to it. As I am dancing to, "Santa got a Semi" and "See Santa to the Mambo" with my boys and my aunt in the living room, I am reframing every moment, every thought, every smell, and every memory.......maybe for me, but definitely for them.......as if they could feel it through me. It definitely puts a different spin on Christmas. Cheers, Ang
Posted by Angela Clarno at 3:14 PM