Ang's Journey

Things that make me fall to my knees....

2012-01-31T14:05:00.000-08:00

Mason had a substitute teacher and he asked her how old she was. She said, "Older than dirt." Next day, she asked Mason if he told his Mom how old she was and he replied, "No because I don't know how old dirt is."

Mason wrote for his writing assignment, "I learned police use radar guns to make sure we do not speed otherwise it would (wood) be a ......" and then he looks at me and asked how to spell "calamity".

Nolan is in the back of the truck and somehow he earned two lollipops. He finished one and said, "Mummy! Look back here. See I am done! I need my next one!" with his eyebrows up like, "HELLO!!!!"

The Vice Principle of Mason's school stopped me and said, "I have to tell you he is such a great kid. Did you know that he read his MLK assignment in front of the entire school? (617 students) He did SUCH a great job! We are so lucky to have him here."

"Your blood work looks better than it has in two years and I think your spleen is FINE." Hank

"Everything feels great down here. I think we did it but see me every three month JUST in case." Colorectal Surgeon

That was just last week.

I fall to my knees each time (clearly not literally - that would be WEIRD)...I pray for seeing these things I never thought I would see, for hope that I might see them grow up, for a chance, and for the moment.

Happy Tuesday, Ang

We did lose one in the ice storm...

2012-01-31T11:31:00.000-08:00

Mickey was cased in ice, then I lost him on my parent's drive way clearing what I have determined as too many trees (that is a story all on its own!) only to find him with one ear and then lose him again. So, if anyone is going to Disneyland, let me know, I need a Mickey! I have no idea why the photo is sideways!

State of Emergency??? COME ON!

2012-01-19T15:20:00.000-08:00

According to our Governor, we are in a State of Emergency. Yeah, it has been snowing. There is freezing rain which it good for pictures and one our our trees has lost five major branches. Yes, there is an ice storm, but my power is on (good part of living less than a mile from a jail) and besides being stuck in the house, really an emergency? So, the airport is closed and the highways are a "treacherous". Their word not mine. Pierce County police responded to 232 car accidents in 16 hours. Is it a State of Emergency or operator error??? This is nothing compared to my Dad hearing there is a small craft advisory on the Strait of Juan de Fuca and saying, "Hang on Angie. We're going to go get a camp site!" or after Mt. St. Helen's blew and we were told to stay put and my Dad said, "Tie this hanker-chef around your mouth. We 're outta here." State of Emergency - my ass! Speaking of that.....I called my doctor's office today saying, "Hey, do we have all the info from the throat guy to make some decisions today?" Answer - no. Do I have to come in? I will - no big deal. I have a babysitter since every school in the world is closed, but if some JACKASS hits my car I have no budgeted line item for "JACKASS hitting my car and need a new one". Apparently, I that is a REALLY good argument and I remain low on the "Going to Die" list, so another week away from there. In addition, long stretches in the house with your children teach you what your children listen to.....Nolan quote of the day, "Mommy, I don't have to take a bath. (I was a little worried about loosing power and wanted to be clean if/when we did.) Our power lines are underground." I am thinking, you are FOUR - how do you know that? So I say, "How do you know that?" "You told me! And we talked about transformers and power stations...." As he babbles on, I remember our conversation and think, how come he can't remember to put away his clothes, wash his hands, and eat his carrots?!?!?!?! "And the power comes from where it is generated, by a Dam or something like that, through the lines, to a power station......" R..E..A..L..L..Y? COME ON!!! Happy Snow Day, Ang

There are just somethings I don't invite on myself

2012-01-11T08:55:00.000-08:00

So, my oncologist's office calls LATE and says, "Whacha doin'?" I said, "Finishing up Chicken Parmigiana. Why ya callin'?" "Well, we have to reschedule your Thursday appointment. He is meeting with some big wig that is coming into town." I said, "That is me, didn't you know that????" Laugh. Reschedule. Go to the calendar and realize I just rescheduled my appointment with my oncologist (aka Dr. Death - and I do really like the guy!) on Friday the 13th. Oh, HELL NO! Call back and reschedule to the next Thursday. Now, I am not very superstitious, but there are certain things I have learned not to do. I don't fly, I don't go in underground parking garages, I try not to do elevators (I have gotten a fair amount of exercise on those days) and I DON'T GO TO MY ONCOLOGIST. No need to INVITE disaster. It has already showed up enough UNINVITED! So, I will know what I am doing next week. Happy Friday the 13th, Ang

Seeking the Perfect Christmas

2012-01-06T10:03:00.000-08:00

This is a long post, so get your coffee or tea and get comfortable... Two posts ago, I told you that I had to get a scope down my throat. For many, that was a real shock because I hadn't talked about it too much. Here is why..something came up in my last scan and when something comes up like that, I am then sent to a new place to get a closer look. Because the procedure is that and it has happened with my liver and now my esophagus, I guess, I didn't make too much a deal of it until we KNEW if something was wrong. I think the problem is, every six to 12 weeks, I get a scan that tells you every bloody thing that could be wrong with you. Most people don't get these scans thank God because knowing EVERYTHING that COULD be wrong with you is not necessarily a blessing. Please do not misunderstand, I am thankful for the technology, but I take the information cautiously at times. This proved to serve me well, as the procedure was last week and it was absolutely fine. I meet with the doctor to follow up next week. So, let's get back to Christmas. Right after, my Christmas Eve post, I looked up a couple of my cancer buddies. One had an allergic reaction to her last chemo treatment which I knew about, but, I finally read her blog to get her perspective. I felt helpless and I knew I couldn't have helped her with this because I never really have dealt with my allergic reaction that I had where I fainted and had to stay over night in the hospital. Her post totally threw me back to all of those feelings....I remember that I said, "I am going to faint." and thinking....this is it....this is how I will die. I then remember NOT seeing the "light" and hearing all sort of commotion around me....."Are her numbers always this low?" from a voice I did not recognize. "NO! It is upside down!" from my nurse. "I need more room - here let me do this....move that chair!" (I am crying as I am typing this.) I remember the oxygen being blown in my face and a nurse that I do know saying to me very calmly and sweetly, "Angie, you gotta wake up. Just open your eyes. Come on honey, wake up for us." I took a deep breath realizing that it wasn't my last and thinking, "Oh, this is going to cause A LOT of paperwork..." I opened my eyes and said, "I am sorry." She smiled looking at me. In a very loud commanding voice said, "She is apologizing...she is just fine." She never broke her gaze. Commotion stops. Hank is there with, "You have my full attention and one phone call." I said, "Call Grant and tell him not to come. I will be fine." That is all I am going to say...my therapist thinks that it is a good idea for me to talk about it sometimes and feel it a little. Sit with it. Apparently, it helps you deal with it. It is the same technique that they you on solders when they come home from war. Wow, that sucks. So, I did learn that I should not read those things on Christmas Eve especially when you know another cancer buddy just found out his brain tumor is back and will need surgery soon (like today). Despite it all, I charged on that night and may of had to much to drink, but get this, I didn't feel anything. Grant even said, "You should be hammered. I am driving." He is very eloquent. I went through the motions and the boys were getting really excited. I don't think they knew. My neck hurt and I was really kinda stressed out with it being a PERFECT Christmas. I even did crafts with my kids in December. What ridiculous complication is that during the holiday?!?! I don't do crafts - like ever. I HATE glitter, and glue. But I did it like more than once and more than on one occasion. What was I thinking? Anyway, back to the story....so, we get home on Christmas Eve. Boys in bed. Cookies out. Santa came just like he should, but if he was here, I really should have run into him. I was up until 3am. First, I don't sleep much on Christmas Eve. Never have. I love Christmas Eve. Second, I was so keyed up, I couldn't sleep and my stomach hurt, my neck hurt, I think I pulled a muscle in my leg....I was a mess. Then about 1:30 after going to the bathroom, I saw something in my underwear. Blood. Convinced that my cancer had come back. I was like, but no, it is (now, if you are all scared and wimpy, just STOP reading....seriously...STOP) too high to be 'there". I haven't had a period in YEARS - chemo took care of that. What the hell?!?!? Check again...doing I call the doc? No, it is Christmas Eve....he is Jewish. Check again. Wrong color for cancer. (You didn't STOP did you? STOP!) Wrong color for a lot of things. Wow, I drank too much... definitely not calling the doctor would sound RIDICULOUS. Everybody already knows I have rectal cancer.....no surprise there! Why is it there in my underwear? Change underwear. Pace more. Neck hurts more, muscle tense, try and go to sleep - really? Clearly too much to drink if I thought I can actually go to sleep. Check again - more blood. Same position. (Now it gets funny, but still over the line of socially acceptable, so if you still reading, you may continue on...) So, I look in the mirror of the vanity at my butt. (There is a visual you will NEVER forget.) Remember I am on a lot of blood thinners. I somehow did something to the middle of my right butt check and it was bleeding A LOT. Exhale. It is not my cancer. Run to the toilet. Puke so hard and violently it comes out my nose. Clean up. Exhausted. Fall into bed. Sleep.......HARD. 7am "Mommy Mommy I wasn't naughty! Santa came! Santa came! Get up! Daddy!! Santa came....get up!!!!!!' Neck pain gone, muscle pain gone, stomach fine.....just tired. I smile....I got my perfect Christmas after all...... Love, Ang

Christmas!

2011-12-24T15:07:00.000-08:00

I can't say that I have anything to say but..............Merry Christmas!!!! May you and your have the greatest and peaceful of Christmases!!!! Love, Angie, Grant, Mason and Nolan

Someone asked me the other day

2011-12-14T12:42:00.000-08:00

how many Christmases since Nolan has been born have your been off treatment. Well, this is his forth Christmas and this is the second Christmas I have been out of treatment since he was born. So, 50% of the Christmases that he has been alive, I have been sick. Pretty bad odds for a little one, but when I look at the Christmas album, we sure did a lot and they sure seemed happy.... So, here is an update. I saw the esophagus doc and after interviewing and examining me he said, "Well, since you probably want to focus on the holidays the next few weeks and I think the odds of this being a problem (translation...the veins in my lower esophagus bursting and me bleeding out due to the high amount of blood thinners I am on) is pretty minimal, why don't we wait until after Christmas?" ENOUGH SAID. BUT, I had to get "permission" from Hank. Hank said, "If he said so, I think you can wait, MERRY CHRISTMAS!" I returned the email in seconds with, "Happy Hanukkah!" Like SEE YA!!! Poor oncologists...they really get the shaft cause I ain't going to the building for nothin' until my appointment to get a scope down my throat which is scheduled on December 29th. So, truly, I have been enjoying the holiday season. There was a little snafu with a possible refinance, but that is over. We didn't do it because get this.....we can't get a better rate than we have because.....now wait for it.....this is FRICKIN' classic......we don't owe enough money. We can't get a loan to redo our bathrooms because of the "current state of the banking industry". So, 16 years ago, when Grant and I had NO ASSETS, NO LIFE INSURANCE, etc. they qualified us for a bazillion dollars for a home loan. Of course, that was Washington Mutual who now is out of business and the largest banking failure in the 21st century, but nevermind. Now that we have back up and a good chance I am going to kick it and leave a bunch of money to Grant, they don't want anything to do with us. GOTTA LOVE IT. So, no bathrooms, no refinance, and WHATEVER. I have bigger problems! So, besides that, life has been great and almost too busy. I think my eyes were bigger than my energy. For example, last weekend, I had us fully booked with holiday fun and by Sunday at 1, I was done for. Like in my PJs at 1pm, done for. So, if I don't show up for something, forgive me, I am not used to this being healthy thing. Oh, I should tell you two things....one, when I was meeting with the esophagus guy, he was like, "Your counts are low (meaning blood). They should have bounced back by now. Do you feel tired?" I was like, "Oh, look at my crit (sp)." He replies, "Yeah, that is good. That is why you don't feel tired, but..." Quickly, I interject, 'Yeah, but my crit is good!" Funny part....I don't even know what a 'crit' is!!!!!!! WHEW, dodged that one. Seriously, you can't say do this after Christmas and then start talking about something else that could screw up my holiday. Nope...don't gonna happen! Serpentine, serpentine, serpentine! Also, funny Nolan story, so I am walking to school with Nolan to pick up Mason and Mia and he is going on about how he is saving his money for a pirate ship, cannon, and gun. He said, "Mommy, I can't quite afford the cannon, so I think I will just get the ship and gun." I thought about it and said, "Well Nolan, Mommy and Daddy don't have a gun and we haven't really needed one. Plus, used pirate ships come usually fully equipped with cannons. And if you have cannons you can probably get the bad guys, so that they don't get on the ship and then you don't need a gun." "Really Mommy?" "I think so, but I have never been a pirate." "Good idea Mommy!" Long pause. "Mommy, when I am done being a pirate at the end of the day (Nolan thinks pirates have shift work and that it is like 8-5 and then you go home to your family - I know - hilarious and I can't tell him different!), I am going to come home to you. Carter (his best friend) will live next door with his family. But I will come home." "Okay, Nolan." "See, Mommy, pirate ladies are not very pretty and you are, so I am coming home to you." Sweet moment, but don't get comfortable with it - this is NOLAN we are talking about. Short Pause. "Well, thank you Nolan. That was nic..." Nolan interrupts, "But not when you are yelling. You are VERY ugly when you are yelling." Yep, there it is.....another "teachable moment" I get do deal with. Exhale. "So, Nolan, have we not talked about why Mommy yells?" No lie.....you can hear Nolan roll his eyes and say, "Yes MUMMMY!" And, we continue off to school...... Happy Wednesday, Ang

I am fine...really!

2011-11-30T12:37:00.001-08:00

Hey, I am starting to get the "haven't seen anything on the blog for a while", phone hang ups as not to bother me, and call waiting going but no message. I know I haven't gotten back to people and for that I am sorry. I am doing great. I see the liver guy on Friday for my first appointment and then we will probably scope sometime after that. It is too soon to know if anything is a problem, so I am just rolling with that. Things are busy and I am on the phone a lot (why I don't click over many times) with long distance mortgage lenders (yes, we might be refinancing, but it is a long shot), insurance, etc. I am fine....I am actually lovin' life and having fun getting ready for Mason's birthday and Christmas!!! Thank you for all the love, Ang

Scan this morning; results already?

2011-11-17T12:01:00.001-08:00

GREAT NEWS - No growth anywhere. So, my little three spots remain three little spots and I have just bought some more time to get to cyberknife with software which they should be done installing by now and starting to test! This also means that I have the holidays.....OMG, that feels so good.....there is something that Hank wants to physically see me about. Something about my liver, but that is not new...I can't remember what he said cause I was basking in the holidays without chemo. I made an appointment for Tuesday of next week to go over whatever he said.....I have the holidays........YIPPEE!! So, I can trash my backup schedule of doing chemo and which weeks would "work"...I don't even know how much time he is giving me until my next scan....and frankly I don't care - I HAVE THE HOLIDAYS!!!!!! More next week - love, Ang

Sometimes, I am completely astonished....

2011-11-06T16:03:00.000-08:00

Right now, it is because of the weather. Yeah, it is cold, but it is BEAUTIFUL and since I don't have a cold sensitivity because of chemo, I am lovin' it. The colors are amazing and I am so...happy, like real genuine happy. Another is who I hear from on my blog. Wow, never thought I would see, talk, type to, any of those people again, but it is nice to see their names on my blog. The last is my family and friends . I had no idea what cool people I know and now that I can track and remember things better is it really sinking in. Not just what they do for me, but how they think and what they believe. I think I finally became a cool kid. And, if I am not, I sure as hell think I am!!!!! :) Have a great week! Love, Ang

So, my status has not changed from the last

2011-11-02T19:20:00.000-07:00

but I have been to NYC since then! So, much seemed to have happened since the 17th of October. Nolan somehow understands that he was frozen (as an embryo) because he said to me the other day in the truck, "Mommy, remember when I was laughing at you when YOU were in kindergarten?" I replied in a blahsay (sp) way, "Nolan, you were not alive then.." "Yes, I was! I was in the freezer!" Crap, I really shouldn't have read my pregnancy journal to him QUITE yet. Soccer season is over and Grant successfully coached two teams - WHEW! Nolan has turned into quite the soccer player. See attached video. He is actually stomping on a grasshopper during a corner kick. Yes, that is him scoring also. :) Mason is turning 13, I mean 7 soon, and REFUSES to let me touch him at school, but I force him to acknowledge me. Since when has my parenting technique equaled "dude"???? And then when I think my scan is on the 17th of this month and I either continue like this until they are ready for me in cyberknife, or I do chemo light until cyberknife, or I end up going back into chemo, I really do just push it from my mind. I still have one trip to go and lots of minutes NOT to worry about it. Funny thing keeps coming back to me from when I was on my trip with Grant for our anniversary. We do "High Point, Low Point" of the previous year. I know what my Low Point was. It was when I planned my funeral in detail and appointed a group of three people to execute my plan. What got me in this was the unbelievable number of High Points I had in spite of my "condition." How can life to so happy and so sad? I guess it has a funny way of showing you that, sometimes, the path is hard but the nuggets you get along the way are precious. Happy Wednesday, Ang

Results of Friday

2011-10-17T09:23:00.000-07:00

Well, turns out I was neither in trouble or brilliant, BUT I got all that I wanted. I am the first on the table for Cyberknife with the software (meaning no markers in my lungs), but they need one month to install it and 2 and a half months to test it. So, we are buying time. How Hank wants to handle that is that I get ALL my trips, but right after my last one in mid November, I have to go in for a PET/CT. It I am stable, we wait. If there are more, I am probably back in chemo, BUT if they stay to three and just get bigger, we will buy time by doing chemo light which isn't so bad. So, there is a chance that I could have the holidays W/O chemo or on a light chemo and that would be just fine by me! Happy Monday, Ang

I may lose more weigh than on chemo...

2011-10-12T09:29:00.001-07:00

I used to eat breakfast. In fact, I really like breakfast; however, now, by the time I get to breakfast, Nolan has gotten a hold of the kitchen and is doing his daily recipe. (I have limited him to one a day.) Recipes with Nolan will not only curb your appetite, they eliminate it. For example, today, he made flour, sugar, brown sugar, cinnamon, and egg yolk. Okay, that wasn't so bad, but then he added rubbed sage, soy sauce, salt, baking powder and whipped cream. Then, he required me to beat the egg white into stiff peaks (he actually said, "Stiff, not soft Mommy.") and put it in the frig until tomorrow for waffles. We are currently simmering the flour, soy sauce, sage, cinnamon, salt , sugars, baking powder, and whipped cream on "2" for 51 minutes. If this is how chefs are born, I have a new found respect for their mothers.

So, that was interesting!

2011-10-11T15:33:00.001-07:00

So, Grant and I returned from a short trip to Galiano Island for our anniversary. I crossed the border (Galiano is one of the Gulf Islands on the Canada side...) with my new passport. It was the perfect getaway. Grant and I haven't been somewhere that sleepy since getting a flat tire in the "little car" in Tahis which is a wickedly long story that I tell WAY better than Grant does - stupid Karst topography! Anyway, we had a great time. The food (when it was available) was EXCELLENT, the hikes breathtaking, and the kayak trip amazing but only after the safety orientation that freaked me out so badly, I escaped before we did the dock dismount screaming, "Yes, I have sunscreen!" (very thorough orientation) and promptly ran into a boat in the harbor. I was fine after my mental readjustment of, "S..T, I am GOOD at this and I have bigger problems than F.....N sea kayaking!" :) Monday morning, I got the call with the plan. It started with, "You have been the topic of conversation with lots of people the last few days....after discussing it with all of them both Friday and today, we have decided that (basically) to do nothing because general radiation had a higher probability for doing more harm than if we waited to see if 1) they grew or 2) they spread. Now, I know that hearing, "Do nothing for three months" may sound scary, but I actually get it. See, there is a kind of art form to this and if, say they did general radiation and something then popped up very close to that area later, we could do more damage than good, and we could be SCREWED. That is why they originally wanted to do Cyberknife because it is WAY more accurate and, still dealing with the collateral damage that I have from my pelvic radiation, I get it. He explained it so much that I actually stopped him and said, "Four and a half years ago I wouldn't have understood this, but remember I have had pelvic radiation. I know what you are saying." Now, you may remember from my last post, he didn't want to do cyberknife because there would have to be too many markers put in for three spots in my left lung and there was too much of a chance of a hole in my lung, BUT there is software out there that can do it WITHOUT markers but the physicists are not ready yet....well, listen up....SOOOOO I said, "You know, I have been thinking a lot about this too, and I actually have some thoughts. May I share? "Absolutely!" "Okay, I get that we do nothing, but I was on chemo light..blah...blah...blah..and it worked on my lungs taking away all the spots. My life was actually okay on this, so how about I work with Hank, but I think I could buy some time using that or waiting, whatever Hank thinks, but in the meantime would it be at all possible for me to meet the physicists to talk to them, help them, whatever to get to the place where they are comfortable with the software, the "marker" issue then is gone (no lung leakage), and then we can do cyberknife? I know this may be out of bounds for a patient, and not possible, but if I were able to "be real" it may help, but I don't want to be presumptuous...." Pause because he pauses a fair amount. "I think it is an excellent plan. Better than ours." Pause. Pause again. (I am doing something between an imaginary high five and cheerleader jump - silently, or course.) "Okay....so....where do we go.....I will talk to the docs with this plan, but you have to see Hank this week and discuss this with him....and I will talk to my physicists and, either the idea of you wanting to meet them or if you do, this will be good." "I don't mean to be pushy, but I am interested and sometimes interest motivates." "Yes, it does Angie - excellent." I meet with Hank on Friday at 3:20.....God, I hope I am not in trouble, but it is all I got and my Mamma (and Pappa) taught me to use what I got (legally of course). Love, Ang P.S. By the way, they have all concluded that the "spot" in my right side is so stable that it is most likely and believe that it is scar tissue. Angie 1 Cancer 3; more to come...

To Cyber or not to cyber....

2011-10-06T05:01:00.000-07:00

I am going to write this today, but I am not sure how it will come off. I had a very good appointment. I like the doc very much and please know that my intention is to pro tray an accurate account from my perspective, but these appointments can be very complex and while I follow most of it, I cannot always remember the words that they use and I certainly cannot spell them, so here we go.....I met with the Cyberknife doc yesterday. I got there at 10 for my appointment and I saw him at around 10:50 - that is like lighting, so I was impressed. He had clearly gone over my medical records and understood my case well. He reviewed it with me. Do they they know how upsetting that is? It is like reliving it....."You must have been diagnosed right after your second child was born? That must have been rough. And metastasized cancer at that...wow, you have really been through it."...."Yes, when I received your file, it is on its third volume and lays flat at about 6 inches tall. When I think that every single piece of paper represents a day in the hospital, it reminds me how much you have been through." I have learned to separate myself from this dialog. I can speak about it like it was not really me. It is the only way I have figured out how to deal with it. So, now we get into the appointment..."textbook theory says that we should treat this with a more systemic approach (meaning chemo) because we don't know if tumors feed other/new tumors or if it was always there and we couldn't see it, have you ever been told that?"...."in your case, you have done so well with alternative forms and after lung surgery, you were in remission for over a year which would lead me to believe that this could have the same result, but it is hard to know"....."if we can do no harm, that would be the best, but your case is interesting because we usually don't treat three spots at a time" (yep that is right THREE)....."There just are not a lot of cases like yours. You are so young." AND that is where I stopped him....."Yes, yes, and I am still alive." "Yes, and in good shape. Your lungs don't wheeze and you don't experience shortness or breath (am I supposed to?), you look very well (am I supposed to look like crap?) and after everything you have been through (ENOUGH ALREADY!)....." (Trail off onto another thought). So, here is the skinny....he doesn't know if cyberknife is the way to go. I have three teeny tiny spots in my left lung. One in each lobe which explains to me why my surgeon said he would do too much damage. They are not close together - where did I get that from!?!?!? I also have a slightly larger spot on my right that apparently has been there for a while, but does not light up on the PET. Because cyberknife uses gold marker to track the tumor, that would be markers in three spots in my left lung which means there is a 50% chance of a phemothorax (air leakage out of my lung). I was like, "Been there and done that. I can do it." He looked at me like I had six heads and said, "Yes, but I don't want to." Can I say, whimpy???? Apparently, there is software that will allow the machine to do it WITHOUT markers, but the physicists that do that part "are not comfortable" with it yet......I was like, "With that personality type, they never will be. Give them a deadline and tell them I am coming!" Apparently, it doesn't work that way at Swedish. WHATEVER. So, now my case is going up against the tumor board on Friday morning to discuss this. His immediate thought was that we would do general radiation, but he is not sure whether we should do all three spots at the same time or not, but they are small so I could probably handle the radiation......yadda yadda yadda." As for the left, he is thinking about treating it. It may be a "Do Three, Get One Free" deal. I am not sure. He went over all the possible things that could go wrong and honestly, they have NOTHING on radiation to my ASS. When I reminded him of that, he was like, "Well, yeah there is that...you have been through it. (Really - more of that?)Here is the good news, "None of these (spots) are life threatening right now, so we have some time. We will come up with the best treatment options with the highest probability of success with the least amount of risk, discomfort, pain,......" So, Monday he will call me (I asked him not to call me Friday) and tell me the plan which will not really be the plan, it will be what tests I need to sign up for so that they can research whatever initial plan they discuss on Friday, only to be changed possibly....this could take some time, and secretly, I am hoping it take to about November 14th. As for this weekend, I am going to enjoy my anniversary with my husband. Seventeen years on Sunday. Happy weekend, Ang

Ready for tomorrow...

2011-10-04T16:15:00.001-07:00

So, my consult is tomorrow for cyberknife. When I have told people that I am going to do cyberknife and they either have me spell it or they say, "Wha?" I just tell them it is the last of cancer treatments that I have NOT done and I don't want to leave any stone unturned - y'know, like my Mom and turkey recipes. I am excited for tomorrow. I have seen cyberknife in action through my cancer buddy, but I have never done it myself. I hope that this works. On the home front, my life is blissfully normal. I have even felt that I can take another kid on afterschool for care - I know, am I high??? No, I adore her and if she needs it, I am ready for it. Also, the aftermarket third row seat for my Explorer is coming soon! Which makes me feel like a real mom with drop offs and pick ups and carpools and everything that I want. Now, if I can just survive Nolan recipes that he makes up in his head of oil, water, dill weed, Johnny's seasoning salt, cinnamon, etc.......Love, Ang

And the treatment is Cyberknife!

2011-09-30T16:37:00.001-07:00

Yeah - I don't have to do chemo - YEAH! I will fill you in more when I do. My oncologist say that the cyberknife guys were "salivating" over wanting to treat me - so, hey, what is a girl to do!?!?!?! I meet with them on Wednesday the 5th....more to come.....Happy weekend, Ang

Wyoming Wedding Weekend

2011-09-26T09:13:00.000-07:00

The last time I posted, I didn't mention that I was getting on a plane the next day to go to Sheridan, Wyoming for a wedding. I know - Sheridan - where the heck is Sheridan?!?!?! Get a map - no one just knows where that is unless you are from there. One of my college roommates is from there and lives there now. I have never had a reason to go there, pass through, etc. but a wedding is a pretty important event, so I thought, "Now, is the time." So, off I went with another college girlfriend. I didn't have much time to process or change gears, so I told my friends that we were NOT talking about it and definitely NOT telling the bride. It was HER weekend. We flew to Billings and drove down to Sheridan blowing into town just in time for a shower for Lisa (the bride) which was GREAT timing. I met so many people that I had heard about, but never seen. I saw her Mom who I hadn't seen in 20 years and finally met her "puppy", 92 pound Otis. We laughed, told stories, ate and had a really good time. All Lisa could say was, "This is so weird being on this side of stuff." Meaning she ain't never been the Bride. Lisa has such positive energy; a full of life sort of person. Nothing really ever gets her down and, quite frankly, even if it does, she processes through it so quickly with such perspective you hardly notice her doing it. The next day we decorated for the rehearsal dinner which was a Luau (something I always think of when I think of Wyoming). It was 15 miles out of town in the thriving metropolis of Story, WY population 848 which was more than Banner which had 40 people. I was fine until the first drive out there. See, driving in Wyoming is like driving through an animal refuge 24/7. We had to stop to let a flock of turkey cross the road and there were several deer, raccoons, and other unable to identify carcasses on the side of the road. I was fine until someone hit a deer on the way to rehearsal dinner. Some of you may remember that Grant and I have a problem with skidding through herds of deer in Montana (totalling a vehicle), hitting dear in Eastern Washington and even catapulting a deer on the way back from Anacortes, WA (totalling another vehicle!). After that, I was on high alert and followed any car, going any speed, as long as they had a bull bar. My poor girlfriend, Michelle, who was with me, just rolled her eyes. Saturday we went out to a Eaton's Dude Ranch (oldest in the States), for a "FUN RUN" that by description didn't sound like fun. Michelle got out of running because we were late. Apparently, when getting directions you have to ask what the definition of a "T" in the road is because, Hand to GOD, that was a "Y". Also, the term, "where the road ends" can mean when it changes to a different Highway number, NOT from concrete to gravel. I had a tough time with North too because, I couldn't tell where the sun came up. The sky all looked the same. No mountains or water for reference - they were all mountains and no water!!! Next time, I am buying the GPS and renting a car with a BULL BAR! We then "ran" back to get ready and out for the wedding. This unfortunately is when I had my episode (bowel). I got through the wedding which was in the woods (but luckily facilities were near by), but I was driven home, tucked into bed and left to rest until I got it together before the reception. I didn't miss anything, just realized that I probably did too much and my colon can't do all that. Imagine me being me and draggin my colon along - quite a picture right? The reception was in barn - cleanest barn I had ever seen - with the "Dawg" house next door with the Nebraska/Wyoming game on. We lit sky lanterns into the sky (during a burn ban) and everyone was asking me if this was legal. I was like, "Yes, but if it isn't, we are doing it anyway, so ENJOY!" The band was all country, and I am surprised at how many of the songs I knew! We ended the night helping Otis, yep, the dog, get home and spent the morning with Lisa's family for breakfast. Wow, they can make breakfast! I stuffed my bag full of all the boy treasures of Cowboy Country - Pop Pistols, real cowboy rope, and a real dude ranch horse shoe and back to Billings we went. They put my bag through the x-ray machine - can you imagine what that looked like???? Guns, rope and a big metal dirty horse shoe. No wonder it went through twice! I am surprised I didn't have to open it. Like Michelle says, "I don't feel any safer with them." When I got home, the boys asked if they were now real cowboys now and I say, "For sure! You got the rope!" I have been roped, lassoed, and tied. I had a very nice evening and then it started to sink in......emails were returned and I learned that Hank spoke with Grant on Friday night (who decided not to tell me until this morning - good man), that my lung surgeon says surgery is not the best option because the my spots are so small. Now, we are onto radiation oncology for cyperknife...and again, I am one step closer to chemo. I cried because I don't want to be one step closer to chemo and I think back to the weekend where I was making plans to go back to Wyoming with my boys for camping, fishing, dude ranching, and ATV fun not ever believing that I would not be there. It is nice to think that way sometimes....if only for a moment. Love, Ang

Good news is that

2011-09-21T16:07:00.000-07:00

I found my dill weed. Bad news is that I didn't get a clean scan. I have three small spots in my left lung that are not showing up on the PET scan, but are showing up on the CT which is a bit mysterious. I meet with my oncolgist next Thursday to discuss options. My cancer is back. I got six weeks off. More when I know it. I am numb. Love, Ang

Scan tomorrow

2011-09-19T17:02:00.000-07:00

Nothing is "wrong", but this is my final clearance scan. I was supposed to do it right after my last treatment, but that was August and, remember, I took August off. So, when I called on August 30th to schedule, I could not get in until tomorrow, the 20th. Clearly, I have hit the "B" priority list. Sometimes that is a GOOD thing. Here is the problem.....you think you are handling everything so well, you are confident that you will have a clean scan, you have it all together, you are back and, then, like in my case, you can't find the dried dill weed that you JUST bought at the grocery store and you loose it. My cousin's son is dead, my chemo friend is BACK in chemo, I have another friend that is having major issues right now, and then, I have a scan and will I, once again, be a suck on the side of the earth? Yeah...I was a hot mess. Poor Grant didn't see it coming and I think really thought it was about dill weed. My evening ended reading to Nolan in bed and falling asleep with him. Man that kid moves a lot! I am better today, probably because I had no sleep and I haven't eaten a carb all day for prep, so I don't have the energy to be a hot mess. I will be okay either way - I am just scared. It is like PTSD....and it stinks! Love, Ang

I just got home from the second of

2011-09-16T15:56:00.000-07:00

three funerals that my cousin and her family have to attend. She and I are cousins by marriage, so we have no blood relation, but we have known each other for something like 28 years. We were born days from one another and both are Geminis. We have a lot in common, and as with my blood relation girl cousin, she is stunning, perfectly thin, and I pale in both of their shadows. (I come from good stock, but my Dad screwed me up!) But, like both of these cousins, they are some of my greatest fans, and love me genuinely. I was at my Aunt's house for canning peaches and pears last weekend. I got there on Friday and that is when they found my cousin's eldest son. He had died under a tree as a result of a motorcycle accident. 22 years old. Navy Man. I comforted my Aunt and Uncle. I offered my help, but really all I could do is can peaches - they weren't getting any greener and my Aunt was busy. So, I did. They went to her side. I didn't feel it was appropriate for me to go so soon. I took care of the dog, made my Uncle a sandwich, and I didn't cry. I was busy....and numb. Young, healthy, just coming into his own, and poof, he is gone. I really didn't cry until I came home and saw Grant. A horrible accident. One could blame the bike, one could blame the road, but really there is nothing to blame. It is just a horrible accident and, unfortunately, the horrible accident happen to him. I saw her at the service at Mt. Tahoma National Cemetery. I didn't feel like I should interrupt her - there was so much family. So, I didn't and it wasn't until she was in the car to leave that she glanced up and saw me. She pointed directly to me and said, "You. I want to see you." She asked that I attend the gathering afterward, and, of course, I said, "If you want me there, I will." "I do." "Okay." I love her. I really do. I know that I am only the step, but we are family. At the reception, we shared words that only moms and family can share. We cried and we laughed and I was so proud of the strength and the grace that she had for all this. I pray for her to get through this, but how do you do that? How? So, as I came home with one of the bouquets because they didn't have enough space in the family's car, I initially wanted to give them to someone...anyone....but when I tried, I couldn't and for a brief moment, I felt peace. He was still here, in the flowers, in the air, comforting his Mom, Dad, and Sister. Keep the flowers and smile....... Love, Ang P.S. For those of my sick friends (which accounts for most of them), yes, my house is sparkling clean, I have canned pears, pickles, dilly beans, and called family friends for the recipes and how the canned the soup they brought me when I was sick. IT IS HOW I MOURN!!!! Logical? No. Productive? EXTREMELY!

Labor Day Weekend

2011-09-06T15:20:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, I ate a peach and the juice smooshed out the sides of my mouth, I cuddled with the kids in the morning with, of course, the smell behind the ears, I got bruised by my son, I ate three meals without substituting one with liquid shake, I ran through the sprinkler, I cleaned up the garage, I visited with neighbors, and I painted the mail kiosk in our neighborhood. As my neighbor says, "A healthy Angie is a busy Angie." It was Labor Day Weekend after all! Love, Ang

The transition has been okay for me

2011-08-23T16:52:00.000-07:00

but it is interesting. I am, finally, for the first time, seeing it from other people's point of view. Example one, Grant does not want to leave me or me and the kids alone. WEIRD. This was not part of our relationship and now I realize that I have "commanded" that he go away to escape me. Apparently, if I do not "command" it, he feels guiltly. This was NOT that way before cancer. Second, the vacuum cleaner seems lighter every time I use it. Third, I am not winded every time I go up the stairs. Forth, apparently, I cannot travel by car, plane, etc. by myself, or at night with or without children. It is weird also. I don't mind being babied when I feel sick. In fact, I wanted my Mommy back when she was in Las Vegas and not able to take care of me, but when I am not in treatment, I am like, "What is the big deal?" Clearly, I have made the transition to remission faster than others. Yes, I know that I can't do anything to aggrivate my heart for six months. Yes, I know that I am still considered fragile because of my immune system and the beating I took for the last 13 months. But I feel great and yes, I still have issues, but if I manage it I am fine (most of the time). It did catch up with me - staying up late, watching movies with friends, parties (at home shopping parties), life, but I am doing well, but I do know that I have changed. My memory is not what it used to be. My passport expired and I didn't know it. It prevented me from going on a very important trip. I have a contractor do some work for me that, get this, was already done. Clearly, I am not all there. My boss still thinks I am amazing and I don't know how much longer I can trick her. I am working for Grant now, and I am now concerned that my work is subpar, but I am alive and I will get better. I will travel by car BY MYSELF someday. Heck, Mom and I were talking about how Nolan is going into kindergarten next year and how I didn't know if I was going to make it to his first birthday. I guess I just took my vacation VERY seriously - the color is back in my lips, the pink is coming back to my cheeks. I know that the end of my vacation is coming, but I am not focusing on that. In fact, I am ignoring it. This is my time, with my boys, with my guy, and becoming conscious again of how really good I have it. Happy Tuesday, Ang

I haven't even thought about it.....

2011-08-12T08:05:00.000-07:00

and then Grant and I were talking the other day and I said, "I have prepared all our meals for a week." and Grant replied, "How does that feel?". I opened my mouth to respond, but no words came out. I had so much to say.....happy, useful, content.......so I closed my mouth and my eyes filled with tears. Grant took my hand and with the boys playing in the back yard and the evening sun coming through the windows, we sat there, holding hands, thankful for the moment, letting the tears slowly melt away. Happy Friday, Ang

Yep, that is right I am DONE!

2011-07-30T19:35:00.001-07:00

The last round was a bit hard because mentally I was done SOOOOOO long ago, but I got through it. Hank said, "Have a great month off." The nurses and pharmacy gave me a card and sparkling cider....it was really sweet, but the real hero in all of this was the nurse that got me through the last 90 mins of treatment. Some people have told me that I am the toughest broad they have ever met. They never met Jen. Simply put, she is one of my heroes. The recovery has been weird. It is like I am being fired from a job I didn't want. I am exhausted emotionally and physically, but my brain is thinking of all the things I get to do now, but my body is saying, "Not yet. Not YET. ARE YOU LISTENING!?!?!?!?" I should do more yoga. Anyway, I am on my way to having a great August, but here is the story that I promised.....Nolan and the Chef Basket.... Okay, so we don't do commercials. We Tivo (DVR) or we have DVDs and most of what we Tivo is on PBS which doesn't have "commercials". However, there is this ONE show that my boys love. It is the Magic School Bus which is on a channel with traditional commercials. So, one day, Nolan calls to me while they are watching and says, "Mommy! Mommy! You have do see this!" So, I go into the living room, Nolan rewinds the program and starts telling me about the "Amazing Chef Basket" and how we don't need pot holders, we can put it in a small drawer, we can replace three or four "bulky" kitchen items and can do the job of several things.....deep fryer, colander, strainer, etc. "From pot to plate!" he exclaims only to be followed with the Amazing Chef Knife that can cut through nails..........the kid was a walking infomercial. "Can we get one????" he pleads. I said, "Nolan, I don't like buying things off the TV, so I will look and I will try and get a better price, etc." "Okay!" he says gleefully. For three weeks he comes to me and asks, "Do we have a Chef Basket yet?" I say no, but I am looking. We look on the Internet together and I am am just REALLY HOPING THIS WILL PASS. So, one day Mason, Nolan, and I go to Walmart. Now, I go to Walmart about twice a year, not because I hate them or they are evil, they are just not convenient for me and I always seem to be there with the screaming children and the guy that is saying, "Yeah, I got it (tattoo) when I was drunk and it even hurt then...." So, I don't look for opportunities for my kids to go to Walmart. I did it on Black Friday one year at 5:00am and that took way more years off my life than cancer. Anyhoo, we enter Walmart, get the few items that I need, pass the guy with the tattoo, and are JUST about at the check out and this blood curdling scream comes from one of my children, "MOMMY!!!!!" Everyone stops, including tattoo guy, and looks at my youngest. Nolan, with pure excitement and elation screams, "THEY HAVE CHEF BASKETS!" The lady behind me says, "I think you'd be gettin' a Chef Basket today." "Yep, I reckon I will be." I reply. When in Rome..... So, we buy the Chef Basket and in truth the thing is a piece of CRAP. It doesn't hold the pasta like the commercial, it is NOT pot to plate, it barley stands up as a colander, and I paid the highest price I had seen (S&H not included). But ever time it fails, Nolan pulls out the instruction which he cannot read, points to the pictures, and tells me that I am doing it wrong. "Okay, Sharon. I am dumber than the 'As Seen On TV' product!!" WHATEVER. The battle continues, I am sure he will ultimately win and I will have a useless Chef Basket in my cupboard WITH MY COLANDER, STRAINER, AND DEEP FRYER. Love, Ang :)

Dazed and confused and thankful

2011-07-22T21:56:00.000-07:00

Okay, well, it has been a long time since my last post. There are reasons, but not good ones. Part of me was busy. Part of me was done already. Part of me was struggling with how hard the last round was and it was/is a mental game to think about going back on Tuesday......BUT........then I remember how I will be done. DONE. Every week will be a "good" week. I will cook again, I will be able to track and read books again, I will not schedule illness, pack up my boys every other week, I will be able to teach my organizational course that I was asked to do last fall this fall. That is where the dazed part comes in....it is really happening.....my oncologist granted my request of August off - meaning NO APPTS THROUGH LABOR DAY. No appointments. I have never, in all the four plus years of this madness, been granted no appointments for a month. One more. Tuesday. Unhook Thursday. One more. So, here is the update. Chemo last time SUCKED. My numbers went up and my oncologist hit me as hard. He plays hard ball EVERY TIME, NO EXCEPTIONS. I knew when I saw my numbers. But let's not dwell on that. Let's talk about this week. It was really good. In fact, I just got home from a 40th birthday party. I laughed so hard I cried. The stories were awesome, the people genuine, the food amazing and I could even drink the wine. I think that is was jolted me into writing tonight. Here comes the confused part....we were a normal family today. We had no doctors appointment today. I mended, ironed, and chatted with the neighbors. I went to the store for spray paint, of course, and they were out of my color, but I had the energy to go to another store. I picked up the kids from daycare, fed them (meal delivered, so I can't take credit for that), bathed them, got ready, got the babysitter settled (Grant is on a golf overnight and, get this, I had to make him go. He was like, "I don't want to abandon you on such short notice." I looked at him and said, "Abandon? Is that what you call the last four years???"), went to the party, came home, paid the baby sitter, got ready for bed and, then, turned on the computer. And now thankful......I am thankful for everything - meals, my house, housecleaning, my family, the party tonight, my friends, my insurance, my docs, spray paint, even billing departments and chemo. For example, tomorrow I am picking up 16 meals with the money that was donated to me for filling my freezer with meals. Holy cow! What a blessing! I am convinced that I didn't get back to normal alone, how could I?!!? But I am so thankful to be back (almost) to normal and I have a frickin' awesome life. How did I get so lucky? I don't know - but I am sure glad I drew that card instead of just the rectal cancer card!!!!! Okay, so now, off to bed....I am a single parent tomorrow, but if I have time I will blog and the title will be, "Nolan and his Chef Basket". Never thought I would put those words together! Nighty night. Love, Ang

Three things......

2011-07-02T06:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder how parents can sometimes be complete screw ups and still have a Big 5 kid??? Example: The day before the last day of school Mason there was a "Fun Run". Our neighborhood is one big loop, so they take the entire school and run around it. It is 1.3 miles. Now, I have NEVER, repeat NEVER, seem Mason hit full stride. The best way to explain it is that he kinda dances and prances around the soccer field and the T-ball field. Having grown up with sports (and been a track girl), frankly, it makes me nuts. I mentioned it to my Dad once and he said, "Yeah, but I saw him hit his stride once and he has a good one." I looked at Dad like he was crazy. Anyway, I prepped Mason - T-shirt, shorts, running shoes, sunscreen and extra fluids that morning. I didn't say anything but there is a run at school today - have fun! When I picked him up, I asked him about it and he told me, and I quote, "Mommy, I beat all the fifth graders, fourth graders, third graders, second graders, first graders and ALL the kindergartners. I think I was 10th in the whole school." In my head, I was like, "That is impossible" but I pulled it together and said, "Really, are you sure???" "Yep!" he replied and I said, "Okay, then you will have to tell Daddy when he gets home." And he did - in the exact same way he told me. Grant's response, "Mason, fibbing is not a good idea." "But, Dad, I did it!" Mason exclaimed and I shot Grant a look. Then we dropped it both sure that Mason was exaggerating. The next day, I got a call from school about last minute volunteer rap up and Chris said to me, "Did Mason tell you about his run yesterday?" I laughed and said, "Yeah, he said, something about beating a bunch of kids." Chris replied with, "Ang, he DID." He was seventh in the entire school." Now Chris has my complete attention. "Who beat him Chris?" "Well, lets see, some sixth graders and one teacher." My eyes close and my head falls in my hand. OMG. He was telling the truth. Chris said, "It was amazing and I think he needs to run track." NO KIDDING! I call Grant and tell him we are the worst parents in the world and all Grant can say is, "He did? Really? That is great!" I don't think he heard the "worst parent in the world part". I go to school pick up Mason. As we are leaving, kids are still saying, "Have a great summer - great run Mason!" He was like a celebrity. I got in the truck with the boys and I apologized. He said, "I told you Mom." I replied with, "I know Mason, but quite frankly, I have never seen you run fast. How was I to know?!? I am so sorry. And, by the way, how did you do it?" With a tilt of the head and his finger to his chin, "Well, I started out and then I said to myself, I have to take bigger steps. So, I did and then I just started passing everybody." Of course, why didn't I think of that? Number two - Having a terminal condition makes you think weird and it is NOT the chemo. When I returned from my colorectal appt and all was right with the world, I was pulling into the driveway and said to myself, "Well, I guess I have to clean out my (clothes) closet since I am going to be around for a while." You may think this is a normal thought, but it isn't because the premise of the thought was two fold - one, you are in treatment, so cleaning out the closet is not a big priority followed very closely by, if I die and someone will do it for me. I know, sick eh?? So, I clean it out and get rid of a fair amount of stuff including a blazer from 20 years ago that I was hanging onto because back then I was HOT. Now, total dork. Closet cleaned, clothes organized, pj bottoms that I have been looking for for 10 months found, and towels....which leads me to number three.......when Grant started the business I never expected that he would be as successful as he was in the first few years. So, I bought things in advance like sheets, towels, etc that we would need/want and it would feel like we weren't so broke. So, in cleaning out the closet I found the towels that I bought. I was supposed to give them to myself for Christmas, but I was in treatment and towels take a beating when you are in treatment because of all the washing twice of everything, so I said to myself, I will give them to myself when I am in remission. In addition, Christmas was not so dim because the business was doing well and I could distract myself with other things like blood clots in my lungs, pneumonia, you know.... But now, I said, "SCREW IT!", ripped the tags off, washed them and am thoroughly enjoying them. So, why am I telling you all this? Because they are lessons to live by....believe your little ones - they can do great things despite your obstacles, clean your closet - it makes you live now, but remember where and all the great things you have done, and USE THE FRICKIN' TOWELS!!!! Seriously, what the hell am I doing?!?!?!?! No wonder I am in therapy!!!!! Happy 4th (and Canada Day!) Love, Ang

So, I went to see my Colorectal Surgeon today....

2011-06-23T22:01:00.000-07:00

I had actually made the appointment to see him BEFORE my clean scan and I was hoping to get out of the exam, but to no avail. I was undressed from the waist down with the "drape" over me when he came in and he said, "So, what are we doing today?" and I explained that I had made the appointment before the clean scan, and I said, "So I could do without the exam, but I am thinkin' since I am here you want to see me, right?" He nods. I continue with, "All I really want to do to you is hug and kiss you, but I think that is probably inappropriate with my pants off." The nurse in the room BURST out laughing and my doc laughed and shook his head, "I agree will all that, so turn over and then you can put your pants on." He said that everything was great. I put my pants on and he came in for his hug. "I just reviewed your scan and everything looks good. What are you doing now?" he drilled. "I have three more treatments of chemo and then I am done." I replied. Then, he takes both of my arms and he says, "Not from the clutches of your doc (meaning Hank)." "No, of course, not. I have never been without seeing him every month since this started." "You know Angie, there are no guarantees. It could come back....." Okay, so clearly this is the "I don't know if I am going to see you ever again because some cancer patients don't ever come back and then...well, it is too late" speech. Remember, he was the optimistic one on the last appointment and now I am all happy and joyful and he is all, "You better come back and see me in three months or I will hunt you down like a dog." He didn't say that, but it was kinda like that. In his defense, he doesn't know me in remission. I am VERY obedient, but only to those that I need to be. Seriously, who calls and schedules there own colonoscopy three times without being reminded. Yep, me. I'll learn him. As for now, I am on cloud nine. My bum is a one way for THREE WHOLE MONTHS!!!! Number two of four chemo appointments on Monday - love, Ang

My Big 5 Kid

2011-06-18T15:20:00.000-07:00

People keep asking me, "Is it easier to go to chemo now that you know you only have three more." Answer - yes and no. Yes, having a number and date FINALLY is amazing, but no when it comes to things like the following....On Wednesday, I was scheduled to unhook from my friendly pump. I literally was green, my pee was red, and I didn't know if I was sick or tired. Mom stops by after dropping the kids and says with a sigh, "I don't know if I should tell you this, but Mason is getting an award today at 2:00." worried that I was going to feel bad for not being there. I said, "For what?" She replied, "For being, like, I don't know, a good citizen." "The Big 5?" I respond. Mom, looking a little shifty, says, "I guess." And then I got quiet. It is 8:50am. My pump will be done around noon, then I have to get unhooked, get fluids which takes 2 hours plus waiting time......I will never make it. Mom looks at me and says, "I can have Dad (my Dad) be there." I reply with, "Mom, I am just sad. He has wanted this for months. Last fall when the first "Big 5 Red Hawk Award" came out he told me about it and only one kid per class per trimester get it. We have a magnet on the fridge that has all the "Big Five" things - 1. Keep our school a safe place 2. Make responsible choices 3. Obey all reasonable requests 4. Respect yourself and other and 5. Use good manners. I am just sad." Now, keep in mind, when you are a Mom and don't know if you are going to see your kids grow up, you do things like, scrapbook like crazy, and you have goals like, "If I can just make it to Kindergarten, then his personality and how he treats people is set (things I learned while working at Childhaven) and he will be okay - no matter what happens." So, Mom in Mom's way, said, "Okay then, Dad will go!" I surrender to that and eat my breakfast that she made me. Karissa calls later and I tell her what is going on. Man, she is like balls to the walls, "Well, if we don't do fluids, we can get up there in back in time, I will drive you, stay for the ceremony, and you will be there." "What about the kids?" "Quinn likes being in charge of his sisters after school - they will be fine." Thank God he is old enough now. "Okay, I guess, let's see how it goes." I reply weakly. She arrives, I pump empty alarm goes off, we get there, and the waiting room is PACKED. I say, "Debbie, I need to not do fluids today, and I need to get out of here ASAP." She looks at me and says, "I don't think you have an option." So, I tell her about the award ceremony, Karissa goes to Rite Aid for Gatorade, and Debbie says, "Let's see what we can do." The charge nurse come out and says, "Sounds like you have an important appointment. We will advise your doc that you are drinking what appears to be a lot of Gatorade and if you need to you can come in tomorrow for fluids." I want to cry with gratitude, but I hold it together and I am out of there is 20 mins. I look like CRAP - I am serious - GREEN, PALE, NO MAKEUP, BASEBALL CAP, CLEAN BUT THREE DAY OLD CLOTHES and I show up to the school. Dad and Nolan are there. We sit together and the kids start filing in. Mason sees me immediately. He doesn't know he is getting an award, but he also knows that I am usually in hiding until I look and feel better. He knows something is up. Then, the awards are announced. "...and for a student who acts in a kind, caring, careful and cooperative way....Mason Hainsworth." I hold Karissa's hand and lean on my Dad and then....there it is my moment......Mason turns around and looks directly at me and smiles. So proud. Goal achieved for all of us. I made it - to the assembly, to kindergarten, and to this - a kind and caring kid. Now, if I wanted to leave you with a nice story, I would stop there, but in reality, I should tell you the rest. So, the next night the boys come home from Grandma's and Grandpa's and Mason is showing Daddy his award. I take it from him when he is done to put it in my office so that it doesn't get destroyed like my boys do to things and as I am going up the stairs, Mason says, "What does cooperative mean?" I cross my eyes and tell him and say, "Do you know what 'kind, caring and careful' are????" "Yes MOTHER!!!!" Just then, Nolan passes me on the stairs pushing me out of the way, and proclaims, "I am cooberadive!!!!!" I don't respond, but my eyebrow goes up because I can't ignore that. Not in my nature. I guess I still have some work to do........Love, Ang

So, when Hank called tonight.....

2011-06-08T20:36:00.000-07:00

I said, "Hankster." He said, "Angiesan - Clear." I said, "What?!?!?!? I wasn't expecting that. I was expecting, 'It is getting smaller.' " He said something like, "Well, that is what the scan said. (Like, you want to go with what you believe or the scan???) You are in complete remission." I reply with, "So, I have four more treatments on my back and I am done." He said, "Yes. Congratulations sweetie." "Thanks Hank. I will be there tomorrow and I am coming to give you a hug." "Sounds good to me." "See you tomorrow." TOMORROW AND AND 10000 more after that.........REMISSION.......Love, Ang

Sorry it has been so long....

2011-06-08T14:07:00.000-07:00

Here is the reason I have not blogged in a while - my little computer that we used to have downstairs got a virus and died - I mean DEAD died! So, because my big computer is upstairs and because I am too old/too lazy to 1 finger type on my iPod OR go up the stairs and sit on at my computer (rather than the couch), I have not blogged as much. Now, before you start a pool to buy me a computer, my Mom, because she is my Mom, has an extra little computer that she is getting updated for me and I will be, again, in business. So, let me catch you up...this could be long so get comfy.... First, from last post, I was TERRIFED that I was dieing of liver failure before my May 31st treatment. Go to treatment TERRIFIED, tell them to knock me out first, and getter done. Almost have a panic attack at the end, but I am walked out to the car by Elaine and the nurse, Elaine telling me to do yoga breathing, get home, and I am fine. In fact, it was probably one of my better treatments. Go to unhook on June 2, my birthday, and I am a little down because my birthdays lately tend to stink. So, far I have not had them many "good Junes" or good birthdays - chalking getting a chest tube yanked out of me on my 40th as one of the worst. Then, the nurses circle me, sing "Happy Birthday", and give me a card and cupcake. WOW. I have always felt amazing care at Swedish, but that literally takes the (cup)cake! Totally changed the day for me and Grant and I enjoyed the cupcake that night. Had an okay weekend. I sent Grant away for the weekend, but I didn't schedule correctly, and I had the kids by myself for one night. I was fine psychically, but I barfed up everything for dinner about being nervous if something happened by the time Auntie Donna got here. Exhausted, hungry, and defeated I saw her. Took Mason to swim lessons, had to make and "emergency" stop at McDonald to use the facilities, went to Fred Meyer, and exhausted I got home. Dinner, bed and finally I slept because now my back up was in the study on an Aerobed. Monday I had to prep for my PET/CT scan on Tuesday. Protein and fat ALL DAY. NO CARBS. NO EATING FOR 12 hours before the scan. So, I show Donna the drill of dropping off and picking up kids on Monday for Tuesday and I leave for my scan at 7:30 for an 8:15 appointment. No food for more than 12 hours which does do well for me anyway. I get to Tukwila and it says on the reading board 94 mins to Seattle via I-5. 94. OMG. I have 40 at this point. Do all you all remember traffic on Tuesday????? There was a motivational conference at Key Arena and apparently someone decided to break down in the slow lane of North I-5 at I-90. I bail off to 599, but the junction to 99 is backed up for miles, and then I take a chance, up West Marginal to West Seattle hoping that the Harbor Island bridge is clear. It isn't. At this point, there are cars EVERYWHERE. NO ONE IS MOVING. Now, normally, I would be like, whatever, but with a PET scan they pull your meds early and they are time sensitive meaning they expire and then Swedish is out the $$$. I call and tell them I am going to be late. I ask how long do I have. Well, it will expire at 8:45. It is 8:20. Stuck with no where to go. I started to shake and cry. Slowly I get to 1st Ave. I call Grant probably 47 times thinking if I can get him into the car I can have him drive me up and then park, so I can save the time. It is 8:40. The phone rings every time, but goes to VM. Grant calls as soon as I am turning into the parking lot. It is 9:00am. His help is void. Mom was trying to help me, by looking at the cameras and watching the news during the drive and just kept saying, "Just keep going." I get to the desk and there is a new girl....great.....the security guard that I know says, "Angela, want is wrong??" I tell the new girl my name and say that I need to reschedule the scan. I am defeated. She takes my name and goes in back. I exhale thinking I just wasted VERY expensive meds, my Aunt came to watch the kids during my scan and I missed it because I was stuck in traffic. I would have rather had a heart attack. That would be a MUCH better excuse for missing it. Then, little Doris from Costa Rica comes out and says, "Anye, we can DOOO et! Do no worry! Here - sign, sign, initial, initial, sign, date, date. OK - we are done!" I ask, "How is your mother doing?" She says, "She is doing okay, now go....." (Like, she is WAY better than you are - GO!) Anita sees me on the way back and says, "Aren't you supposed to be in there?" I reply with, "I got suck in traffic..." "Oh, that motivational thing..." "Yeah, I was motivating them in my car all the way here!" She laughs. I finally sit down and my tech says, "Angie, someone showed up early and your weight was close enough so we switched the draw knowing you were late. Don't worry. You are always on time. We gotcha. What I need to you know is calm down. Like really....calm down." I said, "I could kiss you right now." She said, "That is not necessary." Did she not want a kiss or did she think I was serious??? Anyhoo, scan done. During these scans, they make you drink sugar and then shoot you up with radioactive dye. Then you sit a room by yourself for one hour - no iPod, no computer, nothing. I just sleep. Then, you get to be in a tube for 40 mins with your hands over your head and do not move AT ALL. You then get a 2 min break and in the tube again for the CT. They shoot you up with more contrast which blew out on my arm the first time and back in the tube. At 11, I get out of the tube, IV disconnected, I haven't eaten anything since 7:45 last night. I feel awesome. I just want to get out of there. I go upstairs to the pharmacy, get my shots which I have to do twice a day. THANK GOD for Rx insurance because that is $4000 dollars a month. In the car and out of there. I think I need to eat, but I don't want Starbucks. ARBY'S! I so go to Arby's get my standard order, but this time WITH fries. I stick my tougue out to the place where the old man works that didn't like me eating in my car, and say after I get my order....."Hey, old man, I am going to EAT IN MY CAR WHILE I AM DRIVING! HOW Y'LIKE THEM APPLES!!!!" Got home, collapsed in bed, and took a nap while Donna helped with Nolan. Donna went and got Mason. I just laid there. Nolan napped. Then, Grant got home. He had switched cars with Donna yesterday because she brought her truck and couldn't take kids in that and he just had to park at the train station. She had some snow tires with beautiful wheels in the back canopy which I told Grant to back into a space so that it would be to "hard" to steel them at the park and ride. Well, they didn't steel the wheels, but some three punks tried to steal her catalytic converter. They where interrupted by the security guard. They didn't get it, but we had a fair amount of work to do to rig it up so that she could get home. Grant was off to Shuck's or O'Rielly's or whatever the name is now. Dinner is late. She was supposed to go home. But by that time we were pouring a martini. My liver is apparently great, so what the hell? She stayed until today. Oh, you want the results of the SCAN???? Still waiting. I know that I will be doing chemo next week regardless, so it is not like I am sitting by the phone and Hank knows I am up to see the shrink on Thursday, so he may just want me to stop by, and OMG, without an appointment. What a day. May you all have your catalytic converters. Love, Ang

What a difference a "good" week makes.

2011-05-30T18:55:00.000-07:00

So, after having chemo, eating clams (which we have established is NOT a good idea for me), and then having chemo, I was explaining so weird things that were going with me to my oncologist. He, of course, wanted to see me. I, of course, went. By the time I got there, I was CONVINCED that I was having liver failure. My oncologist listened to me, he ran blood tests and a urine analysis, he offered to postpone chemo on the 31st, etc. He showed me my blood work for the last hundred years and he taught me how to read my blood work. These things I have NEVER been interested in doing until now. And, then, in the kindest of voices he said, "We can do all of these things, but I cannot advise you to change treatment unless there is some objective evidence that there is something wrong." Translated - "You are psycho and absolutely FINE." But, I felt REALLY loved while being psycho and fine. So, I went home, talked to Grant, thought about it, and decided that I was fine physically. All the sudden, my anxiety went away, my pains went away, and I was free to enjoy the rest of my life. And, I did. This weekend was great - I did almost nothing, y'know, for me. But we worked as a family, I went to a play with my Mom and Aunt, Grant did an amazing job on the yard - it looks amazing, I cleaned a little bit, I took the boys to swim lessons BY MYSELF, and we even got to have a play date with some neighbors where the Moms slipped away and went shopping to the Nordstrom sale to be a personal shopper for my neighbor - a role I LOVE. I got flowers and Copper River Salmon from my boys. This really was a banner weekend. Do I want to go to chemo tomorrow? No. Can I go to chemo tomorrow and not worry about liver failure to the point that I am having a martini now? Yes. I always need to remember that this time I year is hard for me. This is when I was diagnosed, this is when I loss Bob, and, now, I lost another fighter. I only knew her through her blogs and email, but she was a true fighter. Oh well, I will NOT think of that tomorrow. Tomorrow is about rallying. Tomorrow is about fighting for my position. Tomorrow my love/hate relationship with chemo continues. Here is to having a great holiday weekend, Ang

Update

2011-05-20T16:19:00.000-07:00

Well, this last round was a little rough. It probably didn't help that I had bowel problems going into the round (like for the entire GOOD week between chemos) Turns out clams were NOT a good idea. Then this morning Grant says to me, "Are you going to be talking to your oncologist this week?" "No, why?" "Well, the last few times you have come home your complexion is dark and green and yellow." I guess I am going to call the oncologist! I am coming out and hoping to have a good weekend. I did a stupid thing on chemo this time. I actually googled "colostomy". This is NOT a good idea (even though I know half of you are now going to google it!). I just wanted to see and I should have left it alone. So, as I come down off of that visual and as the anti-depressants start to take there effect, I think I was a vandal in a previous life, because, as usual, I am looking to spray paint something...I better hurry before the sun goes away. Hangin' in, Ang

Cannon Beach

2011-05-10T10:46:00.000-07:00

So, a long time ago when we all thought I would be done with all this chemo crap, I planned a Mother's Day weekend for my family and my Mom and Dad at Cannon Beach. Cannon Beach has always been a magical place for me. I never spent too much time there, but I can tell you that right after Mason's embryo transfer Grant and I went there for three nights. Then, for Nolan's, we did the same thing and the place we stayed even gave us the same room. So, to go back on Mother's Day after everything that has happened, was, shall we say cathartic. I have to say though, you can imagine my attitude in going. I was depressed, tired, not feeling the greatest and the weather report was for rain all weekend, but Monday was supposed to be okay. The boys were ANNOYING in the car, a Prius tried to side swipe us (yes, I drive an Explorer, but I am not a tree hater!), and it was POURING RAIN when we got there. We had a house on the beach so we unpacked and got comfortable pretty fast - gas fireplace ON! Then Sunday came....60 sunny clear. Low tide was at 10:44 so that Haystack Rock was just short of PERFECT. We played with Hermit crabs, sea stars, sea slugs, and sea enemies (SP). We flew kites in the afternoon, and played with remote control cars. The kids had ice cream and I even ate clams. At the end of the day I was exhausted, had a little tiny sunburn on my forehead, and very, very, happy. It not only was the best Mother's Day of my Mom career, but probably one of the best days of my life. Monday was more of the same and as we were going home, we listened to Car Talk and music from my iPod. Yes, you guessed it! I got a new stereo in my car and we finally got the rear view mirror stuck up there again. It still shakes and rattles at 60 mph but it is technically up. When I plugged my iPod in it seemed stuck on Grant and my song. I was trying to get off of it, but it wouldn't go, so I decided to just listen to it. It is a great song. It is "See What the Day Brings" by Brad. I know. You NEVER heard of them. I hadn't either. Grant found it years ago and he didn't buy the CD for that song. When we got home, I went to Fred Meyer and "Over the Rainbow" by IZ was playing over the intercom and finally just looked up and said, "FINE! I hear you!" I looked down smiling not sure anybody saw that. Great, now, I am talking to the ceiling! BEST MOTHER'S DAY EVER! (Shrink appointment Friday at 9!) Love, Ang

It used to be when I didn't post things were fine.

2011-05-07T03:12:00.000-07:00

Well, not really this time. I have gotten a lot of news and not so much of it was what I wanted to hear. First, I finally talked to my surgeon and he told me that he was able to take 99% of the tumor, but he had to leave he rest because he would have punctured the vagina wall. Now, he is optimistic that, with continued chemotherapy, the 1% may be taken care of, so we need to just see how it goes. If it does not, there will be no choice but a full and permanent colostomy with no possibility for reconstruction. So, while I am spinning on the continued chemotherapy and on the permanent colostomy, I am thinking how much longer do you expect me to do chemo? I asked my oncologist, "Will I ever be in remission again?" and I know he wanted to say yes, but I actually saw him catch himself and said, "It is my most sincerest wish." After all the times we thought I would be done, I am not. SPIN. During this last week when I was feeling particularly awful, I couldn't see my benefit to society. I know....just stay with me.... I know I contribute a fair amount to Swedish hospital, but I am a "crap or get off the pot" sort of gal and translated to this situation (I know - translated??? Hilarious, eh?) it is "die or get better already!" If I die, the life insurance pays off, the house and all our debt would be gone. Grant would have money for college for the boys and my job, in a way, would be done. More importantly, Grant, the boys, my family, and my friends would be free of this. The down side - I don't get to see my boys grow up which really sometimes is the only thing that gets me up. No more sunrises, no more moments, no more smelling behind their ears. And then slowly, I start to feel better. Slowly, I remember everything to be thankful for. Slowly, I remember that I want to be here. Slowly, I remember, that am I am on the right track. Slowly, I remember, that I could be in remission again - just a little longer. So, here is to lookin' for that rope that says, "CALL Psychiatrist!" The call will go in early next week. I will be okay...I always am. This is the mind game of cancer. Loves, Ang

Back in the Rabbit Hole

2011-04-24T05:18:00.000-07:00

When I was very, very little my Mom read to me the full version of Alice in Wonderland. I don't remember much of the book other than thinking to myself something like, "This is very strange and I am not sure it is age appropriate." But that was the kinda kid I was - my poor parents. What I do remember was curling up under the blanket to read it. I remember the smell of my Mom and how warm she was. So, as I curled up next to Nolan last night, he had Alice in Wonderland - the short version. He was at the rabbit hole part (no he can't read, but he is REALLY good and looking at pictures) and finally I was inspired to come back to my reality. Odd that is was from Alice in Wonderland, so grab your blanket (or coffee) this could be a long one. In my last post, I talked about being normal and enjoying my break which ended on the 18th. My break was FABULOUS. I mean F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S. My house was running like a fine tune machine, and I did too much and I got tired and when the rear view mirror of the truck fell off for the last time, the LCD stopped working on the stereo (so you have NO IDEA what you are listening to), the light went out of the tachometer (which it is very questionable on why one would use a tachometer on an automatic transmission truck), and the door to the laundry room broke (again), I was done and luckily went to Maui the next day. Grant and I slept and ate our way through the island. Maui was great - 86 and sunny EVERYDAY. We drank Mai Tai's by the pool, snorkeled with turtles, played, talked, and did very little work. We got into one fight, but that was over ice cream, so really how bad could life be? I was free of the burden of everyday life and, quite frankly, my life. My anxiety was pretty much gone. Grant had it now because of snorkeling - he gets nervous in the water. In one bay, this Nature Conservationist gave us a lecture before we went in the water about where to go, don't use sunscreen, and how VERY HARD IT WAS TO GET TO WHAT TO SEE. I was like (in my head), "Dude, SHUT UP!" and formulating my discussion with Grant silently. Grant looked at me with his "look" and I said, "The white boat isn't that far. It is a calm bay - look at it. The sunscreen we use doesn't have the ingredient that is bleaching coral. (I am married to an Environmental Engineer. I actually do proactively do this stuff.) And look out there , see the 80 year old with the noodle underneath him? He is out there, so you can too." Grant nodded, we went, and he did great. In fact, he was so fired up, he was researching sunscreen for the next four hours, he found a "turtle beach" that we went to the next day that was ROUGH and I was thinking, "And you were nervous about yesterday????" He is a complicated man sometimes. Anyhoo....I had my moments that I remembered the clock was ticking. We got through them. We got home, went to the T-ball Jamboree, visited with family, and got ready for the 18th. Monday morning went well. I drove in with Elaine and we were laughing, I got out of the car and went in the first doors, went through the second doors and stopped. Angie, who works at the front, saw me. I must have given her the Grant "look". Gently, she hugged me and I told her I was back for chemo and she said, "Okay sweetie, I will be thinking of you." Up the stairs, check in, labs, game face, nurses, waiting for the doc, doc comes in, we start discussing what we are going to do, he turns to the computer with me a little behind him and the list of my meds and pre meds pops up on the screen. It fills the entire screen. He almost merrily goes down the list, murmuring about my labs and less of this and my counts are still a little down, but okay, and then he turns to me and says, "Okay!" and then "okay......." I was silent, and the tears were streaming down my face, he is looking for the Kleenex box and I say, "I am okay. I am just mourning my break. I was a really good one." He responds, "You needed a good break." I wipe the tears away and go upstairs to treatment. Treatment went well, I had to listen to the iPod, I shook just a little, I was doing pretty well, and then they gave me a new pump. An automatic pump. I told the nurse that I wasn't sure I could do that - the change threw me, but after a call to the doc and some time with it, I put it on. It was much quieter than other auto pumps but there is no hiding this thing. Can I look any sicker? You get it with a fanny pack or shoulder strap - fabulous. I took both and in the end it was fine. What was nice was that you know EXACTLY when it is done. That is pretty cool, but at night you can hear it dispense and that is really uncool. On unhook day, I was a mess. Karissa was making me laugh, but it was hard. The nurse made me go see my oncologist and, as I sat there, I started to cry again.......my oncologist walked in and said, "How goes the fight?" I was blurted out, "My Mom thinks it is hormonal!" (I was taken off my hormone replacement after surgery because of where I put the hormones. Yeah, up there, so I have had no hormones for a month. Now, for those of you that are scared of the hormone replacement, really, step back, think about my situation, and remember it is not a very big fish. Kinda like when I was in Maui eating TONS of Ahi and thinking, "Radiation? Who cares? I glow REGULARLY!") My oncologist turns and says, "Hey, your Mom may just be right this time!" (My Mom asks him questions regularly that he shoots down in a very nice way.) So, down to the pharmacy for hormones. Karissa and I wait. The CHILD behind the counter says, "Do you come here regularly because I can't find your insurance information." Okay, remember, I JUST got done with chemo, mentally I am DOWN the rabbit hole, I want to cry AGAIN, I am feeling guilty for all the people that take care of me, and I say, "Yes, I do and you should have it." "Are you sure????" she replies. And seriously, if Karissa wasn't there I probably would have said, "OMG this is the CANCER Pharmacy???? I DON'T HAVE CANCER!!! WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?!? SORRY TO BOTHER YOU." But I didn't. She then said, "Oh....there you are....I still don't have your insurance info.....looks like we have you a discount on your last Rx." I said, "That is interesting because I came in two weeks ago for a $3,700 monthly Rx that I got for $12. That is quite a discount." I gave her the card and she got my Rx without sharing anymore. I got home, I took my pills, cried, saw Mason, cried, talked to Grant, cried...you get the picture. In fact, I cried so much that Mason wrote about it in his story at school the next day right after the sentence, "I was so excited to see my Mom and Dad." What do you think that made me do??? YOU GOT IT!!! And with a thud and a large puff of dust, I hit the bottom of the rabbit hole...making myself eat anything, crying, voices in my head of me apologizing to my Mom for having to spend her retirement taking care of my kids and her saying, "Angie, what would you do if one of the boys was sick?", looking at the rear view mirror on the floor of the passenger side of the car, not being able to close the laundry room door, and exhale......letting myself feel the bottom again and grabbing onto the memories of my break when I could taste food like the first really good piece of fruit from summer when the fruit juices spill out of your mouth, down your hand, onto ground as you jump away from it. LONG PAUSE. As I wake up out of this fog, I check myself (I know - you are like, "FINALLY!"). I realize that in my rabbit hole I have a lot of ropes coming down on me - doctors, friends, food, help calendars, prayers, breaks, and family. Up we go again...... Forever thankful love, Ang

Last Weekend

2011-04-05T09:51:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday, I looked at Grant the way that I look at my kids. You know how you can look at your kids and you know if they are hungry, tired, or sick? Well, that is what I did to Grant. He was exhausted. The guy has a bit goin' on. Let's see - he has a company with his buddy, they have the great problem of having a lot of work, he is Mason's T-ball coach, and he is the husband of a cancer patient (that is me JUST in case you didn't remember). Here is the good part about....but first, dial back a couple months with me.....past my disappointment about my margins.........past my guilt for not being strong enough to do regular chemo and doing chemo light.....past my disappointment that I am not DONE yet.....January.....blot clots in my lungs....blood thinners.....we continued were monitoring my butt and doing chemo for the last bit in my lungs. Then, the allergic reaction, chemo light, the clear lung scan but growth in my butt....pneumonia in my lungs.....pleurisy......more growth in my butt.....docs change focus from lungs to butt. Butt operated on, butt "cured". Docs lose interest in my butt, refocus to my lungs. Remember, I need two clear scans to be excused from treatment. So, while I continue to heal from my surgery which is going quite well actually, I get a break from it all AND the weird part is back in December I booked a trip to Maui for this month. I asked permission from my oncologist and he said, "I can work around that." All I have talked about is Maui with Grant. So, while my oncologist was refocusing on my lungs, I was making sure he remembered my trip with Grant WITHOUT kids and "healthy". So, a couple weeks ago we are talking and I say, "Okay, so I assume we are going back to chemo to finish up the lungs (and now it can't hurt whatever remains in my butt)." He replies, "Yes, if the transanal works, we can start chemo on the 18th, (Note: That is after I come home from Maui - well done!) if not, the 25th. I love it when he remembers my vacation schedule! I will be back on full blown chemo with the pump for two days, but my premeds will be reworked so that I don't have another allergic reaction. Also, I am not allowed to do chemo is my oncologist is out, on vacation, etc. He wants to be in the building when I am doing this because of what happened in January. When I stopped by his office after my filter removal surgery, I said, "Okay, remember, I am now on a 2+ week vacation to "heal" and I will start chemo on the 18th." He said, "But what will I do without you?!?!?! I am going to miss you." I gave him two gluten free chocolate chip cookies and said, "Here, these should help, but I gotta say, I ain't gonna miss you even though I am fond of you." (smile) Hug. BYE BYE! Okay, back to last weekend. I haven't had any procedure since Thursday the 31st of March and I am not scheduled for anything until the 18th. Because I have been off chemo, my energy is coming back. I got over a cold by MYSELF - no drugs. I have gone to PTA meetings, Kent School District Budget meetings, bookclub, etc. But last Saturday, my Grant needed me. There is a switch. So, I gave him the weekend off. I took the kids on work errands and a family event on Saturday, I took them on family errands on Sunday, I covered for Grant to nap and rest. By the end of the weekend, he felt a lot better and I felt, well, fine. I cooked a turkey (I wasn't kidding when I said I needed to clean out the freezer!). The house smelled of my cooking, the car never got cool because we were buzzing around, I started looking forward to Mason's spring break from school because we could go to the zoo and the Pacific Science Center and I wasn't scared to do it by MYSELF. No anti anxiety pills. No worries. No, well, complicating factors that a terminal illness brings. At the end of the weekend, I asked Grant how he felt and he said, "Guilty." I kissed his head and replied, "I don't want you to feel guilty. I want you to feel better. Just think - this is what it is like for normal folks." Realizing, we both have NO idea what the term 'normal folks' means anymore, we kinda went, "Uh." So, am I past my disappointment of my margins? Yes and you want to know why? Because I got last weekend, I have this week with my boys, I got pajama day today, and I get Maui with Grant. Translation - I got NOW. The 18th will come soon enough, so for the next little while I am going to try and take a break from my condition. T-ball has started, Grant and I are going to Maui for four nights, etc. The freezer is getting cleaned out, and I am packing it back up with easy things during my next go around. Life normal - as long as I can have it. Until the 18th then........Love, Ang

News.....good and bad

2011-03-30T06:37:00.000-07:00

I have been healing nicely. I am home with the kids, going to PTA meetings, Kent School district budget meetings, working a little, and sleeping HARD at night. Yes, I am probably doing more than I should, but I am staying in my restrictions and to do less would just not be me. Last night, I got the call on my pathology of my tumor. All margins were great except one. My oncologist had already called the surgeon to see what he thought. The good news is that the surgeon is optimistic that this will not be a problem but that we should watch it "just on case". The leash/noose around my neck just got a little tighter. Will I ever be DONE with this? So, it is medium news. Am I happy? Not really. Clearly, I wanted different news. I am also a little wary of these things. My tumor was not supposed to come back after the first round of chemo and radiation. It did. We thought we got it all out of my lungs after bilateral lung surgery, but it came back. And now I am supposed hope that this doesn't turn into something. You have to excuse my doubt, but there are only so many times you can be optimistic and be shot down. I did clarify what would happen if it does come back. If it does, I will have a colostomy. It is possible that it would be temporary and that the area could be reconstructed. Pause....what a frickin' process....sigh....breathe. But all that is for another day. "Keep your eye on the prize, Ang" I tell myself as I crawl into bed with Nolan just to watch him sleep. "Keep your eye on the prize." To see Nolan's next birthday, hell to see his 16th birthday! As my first colorectal surgeon said, "Ang, you will not die from this in you bum. We can fix that. It will be, and our focus has to be on, your lungs." Refocus. Readjust. Feel the leash that I doubt (at least for today) I will never shake and keep going. Big breath. Tomorrow they take the filter the put in my vein for surgery out. Minor surgery, but still surgery. I asked if we should just keep it in and the response was a long list of reasons but the one I liked was, "in some cases it can dislodge and go straight to you heart and kill you...". Okay - see you Thursday then! Why didn't they start with that one???? I will be okay. Thank you for all the calls, emails, thoughts, and prayers. If I did not get back to you, it wasn't because I didn't want to. Thank you. Oh, they are up gotta go! Love, Ang

No complications....

2011-03-23T13:12:00.000-07:00

We were in the 80%. Pathology comes in five days. Really loopy. Love, Ang

Thank you and I am so grateful for you....

2011-03-22T10:00:00.000-07:00

This post is to say thank you for all the emails, phone calls, text messages, posts, etc. Many of you want to know how you can help and, well, the best thing right now is to pray, cross your fingers, do whatever you personally do, tomorrow at 11:30. I am praying that all goes well and that my surgeon is able to perform the surgery without complication. Many people have asked about the help calendar. This is always a little difficult for you because I feel that I have received so much for all of you - but if I don't respond, some of you will hunt me down and make me. Yeah, you know who you are!!!! I have decided to take a break from the food calendar until after April 15th as I am off of chemo and can do more cooking. Plus, I think there are some mystery things in my freezer we need to eat anyway. If you would like to sign up for the new food calendar, please let Sarah know. She can be reached at sarah_09@comcast.net. The kids are taken care of by my folks during this surgery, so they are covered. Lastly, Sarah mentioned to me that she would like to put together some Dinner's Ready meals for me. Dinner's Ready is a meal program where they put together meals and deliver them to your house for your freezer. I have used them in the past and they have also been gifted to me. They are tremendously convenient and well received. If you would like to contribute to that, contact Sarah. (I have a really tough time asking for this because money is involved, but I have been assured that people have previously mentioned this and I should just put a cork in it.) As for that, I am doing very well. Insurance is pre authorized, paperwork filled out, prep started, PTA meeting over, and the boys packed. It is sweet how they pack up, choose their PJs, and just get ready like this is NO BIG DEAL. I am very lucky and, tremendously thankful, for all of you. Love, Ang

My vacation from myself

2011-03-21T06:42:00.000-07:00

This is the morning after my scrapbooking weekend. I had a wonderful time. I didn't get as much done as I wanted, but I did take time to go for walks, talk so much I have almost lost my voice, hot tub, etc. How this came about was, a friend (Bethany, who has said she never wanted to be on my blog - hehe) asked me to go on her scrapbook weekend with her group. In the scrapbooking world, this makes me a guest - not a regular. I knew only one other person and, while I have always admired and liked her, my connection with her is with Bethany. In all actuality, I really did not know if I was going to make this trip. Between surgery, chemo, and everything else that goes with the cancer roller coaster, I RSVPed a very firm MAYBE. But alas, I was able to go. On Thursday morning, I remember looking at the mountains from my car saying, "I am going THERE." Eastern Washington has always been a source of relaxation, family, and growth for me. I grew up camping and fishing there. My Aunt's cabin is there. We have extended family there and we also have connections that are as closer than family. In addition, I went to Gonzaga University in Spokane which really sealed the deal for me. When Bethany picked me up on Friday, I literally exhaled when I got in the car. We were on our way, then we then jumped into another car, and took off for the "other side". The weather got better and the passes were clear. We rolled into town, got some lunch, and checked into the bed and breakfast. It was on the hillside, with a view of the valley. The accommodations were very comfortable and the set up was great. Each person had there own six foot table which is lots of room to spread out with a view outside. The food was AMAZING. All our meals were included and I could eat it all, yeah!! While working, we chatted about girl stuff, getting kids into schools of their choice, coming of age, following our dreams in the next chapter of life, and asking advice from other women that worked in those fields. Only a few of the women knew I had cancer. The three I rode over with let me comment on it. They responded, they didn't shy away from it, but they (and this is the important part) did not dwell on it. There was no TV and I don't have a smart phone, so no Internet. I stayed up until midnight both nights - INCONCEIVABLE FOR ME. I disconnect so much from my day to day life, I almost forgot to give myself my shots. On Sunday, I packed up and my Dad came to get me. We then went to a 85th birthday party of one of our "family" at 1:00. We took the back roads, so I saw new little towns I had never seen before. I saw people at the party that I hadn't seen in over five years. It was really touching and special to spend time with them. Then, back in the car and back on I-90 where I saw for the first time the wind generators near Vantage. It was raining and foggy. They loomed in the distance, but they were, dare I say, beautiful. So, big and graceful. I was in awe just from their size. It was amazing. I got home in time to meet the boys at a hockey game for the last period and overtime. Home, quick bath, and then to bed. Grant asked me about the weekend and I told him how much fun it was, how much I disconnected, and how I would go back if an opening comes up again. And then it happened.......as I was getting ready for bed, it seemed like the weight of my cancer/life was starting to rest on my shoulders, go down my spine, into my legs. The weight was back and what is funny is that I have never felt it so physically before this moment. The preop paperwork I had to fill out, the nurse I have to call on Monday, when do I stop my blood thinners?, the ads and coupons in the Sunday paper, the COBRA insurance payment I have to make, Mason's Teacher Conference, picking up Grace so that she can babysit during the conference, getting the frig ready for when I go to surgery, dinner - oh, Thank God, dinner is coming tomorrow...the list goes on. I didn't sleep well waking up every two hours with something else to remember to do. LIFE. CANCER. LIFE. Some may ask, "Was it worth it to leave?" Oh yes, because now I know what I could feel like when I beat this for good. So, for now back to bed to cuddle with the boys before we start the day, smell behind their ears and kiss them a million times. I will get to all of it. Just one thing at a time. Surgery is Wednesday at 11:30 and, if all goes well, I will be home by 6:00pm. Love, Ang

Set in motion....

2011-03-16T08:41:00.000-07:00

I apologize for not posting until now. This has been a VERY long three days and I have been emotionally exhausted for a lot of it. So, here is the update...on Sunday night, I emailed my oncologist and told him that Grant and I decided to go for it, do the surgery trananally, and focus on the 80% with no complications. I received an almost immediate positive response with an "!" in it. He NEVER does that. I take it as a good sign. :) Monday morning, I left a message for my surgeon with the scheduler and said, "I am so sorry that you have to take these kind of messages, but make sure you underline and emphasize the 80% part, kay?" "Absolutely, Angie." Monday, midday, I received a call back to tell me that my surgery is going to be the 23rd of March. I was like, "Okay, he said "soon". Is that soon?" Apparently, it is. She gave me all my instructions over the phone....packet to be sent....filter to be place....no food or water day of. "Okay?" "Okay." Here we go again with "okay". Funny thing...I still had an appointment set for chemo, so I decided to cancel the chemo part, but keep my appointment with my oncologist realizing that I have not really gone through all the tests result from the last week. Tuesday, I show up at 8:27 for an 8:20 appointment. No blood work is ordered and I go and sit down. I am called back at 9:50. Clearly, it is not a good day for them already. I sit down with my oncologist and we go through all the tests....CT scan shows no cancer, but my spleen and liver are showing mild stress...onto the liver ultrasound....liver is sluggish, but everything is going in the right direction....spleen is backing up because of sluggish liver. Why? Because of chemo. Can I do anything to make it better? Nope. Will it ever get better? Probably not. This is the down side of prolonged chemotherapy. Will this ever be a problem? Don't know. Well, this is just a ray of sunshine. Let's switch subjects! Onto the the PET scan....spot locations are still there in my lungs, but they are not glowing with cancer, so after I have my butt operation and healing from it, I will be back in chemo. No light chemo anymore. That is off the table since my butt tumor started growing again. I am not sure for how long, but if the past is any indicator at LEAST four treatments. So, the bad news is I will be hitting a YEAR of treatment - my longest yet without being in remission. The good news is for some strange unexplainable reason, my surgery was scheduled after a weekend away with my girlfriend for scrapbooking (this weekend), and before, but at the end of my healing process on my butt, Maui. Maui will be the first trip Grant and I are going ALONE on for more than two nights for non-medical reasons while I am feeling WELL since Mason was born - YES MASON, not Nolan. There are a couple other things coming up too and with careful planning I may just get all those of GOOD weekends. So, I will focus on the 80%, keep all my plans in place for now, and keep on movin'. Thank you for all your prayers and thoughts - they make a difference! Love, Ang

Okay, this is too hilarious!!!

2011-03-15T14:00:00.000-07:00

This was given to me by Lisa - my talented poet for colorectal cancer and now photoshop expert! BRAVA!!!!

What a difference a day makes....

2011-03-12T16:49:00.000-08:00

So, with glee in my heart I call my colorectal surgeon on Friday morning to see when I could get an appointment. 11:00? Okay! I was in Gig Harbor dropping off my taxes, but heck I could make it. So, off Grant and I went. I dropped him at work and up the hill to what I thought was going to be easy as pie. When will I learn. I was so happy about the lungs, and we were monitoring my butt so closely I never thought I would be faced with the following. It went something like this...."Angie, the tumor is growing and it is to the size that I may not be able to take it out like we discussed (through my anus) and get the margins I need. There is also a chance that in getting the margins I could poke a hole in your vagina and with all the radiation damage it may have trouble healing and they we would possibly have vagina leakage of stool." Really? He actually said, "vaginal leakage". And all I could think is, "I missed the window, I screwed this up with all my chemo fainting, and panic attacks." The tears fill up in my eyes and he looks for the Kleenex. There is none. The box is empty - so is my heart, my energy is gone, and I am done. What a difference a day makes. He says, "Angie, there is no right answer, but you have a choice to make. A full colostomy or we take the chance and see what happens. In any case, it needs to happen soon." "Okay." I reply defeated and looking down at the floor. "You know, I am not afraid of a colostomy, I just thought.....y'know, what you said to me a few months ago...." "I know....It was that way.....It is just that it is growing too fast...." "Okay, so you will talk to Hank?" "Yep and then I will call you." "Okay." I get dressed, check my face and my hair, and start to leave the office. I take a deep breath and he says on the way out, "I may not get to you until 6 of so tonight." Exhale and under my breath I said, "No, we are going to wrap this up by 3 if I have anything to say about it." I leave out the side exit, cross the street, up to Hank's office, see Anthony the Security Guard and, as I am blowing by, I say, "Anthony, what is wrong with this picture?" and quick as can be he says, "Angela, you ain't supposed to be here. You were supposed to take Friday off." "That is right, Anthony, you don't miss a thing do you?" "No, Angela, not with you." "Good man Anthony." Up the stairs, blow past check in, and straight back. I wait and chat with the nurse until Hank comes out of a room and I say, "YOU." with the eye to eye signal. "I just saw him and he needs to talk to you. And, I want to get this wrapped up. It is not good news and I just want it over." I know, I have some nerve to talk to him that way. My Mother did teach me right, but, y'know, sometimes a girl has just had it. He says, "Well, what did he say?" I told him and he said, "Okay, I will call and then I will call you." "Okay." "Okay." I turn to leave and he says, "Wait, come here." Hug, exhale. Wiping the tears away before I turn to go, I leave the office. It is quiet and I know they are all heavy with my dilemma. I just had to get out of there - too much sympathy and I will LOOSE IT. I get to the garage and my car and I am okay. Crap, I need gas. So, I go my Costco and my surgeon calls, "Angie, I talked to Hank." 1:15 - nice. "And?" "Well, he asked me odds and the odds are that there is a 20% chance that something will go wrong if we take it transanally (I know - NICE WORD)." So, that leaves 80% chance that it goes well. "So, what now?" "Well, I think he wants you to take the risk, but you have to make this decision. So, whatever you and he decide, you let me know and I will set it all in motion for next week." "Thank you - you know - for everything." "Okay you, try and enjoy your weekend." I am starving and I there is an Arby's (my dirty little secret) so, I get a small sandwich, tons of Arby's Sauce, and a Jamocha shake. I decide NOT to go into the restaurant just in case someone calls and I get to say, "vaginal leakage" and "colostomy" out loud on a cell phone. Pretty image, isn't it? So, I am parked in a sawdust supply place and I am happily eating my very saucy (sp) sandwich and this old man is carrying his lunch box and going into the building. He looks at me, frowns, and calls back to his other old man buddy and says something to the effect of, "Young people these days eating in their cars. It is disgusting." Little did he know he was inches from meeting Jesus himself. I felt like saying, "My window is DOWN old man and I can hear you even if you can't hear me - V-A-G-I-N-A-L L-E-A-K-A-G-E!!!!!!" But I didn't because my Mom did raise me better than that and in an odd way it reminded my of my Grandpa that I loved. He hated eating in the car. "You should stop and eat in a restaurant with REAL food, not this McDonald's business." So, I just smiled at him with sauce on my lip and sucked on my shake. 2:20 - Hank calls - right on time. He runs through the conversation that he had with my surgeon and ultimately says, "Now, I have to tell you, I am bias in this. I know I shouldn't be, but I am because I don't want a colostomy for you. So, you know my choice, but you need to make it not me." I respond with, "Well, I think I need to focus on the 80% chance of everything being just fine. I need the weekend and I need to talk to Grant about this, but I believe I will probably take the chance." "Okay." "Okay." I AM SICK OF SAYING "OKAY". Well, off to the rest of my day, cancer discussion wrapped up by 3 - right on time, check. I will think about this tomorrow. Love, Ang or Scarlet - because I pretty much acted like her ALL day. :)

Could this be true?????

2011-03-10T21:45:00.000-08:00

So, I literally JUST got word about my PET scan and the reason I am up is because I have a family friend hanging in the balance of whether I see her tomorrow. She is visiting my Grandma for lunch and would like me to come to help so that we can get Grandma out of the center and, I know, to see me. We have fun together. She is a hoot. What a sport - I don't know how people put up with me, but then I have to put up with me.....anyway......I digress.......So, here is the news. The area in my bum, according to the scan seems to be bigger (bad), so I have to get into my colon rectal surgeon to have him "look" at it. GOOD TIMES. If it is, we need to take it out. I still have blood clots, but apparently they are "better". That means that they can now use a filter, or something like that, so we can do the surgery anyway. O-K-A-Y. Don't really get it, but don't really care - I am operable. But here is the news that we, my oncologist and I, were both like, "WOW, could this be real???" The scan report said that my left lung is clear. CLEAR. With tears INSTANTLY running down my face I said, "How can that be?" He said, "I am going to review this with the other docs and verify it, but yes, this very well could be true. This is good news." DAMN STRAIGHT it is good news. I am not so far gone not to know when I hear really really GOOD news, but I am baffled. How did the lungs disappear so fast from January when it was so frickin' persistent?!?!?! God, I so want this to be true. If it is true, I could be in day surgery next week and cancer free by Friday. This is quite the turn around from the beginning of this week and, "Oh, we need to check your liver...Oh, we need a PET now.....Liver is sluggish, but nothing bad will probably correct itself after you are done with chemo....me thinking, "Whenever that happens!".......PET/CT folks - "Hey, you are back!....Is that good?"....How are you??...Sick of scans and fasting....I am taking Friday off........or am I? Tomorrow (Friday) I call the colon rectal surgeon, if he can see me, I go. If not, I wait till next week. My oncologist will verify the scan and tell me on Tuesday before chemo and so the story goes - unpredictable, crazy, hopeful, scary. I wonder what is on the ceiling?!?!?! Love, Ang

No chemo yesterday and the 80/20 rule

2011-03-09T08:13:00.000-08:00

My red and white were so down we could not do chemo. And when I asked about my scan he said - no lie - "When did you do a scan?" I replied in a defeated fashion, "Friday." He looked at me and to the ceiling (Are my results on the ceiling???) and said, "Let's look now." So, the long and short is that the blood clots are better, that my cancer continues to shrink in my lung, that we need to ultrasound my liver to check for chemo damage, and........we need to do a PET scan to really determine where we are. REALLY?!?!?!?! Did I give someone the idea that I like to drink contrast every week? Whatever! So the nurse deaccessed (sp)me and the phones started going and I left not really knowing what to think. What I do know is somebody got an earful because I got both scans scheduled in record time and, in all the messages they were like, "We will get Hank the results ASAP!" I am currently waiting for my liver scan after the first fast, PET is tomorrow. So, back up to last night, Grant and I didn't wait to waste an evening without kids and my eating restrictions were loose so we went out and as I was telling him about the events of the day. I said, "We have been fighting for eight months on three little bits of cancer. I was a death's door three and a half years ago, riddled with cancer, and it took less time. Why isn't this over?" Grant said, "The 80/20 rule.". I did not know what that was so he explained, "It takes 20% of effort to do the first 80% and 80% of effort to do the last 20%." pause for effect.........you can imagine my face, yes? Does he not have a filter? Then I looked at the ceiling. I will let you know when I do!!!!! Loves, Ang

Just got an email that

2011-03-07T10:03:00.001-08:00

I will be on the cancer treadmill for another month. I did not get specifics on the scan, we will go over those tomorrow before chemo. My assumption is that they blood clots are not gone and we have to continue with blood thinners and chemo light for a least another month before we can check again. I will have more news tomorrow. At least now, I can plan my life for the next three weeks. As for me, I am disappointed, but to be standing up disappointed is better then not standing up at all, if you know what I mean. I will be better later. Loves, Ang

No news yet....

2011-03-07T09:44:00.000-08:00

Nope, nothing, don't know, and I don't know what that means, so please be patient and wait with me.......waiting is the test, y'know! Loves, Ang

This past week and waiting for my scan

2011-03-04T09:41:00.000-08:00

So, I have to say from last Thursday to now I have felt great-even normal. I ran errands for the house, for CRETE, for the kids, WOW. I went for walks, played in the snow, and read at Mason's school. I went on a date with Grant. I vacuumed the whole house, not just the downstairs, but apparently, I have lost my touch because I sucked Nolan's Buzz Lightyear balloon up in the vacuum. I know I was screaming and hopping around, but I saved him - thank goodness! The anxiety set in last night about the scan that I am waiting to do right now. This scan is to see if the blood clots have dissolved. The reality is that they have not, but there is an outside chance they have. So, if they have, and my cancer it still stable, I can go to surgery and hopefully be back in remission. It would be two surgeries - one on the butt, one on my left lung, but I am up for it and even, oddly, hoping for it. If the clots are still there, I will continue on chemo light for another month and we will try again. So, here I sit drinking my contrast, waiting. I feel like I am one point behind with 2 seconds to go, drawing a foul, and at the free throw line. Problem is I can't see the basket. ....wish me luck.....please say a prayer.....cross your fingers for a little miracle today. Thank you! Loves, Ang

Finally - success!

2011-02-23T13:44:00.000-08:00

So, after meeting with the psychatrist on Friday and getting homework of relaxation CDs, updating my iPod, and basically her say, "Ang, your mind is strong - you are not losing it. We just need to stop talking about it and let you find your way. You are already on your way. So, let's NOT make another appointment, but if you need to talk you have my number." Wow, I am not crazy (maybe she needs another appointment to really determine that?!?!). Quite frankly, after some of the questions that she asked me I now know I am not the biggest freak show she has ever seen......W-O-W! Anyhoo, all of it worked and I literally SAILED through chemo. With a little more happy drug, the right timing, my iPod, and the one machine that tells me my oxygen and pulse rate, I did it. Pause. Thankful prayer. Pause. Yeah. I have next week off, but have a scan to see where we are with the blood clots. So, yeah. Again, thank you for e v e r y t h i n g, but mainly for loving me through it. Cheers, Ang

Success or Failure?

2011-02-18T07:58:00.000-08:00

First, thank you for all your posts, email, inspiring messages, etc. I really appreciate them. More than you know. As for Tuesday, well, it was a success because I did chemo and did it pretty well, however, about 20 minutes after it was done, I took the machines off and was going to to get ready to go. Then, it happened. The shaking was back. Not as intense this time, but still, there was no way of getting out of it. It lasted for about 10 mins, and then they gave me an anti shaking med (I know - that have that?) which promptly made me puke. Not a little - everything from breakfast to that moment. It was kinda funny, I said, "I am going to puke." and they started saying "Let's get you some......" and I was like, "Let's get me a bucket - NOW." and with an "Oh, OKAY!", I tossed all my cookies. My oncologist came up and talked to me. He asked me point blank, "Can you tell me if it is the meds or is this you?" I answered him straight up, "It is me." Pause of effect. Part of me died inside. My mental weakness was RIGHT THERE. Can't run from it, can't laugh it off, can't do anything but deal with it. "Okay, well, I think it is time to call a professional. Are you okay with that?" "Am I going to get out of it?" "No, probably not, cause we have to have you be able to come in here and get treatment." "Well, then, I guess I am okay with it." Okay, now I should say, I have nothing against psychiatrists. What I do not like is having ANOTHER APPOINTMENT that is focused on cancer. Not lunch with my friends, not skiing with my kids, CANCER. Yes, I am mental fried. I thought I would be DONE and in surgery in January, then I got blood clots, then I was hospitalized for an allergic reaction to a drug I have been taking for 3 and a half years, then I got pneumonia and then I got pleurisy. How would anyone feel? Defeated, tired, and generally disappointed. And, now I get to go tell SOMEBODY ELSE how I feel. Terrific. I would rather scrapbook, ski with my boys, vacuum, clean toilets, dust blinds, yep, pretty much ANYTHING other than tell somebody else how I feel. What caught me off guard more than anything was that my oncologist talked to the psychiatrist about me, not just a referral, but a conversation. That means he is concerned. So, my appointment is today. I actually feel a bit sorry for her. She has no idea what is coming, and quite frankly either do I. What I do know is that I am not afraid of chemo anymore, and I can go and shake. I will survive this portion physically and now I need to forgive my mind for letting me down and take care of it and honor it, so that I can kick this again. Perservence - that is the name of the game. As for you all, take care, enjoy the day, and know that I am getting the help I need to go on. Is this my happiest day? No. But there is always tomorrow, next week, next month. I will be okay. Love, Ang

Chemo Light Take Two

2011-02-15T11:26:00.000-08:00

Well, lots has happened since last week. The antibiotics and pain pills stopped working on my pneumonia and pleurisy, so back I went on Friday to get more. Now, I am on TWO antibiotics, but I am feeling much better. This is a slow healing process, and I have dropped out of a lot of things just because I can't get something else. Me and the four walls of the house are very familiar with each other. The weekend was filled with birthday party preparations for Nolan's fourth and Valentine's Day. I move slow but the good news is that I get to keep moving. Those were actual orders from my Doc to my Mother who wanted to strap me down in a bed when she discovered I had pleurisy. Thank God he told her - she would have never believed me! Funny things have happened along the way like when I called the on-call doc at 6am on Friday, told them I was coughing up blood, and they told me that they would have the office call when they opened. So, with my head tilted in confusion, I emailed my oncologist and told him. Within 30 seconds I got a call from him with the question, "What did they tell you?" I omitted the woman name conveniently, but I am pretty sure she won't be doing that again. Grant lost his phone in the house and we found it against all odds because it was on vibrate, after he drilled the kids on where it was, where he left it - on the floor in the pooper. I will never touch that phone again. Anyhoo.....he will LOVE that I posted that, but hey life happens. So, today I am going in for Chemo Light "Take two". Oddly, I am not scared. They had a social worker call me after the last one and it was helpful. I followed up with her this morning with a plan. I plan on having the BP cuff on today, and the oxygen measurer thingy, and oxygen. I can't breath deeply because of the pleurisy, so what the heck. This way, I can check myself and I can actually read this crap even though I have done my darnest to ignore how any of this works. I am taking anti-anxiety meds before I go and I am taking a horoscope that I cut out when I was rediagnosed last summer. It reads..."The unusual solution will work. Understanding evolves to a new level. You could be held back by self-imposed restrictions or by going over a situation in your head again and again." I plan on doing all of this for the next two sessions and then, if I am comfortable I will remove one, then another the next time, etc. I did this another time with cancer related anxiety and my kids. It worked and slowly gave me the confidence with the process again. So, here we go (again).....wish me luck. Loves, Ang

Chemo "Light" - I did it!

2011-02-09T08:19:00.000-08:00

Okay, so yesterday did my new regiment of chemo. I call it chemo "light". No pump, just a vitamin and one of my previous two chemos. Theoretically, I was supposed to be able to drive myself, but I didn't. I should have been able to take care of my kids, but my Mom took them and just told me she was (she didn't even ask - I think there is a love affair happening here...). It should have taken twenty mins, but...........here we go........after the first push, I started feeling weird. I told the nurse about it and they stopped. I told her that I thought it was in my mind, they took all my vitals and cautiously and politely agreed. My body was fine - heart rate slightly elevated, but BP and oxygen were perfect. They asked me if I had taken my anti anxiety pill and I said no, but I ask my oncologist if I could if I needed to. So, I did and we waited for a bit. They told me that I could stop, just walk away if it was too bad, but just kept looking at the oxygen and BP machines telling myself that my body is fine and I can do this knowing that, if I left, I would never come back. Apparently, my episode two weeks ago affected me more than I thought. I discussed it with the nurse and Elaine. Elaine was sweet, she said, "Now, I don't want to influence you....." and I look at her like, "Hello, I am asking you to..." and she said, "I think you need to get back on the horse again or it will be harder next time." I knew that is what I needed to do......a long time ago, I went dirt biking with my Dad for Father's Day. Yes, dirt biking with an ENGINE - not mountain biking. My Dad doesn't go that way. This was way before cell phones and I feel backward off a slate covered trail. I would say it was cliff like, but not a cliff. I cracked my helmet, knocked myself out, and smashed my elbow badly. My Dad freaked out, but I came to, and he asked me, "Can you do the rest?" I didn't want to, but it was only him and I, what were we going to do? So, I said yes and I got back on the bike and finished the trail off the mountain. When we were done, my demin shirt was soaked with blood from you elbow. My Dad said he was proud of me and that he had a friend (ex-Motocrosser) that refused to finish that very trail. I was 17 and fearless - I could do anything. I am not fearless anymore, but I thought about that and thought, if I can do that, I can do a little push of chemo. I asked to keep the machines on me and I said we need to go. So, very slowly she pushed it in. I was surprised that it went so fast, and then I started to relax.....and the shaking started. I think it was all the adrenaline that it took to get to the Cancer Center and face my fear of reenacting two weeks ago. I shook hard to the point that they gave me atavan (the happy drug). They turned on the oxygen, and let me watch the machines, and I shook. They piled blankets on me. They asked me if this happens to me and I said yes, but at night, and Grant just holds me until it stops. So, Elaine, got close and hugged me hard, until the atavan kicked in, It stopped in about 45 mins and I took a nap. I was feeling much better, but with a headache. I got home great, but 5 mins at home I puked (the one things they told me that I would not do) hard. After, I was exhausted and oddly hungry. So, I ate and napped and went to bed REALLY early. Today I am feeling SOOOOOOO much better - I think I may just be able to do this, but I am taking anti anxiety pill before I leave for the cancer center next time!!! Enjoy the sun, Ang

I wonder what life will be like when I don't

2011-02-06T15:58:00.000-08:00

wake up in the middle of the night and figure out that the pain that is been in my right lung isn't right anymore and getting worse. I wonder what it will be like to not be able to figure out that it can wait until morning, but know that when I call the oncologist on-call they will say, "Yeah, you need to come in today." I wonder what life will be like when you have to wait in the ER. I wonder what life will be like when you are not escorted immediately back, by-pass triage, and get to "go ahead" of others. I wonder what life will be like when I am not sick. Long and short.......I either have pneumonia (which they are treating me for) or part of my right lung is dying and scaring over which is apparently very painful, as experienced, and they sent me home with pain meds and antibiotics. That was how I spent most of my Superbowl Sunday - in the ER. I am grateful for living my life everyday to the fullest with friends and family and that this happened BEFORE the big game. Loves, Ang

A dialogue with my oncologist

2011-02-02T08:14:00.000-08:00

Last week my oncologist said, that I should take the rest of the week off, and we would talk about what to do next on Tuesday, Feb 1st. I translated this after knowing him a while to, "Let me think about what the heck just happened, come up with your options, and I will give you your marching orders on Feb. 1st." With this translation in my head, I made sure that he knew that we needed more options.....like low level pill form chemo.....that my body was tired and since we were just waiting to get to surgery could we do a maintenance chemo rather then a double barrel shotgun chemo? So, I arrived yesterday and I had no orders for blood work. I went back to check with his office and the nurse said, "Nope, it is just a dialogue appointment." Wha?????? I have never had a dialogue about chemo. I was even convinced that he didn't know that the "di" part of that word meant "more than one person". So, I wait for my appointment, and yes, I took an anti anxiety pill 45 mins prior to my appointment. They called me back and then it started.....wow, apparently, I shook the entire office last week. "How are you?" "You sure got our attention last week." "You scared me - don't do that again!" O-K-A-Y. I will work on that. My oncologist comes in and sits down. I say, "Okay, what is the plan Stan." His name is Hank, but like messing with him. He said, "I don't know, we are going to talk about it." Apparently, he does know what the "di" part of that word is. CRAP - I should have prepared for this and I blurt out - Zelota (pill form chemo)! He said, "We can do that, but I think that is too toxic for your system and we don't need to do something that strong." Wow - okay, what are we doing know? Going from double barrel shot gun to water pistol? He continues, "The way I see it is that we have three options and you can choose one.....1. It appears that you had an allergic reaction to one of the premeds. It is not one that I usually see an allergic reaction too, and your body naturally has the same thing as the drug, so you probably are allergic to something that they do to it in preparing it. So, option one is that we can totally rework your premeds and continue on your normal chemo. Pan across the room and that is when the tears start rolling down my face. No sobbing, no hard breathing, just multiple tears. I close my eyes and lean back. He continues, "And based on that response, I think we should go to option two." "Just give me a minute." I reply. He waits, gives me a hug, and asked when I am ready. "Okay, ready." "Number two is to do your idea, but I think that is too much for you right now." I am thinking, really, but you didn't think option 1 was too much?!?!??! BTW - love/hate relationships with oncologist are normal. "And then option 3, where you come in once a week. I see you then you go up and I only give you Folfox and Lukivorin (sp) (two of my three chemos). No 5FU (which is the pump I have on for two days). It would be about 20 minutes of chemo once a week (rather than 5 hours), and no pump for two days. You will probably not get sick, you can drive yourself, three weeks on, one week off. No premeds." "You want option 3 at this point and I agree. I can probably do it, but not without anti anxiety meds." I say. "That is fine." he replies. "Okay." defeated, but knowing that in the scheme of things I have nothing to feel bad about. I need a drink - I mean like a real drink at 11:30 in the morning. After a lot of hugs and supportive talk, I get myself together and ask when we start. I offer Thursday or Friday, but he says no, let's do Tuesdays. I am like, "I am trying to save them from me and give them a break", but he likes Tuesday for multiple reasons. He doesn't outline it, but I kinda think it was something like, I would have the same team that "saved" me last week, they know the drill, and if I do that again, I have all week to recover until the weekend. Tuesday it is. I get all rescheduled and I leave. I call Grant and tell him that I am going to the bar. Now that he has an office downtown and only one partner and one part time employee, he says, "I will go with you." So, I eat lunch and have a Manhattan. Grant has a beer and listens to all of it and says, "Ang, in the scheme of things...." "I know, I KNOW, but I want to feel sorry for myself for 24 hours. I love you." "I love you too." My 24 hours is up right now......... Loves, Ang

Good news

2011-01-28T07:58:00.000-08:00

My MRI came back clean - no cancer in my brain and probably no seizure, just a darn bad reaction to the drugs. My oncologist gave me the week off, and we will meet next week to discuss treatment. He and I talked a fair amount in the hospital when Grant was there and I think/hope that we will get to a plan that will get me successfully past the blood clots to surgery and back into remission. I so appreciate all the emails, prayers, thoughts, and energy sent my way - it makes a difference. One person that I would like to call out is Elaine. She has been my driver now for almost four years to chemo. She knows my protocol and when I "went over" she was there too. It must have been pretty scary, but she handled it with incredible strength. She stayed with me through the transfer to the hospital even while I slept. Wow, I probably would have dropped me like a hot potato and headed for the hills, but not her - it is not in her make up. Thank you Elaine for taking care of me, my parents, all of us. Sometime I will tell the tale of what happened in those few minutes, but it is still just a bit too fresh Heck, I made one of the chemo nurse's CRY! Feeling pretty grateful, Ang

Chemotherapy did not go so well and

2011-01-25T17:47:00.001-08:00

They stopped it. They are not sure if I just fainted from an allergic reaction or if I had a seizure. I am spending the night at the hospital for a brain scan and observation. I know I could use less drama. So very tired of this. Grateful that my boys are with my mom and dad, that Grant is coming tonight with a movie so we can act normal, and that I can order anything I want off the menu - the Chocolate cake was good. Karissa said something good is coming my way.....from her lips to God's ears! Loves, Ang

Sick Again/Parenting Skills

2011-01-23T14:15:00.000-08:00

After recovering from my trip to the ER and catching up on my life, I got a head cold - REALLY?!?!?!?! So, I am laying low this weekend, but I feel like I am beating it without it turning to a sinus infection, lung infection, etc. Yeah me! This week has been a good one - Nolan and I started planning and sending invitations to his birthday party, ordering his cake, etc. He is really excited and I am so excited for him. To think I didn't know if I would make it to his first birthday, and now, it is his forth! WOW! I also got to go to lunch this week with a couple girlfriends. How completely NORMAL. I liked it. No, actually, I LOVED IT. Then the cold hit and I gave into it, honoring that I have little to no immune system. One thing that was interesting this week was Nolan told me that I was pretty when I was mad and ugly when I was not mad. Interesting. I am thinking - Wow, there is a picture into your future, I don't particularly want to know about, but OKAY. I have been struggling with the boys a bit. They have gotten into the habit of when they get into a conflict, one of them just starts crying. No use of words, no working it out, nothing. By Friday I was DONE with this. Dr. Phil says, "Find your children's currency and then disciple with that." Okay, well, my children's currency is currency. So, I said, "New rule. You two are crying all the time and I can't tell when something is real or not. I am also finding that you are crying for no reason other than to have me fix the issue between you. So, the next time you frivolously cry, you owe me a dollar. This should encourage you to use your words and work it out or Mommy will get her toes painted with your money."Well, I earned $2 on Saturday and $1 today and the crying has stopped. SUCCESS. However, the really sad part about this is that I was hoping it would be a real money maker. Oh well, at least it is peaceful!!!! Sincerely, the chick with cancer and I think very questionable parenting skills!!!!!! :)

My life the horror flick

2011-01-14T12:54:00.000-08:00

Early Thursday morning - like 3:43am, I woke up, went to the bathroom, washed my hands, and looked in the mirror. There was dried blood all over my shirt. I looked down my shirt and I was bleeding - everywhere. I felt nothing, but knew that my pump was compromised and that bleeding isn't so good when you are on blood thinners. So, I walked into the bedroom, noticed blood on the sheets, and told Grant that we had a problem. Grant took one look at me and and his eyes turned to saucers. Panicked, he started to process what was going on. We called my oncologist and he said to go to the ER and get the pump off. So, I just put on a vest and went. When I showed up, I unzipped the vest and the woman behind the bullet proof glass said something like, "Yeah, we can see you now." Three hours later I was discharged. I had to go back at 9:00, but forgot my shot at home so, went home to go back to get my iron, fluids, and another shot for my white blood cell count. This week has been full of test after test, plus chemo. My arms look like a drug addict. I am feeling a bit better today, but my port access is really sore probably because I pulled a needle out of my body in the middle of the night telling as that is. But here is the best part, Thursday night Greek food sounded good, so Grant picked some up and got home. Here is the bad part. They forgot the tzatziki. You ever had Greek food without tzatziki? Well, it stinks. Okay, the entire day, I rolled with it, I didn't cry, I didn't panic, I didn't freak out, but when there was no tzatziki, I LOST IT. I started crying, and yelling that I was so sick of people prodding me, taking samples, redoing test, being in a hospital, etc. etc. etc. It was pretty brutal. And there is Grant. Exhausted too. He has lived this nightmare with me. Been up all night, y'know the drill. He just got up without a word, kissed me on the top of the head, left, and returned 30 mins later with warm pita bread and tzatziki. I love that man. Next week, I am going to try out for the next Scream movie - I am a shoe in. Loves, Ang

It is times like this

2011-01-11T10:24:00.000-08:00

I am very thankful for all that is done for me. For all the meals, from strawberry and pineapple skewer for my kids to mini pizzas that the boys like to do, to casseroles that last for a week, to brownies that don't last so long, to the cleaning crews that come to my house, to the Designed Dinners in my freezer (that I did not put there), to my parents' constant help with the boys. Because sometimes, just sometimes, I feel like quitting, just letting it go, stopping, getting my life back for however long that will be. But then, I stop and think of all the people that do all the things for me and what they would say - "But, you can't." "We are so close." "Please - go - for me." "Come Ang, buck up, you can do this." and I cry, wipe my tears, and go. I off to chemo this afternoon, sick to my stomach already, but know that twenty years from now, I won't remember it. Heck, if they give me enough meds, I won't remember most it on Saturday! THANK YOU. Loves, me

Scan results were good, BUT

2011-01-05T17:10:00.001-08:00

and this is a big BUT. While my cancer is continually going away, it is not gone and I will have to continue chemo. In addition, I have blood clots in both of my lungs. So, I got a phone call this morning with a "we need to see you and start medication TODAY". Surgery is postponed until the blood clots are gone. So, I am on two shots a day until I can transition to a pill, but that will not be for a long, long time. This does not make my chances any harder of beating this, but it is another challenge that I get to face, oh, and my car wouldn't start this morning, but the furnace comes tomorrow and with the help of AAA they figured out that I had water in my gas line and got it started. Thankful for little miracles. What a week - love, Ang

My status

2011-01-04T17:12:00.000-08:00

Wow, so much as happened since my last post it is almost mind blowing, but I will attempt to update you. Most people want to know how I am, but let me update you first of how other things are that have taken a fair amount of my attention. First, my insurance companies are now paying! HAPPY FLIPPIN' NEW YEAR TO ME! No more letters that say, you owe us $296, $71, and $272,000 dollars! Yeah, I am a little expensive right now. I like to say my ass is worth a TON of money! Then, our furnace went out. GREAT. Real life sometimes is inconvenient, but luckily, I kinda knew this may happen because chemo makes you clairvoyant and had already scheduled the quotes, so the new furnace comes Thursday and with all the donated space heaters (thanks to the Girls and my Parents) the house is comfortable (with a fair amount of clothes). Okay, now to me. On December 21st, I saw my colorectal surgeon. Those appointments are the BEST. So, what do you want - the good news or the bad news???? Bad news it is! Okay, by his determination and the fifteenth student that he has "shown" me to, he told me that my rectal lesion appears to be a little bigger than before. So, it appears that it is no longer responding to chemo. Okay, so that is the bad news. So, he says, "You have a scan coming up and chemo next week. So, let's have you do chemo and, then the scan, and, then we will determine whether to continue chemo for the lungs and monitor your rectum or put you in day surgery to remove the rectal lesion." Okay, did you read "day surgery"? "Day surgery" has never been on the radar. I have NEVER heard anyone say "day surgery" to me. I have heard colostomy, I have heard seven day hospital stay, pooping in a bag, possible reconstruction, and J-pouch. I repeat IN THREE AND A HALF YEARS I HAVE NEVER HEARD "DAY SURGERY". Okay, back to the story.....imagine me looking at him STUNNED - deer in the headlights sort of look - and saying, "Day surgery?" and him responding with, "Yeah, we shrunk it and I think I can get it all" in a "no big deal" sorta way. Still stunned he looks at me like, "Where have you been? This was the goal. How did you not know this?" and I am just still stunned. I shake my head, clear my thoughts, look at my watch, and say, "Well, if I stop eating now we can do it tomorrow!" "No we can't. I have to talk to Hank." "Yes, we can." "No, you are going to do chemo and then the scan, just to be sure, and then we will do it." "Yes, we can." 'NO. WE CAN'T" with the look like I am his little girl and I just stole a cookie. "F-i-n-e." So, that is the good news which some would think is bad, but they don't know the whole story and don't realized that this is frickin' fantastic news! BTW - Hank (my oncologist) gave me the same, "Well, of course, that is what we were doing" like I wasn't paying attention in class and I am like, "You know I have BEEEEEEN here for every appointment. I don't think I woulda let that one slip by." But(t) anyway, so chemo was last week, I did the scan this morning, and I will meet with my surgeon on Thursday morning (1/6) at 9:00am where my life and my rectal lesion's life will be determined. Day surgery.....never thought I would love those words...... Happy Tuesday, Ang

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-25T10:13:00.000-08:00

As a lot of you know, I used to hand stamp over 100 cards and send a micro Christmas letter. Not any more. This is my Christmas letter and it is being sent on Christmas morning. So, here goes.....2010 was a interesting year. Grant started his own business with long time coworker Mike Byers. They named it CRETE and with all of the good work and marketing they did they are still in business and now concerned about having done too well. I consider that a GOOD problem. Seriously - how is that a problem???? WHATEVER! Next year will be a lot different because they are moving out of Mike's house (free rent makes any bottom line seem wonderful)and getting office space. Here is to Grant GETTING OUT OF MY OFFICE!!!! But seriously, I am really proud of the success of CRETE and how Grant and I handled the year. Clearly, June and July were a shock when my cancer was back and the end of the year has been stressful because, count them, BOTH of my medical insurance companies have been fighting over who is primary and NEITHER were paying my claims and still are not, but I wrote the right letter to the right people and now we are just waiting on one piece of paper - nice. I offered to create, forge, do anything to get the peice of paper they need, but apparently I can't. Now, it is Christmas and we should not dwell on that crap! Moving on.......Mason and Nolan have had a great Christmas - despite their requently questionable behavior!!!! Here is a story.....We have the Christmas Elf that visits us every year. He watches the boys during the day and then flies back to Santa EVERY night to report their behavior. Well, one night we were out for a Christmas adventure with Karissa and her kids and Nolan wasn't eating his dinner, so I said, "What will the elf think?" and he, without missing a beat said in perfect English with perfect grammar, "The elf can't see me. He is at home." I was dumbfounded - speechless - what do I do with that??? Quickly Karissa took over, "Oh yeah buddy, well Santa knows EVERYTHING and you want presents don't you?!?!?!?" Shockingly, he ate. In addition on the way home, Mason was trying to crack jokes which all involved underwear, pee, poo, etc.. At the same time, Nolan was taking about his favorite planet - URANUS. "PEE PEE POOP POOP UNDERWEAR!" "We live on Uranus! Santa is coming to Uranus! Uranus - Uranus - Uranus!" I have to say, my kids are all class. I am SOOOOOOO proud. So, there you have it a typical Christmas in an average family. I do have medical updates but I am not ready to talk about those. They are fine, and I will be fine. It is nothing that can't be managed and luckily I got alotta good managers. The first week of January the decisions will be made and I will do what I have to. So, a little prayer between now and then will not go unnoticed and would be GREATLY appreciated. Forever grateful for so many things, Angie, Grant, Mason and Nolan

Off and then back on

2010-12-20T07:36:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged in a while mainly because I don't know how to get all that I am feeling onto the page without it being a multi page rant, but I must get my words down, so here goes...... December started out great - Disneyland and great memories. Yes, the puking, but, all in all, a huge success. We got the Santa visit in, got the pictures, checked off our list, etc. Then, as you may remember, I got the flu. Chemo was rescheduled and another week was gone. I was a little miffed, but what am I going to do. My parents were great. They took the kids both times to let me get well and outside the new addition to iron with my chemo, I did well. Here is what didn't go so well. First, why am I so lucky to always have chemo when we have cold snowy winters???? Luck or bad timing? I don't know. I haven't felt my fingertips in weeks and the bottom of my feet are in and out depending on massage, essential oil usage, etc. The iron that was added to my IV this time has helped out a great deal with my tunnel vision, almost blacking out when I stand up, etc. with the one minor draw back. For 36 hours after treatment, I believe that I am actually chewing on an iron pipe - YUMMY. And then, I got a taste of freedom. This was the worst thing. There were a few days between the flu and chemo that I felt, well, normal. I even had a martini - regular strength. Grant and I were working well together, things were busy, but I was on my game. Then chemo with iron and Grant and my bad twins came out (we are both Geminis). Grant was tired and taxed. This is the bad side of winning his huge contract - yep they won the one I mentioned in AUGUST. We are very thankful, but we are also VERY busy. It wasn't supposed to be this way. My cancer wasn't going to come back, but it did, and we were aware of this and then we got to Christmas and HOLY COW. Grant took me to unhook and snapped at me a couple times. I came home and cried and said, "Remember dude, I am on steroids and chemo, and I just lost my freedom AGAIN. " Poor guy - really not much winning that argument. He felt bad, but things didn't get better until Saturday afternoon. I left for the play with my Mom (I was suppose to go on a good week, but we all know how that went). I left with the boys in bed after screaming my head off at them. It was a beautiful Mommy moment. It was good for me to go. Grant got himself together with the kids, I relaxed and enjoyed "A Christmas Story The Musical" which was about a family with two little boys and all the excitement around Christmas. Guess who felt like crap, yet thankful, tired, yet hopeful, and defeated yet determined to make this a good Christmas? Yeah, that would be me. I came home and Grant wanted to do a little shopping, so it was me and the boys that night. It could have been horrible, but THEY WERE GREAT. I WAS GREAT. GRANT WAS GREAT. We were back - thank God. I put the boys to bed and Nolan threw his arms around me and just hugged me. There is nothing like a three year old's arm around your neck when it is just for the joy of it and he is not choking you. Mason's special prayer was that he was glad we were all alive and that we had Christmas this year. I was a little puzzled by the "having Christmas this year" - didn't we have it last year? Oh well, he also has "America's Freedom", Christmas, and Santa ALL MIXED TOGETHER. Patriotic little thing he is. Grant came home after they were asleep and I was collapsed in bed. I was still having trouble tasting anything but I knew I needed to drink more fluids. So, get this, I asked him to get me a Lemonade Capri Sun. I know, but it had been going down okay this round. Each round of chemo I have different things that I can/want to eat/drink, I search through the pantry every time to see what will "work" this time - it is kinda funny actually....anyway, I digress.... Grant gets the Lemonade and brings it up to me. With it, he has a glass of wine for him. I was looking at him like, wine in the bedroom? I was thinking he was just going to give me the Lemonade and go downstairs to watch TV, but he doesn't. He sets the wine down and gets on the bed getting comfortable. I drink my lemonade and he starts talking to me about, you know, anything......everything. I am just looking at him. I am exhausted, but I realize........he still LIKES me. I am not sure if I like me, but he is just wanting to be with me......after everything - 42 treatments of chemo, two lung surgeries, six weeks of radiation (which change our lives for two plus years)......I finally asked, "Grant, I know you love me, but do you really still like me?" He looked at me annoyed because this question was not in context of the conversation and he doesn't like that and says, "Yeah, of course I do." (under is breath I am sure he said something like, "Weirdo.") He still likes me. Sixteen years of marriage, seven years of infertility, three and a half years of chemo, one business, two kids, one house, two cars, family, multiple jobs, friends, bills, health insurance, births, deaths, toys everywhere, Santa hysteria, and he still likes me. Victory. Here is to the week before Christmas - loves, Ang

Okay, who is the prankster that sent Mr. Hankey?

2010-12-11T15:20:00.001-08:00

Feeling MUCH better and having a nice weekend, and then the Postman brought me a package. It is what looks like a BIG piece of poop (toy poo) with a Santa Hat and a face that saying things like, "You know something pal? You smell an awful lot like flowers!" and "Crap is everything!" and "I reckon this could be a job for Mr. Hankey!" Okay, the funniest part in all of this is that it is a piece of poo and my oncologist's name is Hank. I have my thoughts on who sent this and it starts with my sister in law, but I am open to others!!!! Stilling laughing and trying to hide this toy from my kids!!!! Loves, Ang

Here is to falling like a sequoia.....

2010-12-07T15:30:00.000-08:00

I was supposed to be in chemo today, but on the way in I started thinking, "Something ain't right." I got there, called before entering the office, they told me to come anyway, I did, but they would not access my port because, and I quote, "you don't look right". Grant took me home and the puke fest has began and I am officially off schedule......I hate being off schedule.......Loves, Ang

Our trip to Disneyland

2010-12-05T11:00:00.000-08:00

Okay, so overall the trip was great. The only question I have is why do we always get sick when we go to California????? Mason was sick Tuesday night, Grant on Friday night, and last night after tucking in the kids for bed at home, Nolan puked all over. Not being a regular puker he hasn't "clued in" that you puke IN the toilet, not all over your bed and then when you run out of space, puke on the floor, then on the door of the bathroom, cabinets of the bathroom, in the sink and then FINALLY in the toilet. Really? Do I look like I love to clean puke?? We go to Hawaii, don't get sick; we go to North Carolina, don't get sick; we go to Toronto, don't get sick, but the meager two hour flight to CA is fatal for us. And here is the funniest part......I only got a mild head cold. Now, I am still waiting, but you would think I would fall like a sequoia, but NOPE, or not yet anyway. Today, we are on lock down - trying not to spread it to the rest of the world. GOODNESS! So, here is what went not so great....I lost my camera and for a scrapbooker that is like a death, but my Mother, as she always does, got a disposable and had an extra camera in her room. WHO HAS AN EXTRA CAMERA .........LIKE EVER???? She had an extra camera when we went to China too - good thing, because mine stopped working the day we got there. We got sick, but we made it to the park everyday even if it was just for a little while. And, apparently, my name is Julie, but we will get to that soon. Now, here is the good stuff. Mickey Mouse decorated our room for Mason's birthday which was over the top amazing. We brought most of it home except for the singing balloon (that Grant and I wanted to murder at a couple points) and the GIGANTIC box that everything came in. We had banners on the door, banners on the windows, Mickey's footprints on the floor, an autograph book signed by Mickey dedicated to Mason, a Mickey Mouse toy, stuffed animal, book, special birthday ears, necklace, etc. etc. etc. Mickey REALLY spoiled Mason. Apparently, Mickey also did fireworks for Mason, according to him. IT WAS PRECIOUS. We went on bigger rides like Big Thunder Mountain and enjoyed the Christmas Decorations and Parade. It was amazing. I almost cried when we walked out onto Downtown Disney at night. The lights started there and went all through the park. New Orleans' Square was particularly beautiful. Nolan could talk this time, so I loved his commentary. Like, "he didn't like the Pirates of the Caribbean because they were bad pirates........" Yeah, I know. I had to break it to him that all pirates were bad. He looked at me like, "Whaaaaaaat???"and then dismissed me as if I didn't say it. O-K-A-Y. I would have to say my favorite part was when we saw the tree lighting. We didn't plan it. We just happen to be there. In the tree lighting there was a dialogue of choosing to believe.......and it all came rushing back to me. I had lost the choosing to believe concept when I went into remission, Grant started his business, etc. I was normal.......a realist........I really starting to read the stats and really started to believe that I was just a result of good medicine and luck. But to believe, have faith, hand over control, and live everyday? Disneyland gave that back to me. Pixie dust and stars, Mickey Mouse and fireworks, and Good and Bad Pirates, and my family (Mom, Dad and Auntie Donna) all asking me, "Where is the garbage? Where is the bathroom? Where is the entrance to that ride?" (hence Julie the tour guide comment)...........I rediscovered my belief again in NOW, today, joy, family, and faith. Because as goes the saying, "Once you enter these walls, you leave the world behind and believe in what is possible and fantasy." I didn't get that quote totally right, but you get the jist. So, let the puke fest begin again on our next trip to Disneyland (scheduled for 2013, but you know, that could change.....)!!!!! Loves, Ang

"Do you still have treatment???"

2010-11-24T06:02:00.000-08:00

Mason asked because Nolan slipped and let it go that Nolan went to see Mommy's doctors on Monday for some extra tests to be sure I am okay after, well y'know, 41 treatments of chemo. "Why didn't you take me?" "I really don't want you to die and why you do you STILL have cancer." Slowly, I take each question - one by one. Yes; you were in school; I don't either, but sometimes we don't get to make that decision; I have NO IDEA, but we are workin' hard to get rid of it! Snow day yesterday was good and bad. I haven't been sleeping enough and with the steroids, if I don't go to bed by 9:00, I am up till 11:00 and then up at 3:00. So, the earlier I go to bed the longer I sleep and the better it is for EVERYONE. Grant stayed home and worked while I did little things while working with the kids. I cooked - that felt good, but sometimes I have to move the chair over to the stove, so I can sit down. Then, the kids want to help, and they need their own chair, so we have three full size chairs in front of the stove. By the afternoon, I was tired, but something happened in my head and I really looked at my kids.....you know, their thigh bones, and their teeth, you hear their laugh, and see the joy in there eyes, you answer their questions with a couple word you can only understand, you help them with their homework and really see when they are "getting it". What amazing little creatures. Sometimes you forget how precious they are when you have asked them for the 76th time to wash their hands and you threaten them with "mean Mommy voice" and then they do it, because listening to nice Mommy voice is apparently blissful - even 76 times later. Grant took the Focus out for a test drive in its new tires and got a couple movies at RedBox - my new favorite thing - BYE BYE NETFLIX!!!! So, we watched a Disney movie about the true meaning of Christmas. It was full of magic and sadness, orphans, and no toys, but as usual all is righted in the end. Mason was crying at one point and I just kept saying, "Have a little faith - no matter how bad it gets, I guarantee you, it will turn out happy in the end. Life can be joyous even when you don't think that is possible." The movie ends well and everyone had a family, toys, believed in Santa and Mason was over the moon happy. I tried having a teachable moment with him after the movie, but all I got was, "In the end, EVERYBODY HAS TOYS!!!!" Oh well - maybe next time! Enjoy what is left of the snow...... Love, Ang

I read in Oprah Magazine

2010-11-21T16:13:00.001-08:00

that you have a 50% better chance of living if you have a strong social network. Having one actually increases your chances of living as much as quitting smoking, not that I smoked, but y'know that is big and after a weekend full of people driving me to hair appointments, cleaning my house, feeding me, etc., I think I got that one........CHECK. ;) Happy Sunday, Ang

Something miraclous happened to me last week...

2010-11-17T18:15:00.000-08:00

I felt good. Like really good. I went to the Childhaven Auction. I have never seen money like this. My new lifetime goal is to be able to open the bid at that event. It would be unrealistic to actually think I could "win" something. I went to the end of season soccer party for Mason. I went to the mall with Nolan. Nolan and I even went to the Toys R Us to look for things for his Christmas list. I went to a Martini Bar with some girlfriends to celebrate a milestone birthday. It was a banner week. I guess with the pneumonia gone and I kinda back. And now I have two weeks between treatments through December! I am so excited for December - I can hardly wait. So, get this, the same day that Grant said the business was doing well and we will get a dividend soon, I thought, oh, well, I got the big expenses, like COBRA, house payments, IRA, etc. covered for next year, maybe I should put more money in GET (children's college fund) and then Mason came into our room and said, "Mommy, I don't want a birthday party this year." SHOCKED AND AMAZED, I said, "But why?" "Well, I want to go to Hawaii." HISTORY: Due to my poor prior planning I accidentally (forgot would be a better word) scheduled a trip to Kauai during my youngest son's birthday). I know BRILLIANT. GREAT MOM. I replied in a not so nice way, "Mason that is a pipe dream that ain't going to happen, BUT I haven't planned your party, so if you think about it for a couple days, and come up with something doable, I will check into it, but don't tell anybody about it until you and I talk" Okay, this is where I am going to brag a little bit........so, I have created this relationship with my son that he actually goes away and thinks about. He believes that I will and he knows that I will. I am SOOOOOOOO proud of that - it is crazy. Okay, so off my soap box. So, two days later he comes into bed with me and waits for Grant and Nolan to go downstairs to start breakfast and says, "I have decided where I would like to got for my birthday." "Okay, so where..." "I heard you and Dad talk about how pretty Disneyland is during Christmas and I have a Christmas birthday. Do you think we could go there?" My eyes fill up with tears, but I keep my voice steady and say, "Let me see what I can do. I will need sometime with the computer, so let me do the research. But Mason, I think you have made a very good choice." I did tell him that if we do this there is no "birthday party" just us and his grandparents and he said, "That is all I need." I am like, that is funny because your brother wants two tickets to Hawaii (for him and Carter - his best friend) and a Batman Birdday cake. I try to explain to Nolan that he can't do that for so many reasons, but it is futile....... Anyhoo, after three days of researching and purchasing, not only are we going, but so are my parents and the surprise guest is Auntie Donna too! Auntie Donna had me book her room, so I booked it for two beds hoping one of my precious angels will be sleeping with her!!!! :) So, I guess we put off college savings, but I remember going to Disneyland and Disneyworld during Christmas when Mariella and Gaby were staying with us. It was magical (except for getting stuck in "It is a Small World" which happens EVERY time and I not going in that ride even though I have been told it has been rebuilt - whew - got that off my chest! Evil evil ride....) Anyhoo, Disneyland is amazing - the lights, the costumes, the decorations, the fireworks, and now I get to show them to my boys. College can wait. Loves, Ang

Of couse Michelle finished!!!!

2010-11-10T16:20:00.000-08:00

I know, I was lame and didn't post, but Michelle did finish the NYC Marathon. Her time was JUST over 4 hours (by 16 seconds). She called me at the end of it and quite frankly I was so moved by her words to me (and this is after running 26.whatever miles!) that I didn't think much of anything else. I am so lucky to have some many wonderful people in my life - so, as we hung up crying for joy, goals achieved, courage, and life, I remembered how much I really want it. Love to all and THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for your support - in all ways, Ang :)

So proud of myself....

2010-11-07T03:13:00.000-08:00

For the first time in over a month, I went out of the house on the Saturday after chemo. I wasn't feeling perfect, but I was doing better than I had done in a long time, so I decided to run a couple errands to the bank, and, of course, Fred Meyer. Once in Fred Meyer, I picked up what few items I needed, and then I decided to hit the toys. Mason and Nolan have been going on and on about Beyblades and Bakugans. I didn't even know what they were, but they wanted them on the Santa list which means they are SERIOUS. So, I am meandering through the toys and there is this kid there. Articulate and way too interested in talking to me, BUT, he knows all there is to know about Beyblades and Bakugans. He was like my own personal shopper, my Mom stuck in a eight year old boys body, you know what I am saying...... Finally, I disengage from the eight year old with my four items - one of each for both boys in their stocking, but he is very interested in telling me the ENTIRE history of both toys. Sweet kid, but NOT INTERESTED. I came home exhausted, but I proudly showed the bag of Beyblades and Bakugans to Grant. He was like, "Oh, they weren't making it up. These things actually exist?" I look at him and say, "I know!!!!" Up in the closet away from little eyes - now remember to put them on the Santa list....... So that was the excitement of Saturday. Weekends after chemo are slow - little happens in the house and with all the rain we had, the boys never got out of their pjs. You know, those days are nice. The world goes on spinning, but we have a little life right here. We talk about school and movies, I told Mason about Michelle running her marathon for the American Cancer Society and he showed me how fast he can run, I completed a Santa dream, Grant started working on the home movies and he said to me, "Ang, we have the same amount of time of Nolan's first year as we do Mason." I never asked him about that, but I guess when you are married for 16 years he knew I would want to know - especially with all the distractions we had when Nolan was born. Grant and I talk. I ask him if I remembered things correctly from the past few days and he corrects me if I am wrong. We talk about my fear of a blood transfusion, a new cancer patient that may be calling me, and cancer. And, then, he looks at me and says, "Lung surgery sounds a lot worse than a blood transfusion." FINE. Point made. Personally, I think, lung surgery sounds better!!!!! I know that is just stupid........ Anyhoo, now I sit here at 3:30 in the morning. I couldn't sleep anymore, but I think it is because Michelle is running today and at 2:30 when I woke up, she had to start her way to the race tent. I got up and checked email - the last one was from her - "WE DID IT! Off to the American Cancer Society race start. Talk soon." Michelli met her $4000.00 goal for running the NYC marathon for ACS. For those of you spared by my mass email last week, I have a very good college friend that is running the NYC marathon for me and her Mom. She had always wanted to run the NYC marathon, but decided doing it for a cause was as important. Her goal was a steep $4000.00. I was like, "What?!?!?!" Holy cow!" So, I put out my own plea to meet her goal and, in perfect time, it was met. Thank you. Wow. Thank you. Now, in truth, I had to call Karissa last night and tell her to donate to put Michelle over the $4000.00, but those are details you don't need to know!!!!! ;) Michelle told me she would text me when she completed the race, so I will let you know when I do. For more information on Michelle Czech and her dream of completing the NYC marathon, see her personal page, at ACS....http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?px=15329651&pg=personal&fr_id=26685&fl=en_US&et=K0QCiLE-JVwfpp2oyjQz2g..&s_tafId=500867 Now, back to bed!!!!! Loves, Ang

Scan results - the offical ones

2010-11-03T07:20:00.000-07:00

So, I went for chemo and met with my oncologist before the meeting. I said, "Well, I know you are happy with the scan because of all the adjectives (Scan way much spectacularly better), so yeah! He turned to me and said, "I was trying to portray that message, but lets be clear (and he looked me straight in the eyes and said) I am THRILLED with your scan. Then, with a quick hug and a a couple of tears - still don't have waterproof mascara that I have found that doesn't make me itch! We continues on with my being anemic and believes, at some point, I will probably need a blood transfusion. Not excited about that, but I will continue to try and manage it with red meet, spinach, and my friend mentioned liver extract pills. So, I am getting those cleared now. Okay, so here are the specifics of the scan. Originally I had two spots in my left lung - they are now barely detectable. My right lung has been struggling with infection/pneumonia etc which looks a lot better Ithey don't believe it is cancer) and my rectum has reduced by 2/3rds and the rectal wall thickening is gone. We have do to chemo through December, and then a scan in January to see where we are are. Do I know what all this means? Well it sounds good to me and I gave you the non doctor words. I try to stick to "THRILLED" cause that dude doesn't anything he doesn't mean. More hugs and off to chemo to hear Elaine's horse ride story that she has been dieing to tell and it was worth it - I laughed all the way through chemo. Thanks Elaine!!! Love, Ang

My Scan and good news.....

2010-10-29T08:54:00.001-07:00

So, yesterday was my PET scan. I wasn't thinking that much about it, but did have a fit just before bed on Wednesday night. That usually is because I can't eat any carbs for the day before the scan and then I can only have water until after the scan which they pump you full of glucose contrast dye and radio active dye. Good times. In addition, I have been feeling SO much better that I have been trying to do real Mommy things like go to the store or clean out the kids closet with the clothes that are too small, replace them with clothes that fit, and box up the small stuff for the next Mommy. (That sounds bigger than it really is. See, I have a hall closet FILLED with hand me downs from my cousins' boys, and Sarah's boy, so they want for nothing. I call it "shopping" and they pick their clothes. I usually have to buy shoes and jeans just because boys wear those out, but not much else!!!) So, I go to the scan which I prepared for perfectly and was thanked for doing so. So many people screw up the prep for those scans it makes me NUTS. The scan is $5000.00 and they can't be bothered with doing it correctly because they are not paying for it??? No wonder insurance is so high!!!! Anyway, I digress......so going into this scan I know that I am most likely going to have to continue on chemo because it is not GONE from my backside yet. We know that from my monthly "exams". So, I race home because the glucose makes you go to the bathroom - a lot!!!! I go to the bathroom, and then eat what I want and I just lay on the couch, watch a movie, go to the bathroom, and slowly feel normal again. Then, at about six pm, I get a call from my endocrinologist saying that my thyroid is normal for my thyroid and she is not worried about it. She would like a biopsy before she gets back from maternity leave (Feb, 2011) and I agree that I will do it in January. So, now I know the scan is done, so I email my oncologist with my schedule desires and concessions hoping to have two weeks between treatments in December so that I can have Mason's birthday week off, Thanksgiving off and Christmas off. New Years is getting hosed again, but I don't really care about New Years. I almost immediately get a response back of, and I quote, "Scan way much spectacularly better". Good thing he is an oncologist and not an English teacher. We banter on email for a couple hours, he agrees to my December schedule request, and ends the emails with, and I quote, "You doin goooooooooooood". At that point, I told him to go home and get some rest - clearly he needed it!!! He loves doing crazy emails to me because it drive me NUTS. So, I don't know the specifics of my scan, but I do know that it is way much spectacularly better and for that I am very happy. He and I can talk specifics on Tuesday before chemo. Now, I just want to plan my life and all the good stuff around all the bad stuff (that is saving my life for the good stuff - thankful, very thankful), and enjoy Halloween weekend. Happy Halloween!!!!! Love, Ang

Not my proudest round

2010-10-24T06:18:00.000-07:00

Last week, I went in for chemo. I was okay. I was on antibiotics for my "lung infection" and they didn't make me feel great, but I was okay for chemo. My port didn't work so they injected it with an enzyme (snake venom) and said they could start my chemo in my arm while that worked away at my port. This process take 2 hours - adding 2 hours onto your treatment. I met with my oncologist and asked if we could reduce my chemo because of my weight loss. He looked at me quizzingly and said, "Let's see....sure a little..." and then he looked at me and said the fateful words, "What is really going on?" Well, where do I start? I feel like crap because of a "lung infection" which I am pretty sure is a more palatable word for pneumonia, I have lost 16 pounds and only gained back 8, I want to puke every time I have a full stomach, I HATE CHEMO and how I have to schedule my life around it......I am just tired. And then the tears came and me in all of my vanity says, "I can't cry today - I ran out of my waterproof mascara!!!" And in my oncologist's wonderful way, he checks and says, "It is still on - don't worry!" And then I cry harder because I should be thankful, instead of this weak, pathetic mess. My chemo is working. I am alive because of chemo. I should be thankful. I should kiss the floor every time I go into that place. I should be thankful for all the meals, help, ushering Mason to school, cleaning of my house, etc. etc. etc. I should have the guts to be able to do this with all the support I have, but I don't. I feel like so much of a self absorbed loser. I say, "I know, I should have a better attitude." as I dry my tears. My oncologist replies with, "You need a better attitude????? No, you need more of this. Maybe we should take a break?" I respond with, "My scan is next week." and he wheels start goin', "Okay, let's do this week, scan nex,t and then we can see if we can take a break. Okay?" Okay. So, you would think it would get better right? Nope. I am still the self absorbed mess I was. I go up to chemo. They start my chemo in my arm which HURTS like a *(&(*&(*&! Susie comes by and that distracts me, Elaine has an scan so she leaves and then I have to take my last antibiotic for my lung infection/pneumonia and I want to puke - LIKE PUKE HARD. I tell my nurse and she goes into serious mode with anti nausea, cold cloths, buckets, etc. It passes and then she just looks at me and it happens all over again. I have felt sick for a month, I have had three good days in 27 but who is counting? I love the fall and my anniversary got SCREWED up again because of this crap. I finally stop crying - mascara gone by now - and I say, "I know, I should have a better attitude." She gave me the lip pierced, side tilt thing like, "No, you need more of this.", but all she said was, "Ang, all you need to remember is that it is WORKING and it is NOT forever." I think in my head, "Promise?" but I know she can't do that. I get myself together and Elaine come back. Poor thing has missed all the drama, but knows what to say and what to do. We go home and she says, "Cry more - it helps and by the way, great job on sticking it out today. You showed great strength." Not a direct quote because I was heavily medicated, but I think close. I came home ate dinner, puked up everything, and went to bed. I am doing better now - anxious of course for my scan and crossing my fingers for a little break so that I can get some good WEEKS in, recharge, and do it all over again. It is working and it is NOT forever...... Love, Ang

Quite a Friday

2010-10-16T06:18:00.001-07:00

Friday I had three appointments up at the hospital which turned into five and blood work. I don't know how to explain this, but every time I go up there, I am a mess. It is probably PSD, I don't know. I take my pill, I do meditation, I fill up on positive energy, but nothing can totally break the hell of just been done with them. I got there at 10:15, did my ultrasound on my thyroid that they have watched for years. I have an enlarged thyroid. Then blood work for the thyroid. Then upstairs, to my colorectal surgeon and had an exam to see how my rectal lesion was doing and my surgeon was really dower. Like, he walked in with my chart, says, "Why didn't you get a scan last month?" I told him that we pushed it off because we just started to have momentum in the rectum (no I didn't mean for that to rhyme), and thought we would give it a couple more chemos to see how far we could get it. I responded with a "AGRGGMMMMM". I have no idea what that even means. He does the exam and says, "It is 3mm by 3mm." I reply with, "Smaller, right?" "Uh Uh." Okay, I am thinking this is good, but by the way he is acting I almost let myself spin out of control. "Okay, get dressed and we will talk." He comes back in, sits across the room from me which he never does and I say, "Okay, you are freaking me out a little bit with this whole dower thing you got going on. My news is great, yes? We went from the size of you thumbnail (which is abnormally large BTW), to 3mm by 3mm." He then relaxed, exhales, and says, "Angie, I got a lot on my mind. No sweetie, I am euphoric about you." His "euphoric" and my euphoric - VERY DIFFERENT. Well, okay then, THAT'S is more like it. "Well, then on to them, I am fine, and I will get you result of my scan in two weeks." And then out of what seems like nowhere he gives me the biggest hug like he is trying to suck the energy (what little I have) out of me. I think it probably really sucks to be a doctor sometimes. I think he had a bad thing happen that day. Off to the endocrinologist for my thyroid, which apparently is not getting smaller like it does on chemo, but larger and starting to concern to my endocrinologist whose is 8 months pregnant. I told her about the scan coming up and she liked that, and she totally gets that she is second fiddle to my pesky Stage IV Colorectal Cancer, so we agree to this: She will get special thyroid pictures at my scan which will tell us if it is cancer or not, if not, we will probably biopsy it just to be sure and then talk about removing it after a six month review when I have this pesky cancer wrapped up, and she is back from maternity leave. And then we talked Mom stuff......she is having another little boy. Two boys 26 months apart. She said, "Mason and Nolan are 26 months apart." I was like, "What sort of freakish memory do you have????" So, we talked for a while. I gave her advice and that the first two years will be HARD (just eat out, get a house cleaner, don't plan on anything cause someone with be barfing, you are ALWAYS at the pediatrician, etc), but that I love 3 and 5. I really do. They play together, they say I love you to each other, they miss each other at school, it is really precious - way more than I can stand sometimes. SIDEBAR - when I was pregnant, I always said, "I just want a 3 and 5 year old. Why do we have to have babies....." I maintained that statement until the cancer diagnosis and then I cherished (almost) everyday, but now that I am staring down the barrel of their 6th and 4th birthdays, I am so grateful, happy, and mystified, I cannot even put it into words. Okay, I am back...she told me to remind her of all of this when I see her in six months. I gladly agreed. Then, I go to lunch and call my oncologist and tell him I cannot beat this cough and that I am a little bit worried. So, I get more appointments! I go in for a chest xray where they have to always do it again and again because I have freakishly large lungs. The tech this time said, "Were you athletic growing up?" I was like, "Sure, but not like marathons or anything. I always played sports, ran, and then played soccer as an adult, but not now. Why?" "Well, it shows and that is a good thing. You have huge lungs. You should really tell us that before we xray you next time." I am thinking, good thing I have huge lungs since they took 10 pieces out of them! So, I get the results and it doesn't look like cancer, but I have or still have that infection in my right lung. My oncologist is not concerned, but offers to push off chemo to do a scan and see for sure. I don't change the schedule - too many cogs to alert, change, etc. Plus, pushing off chemo just means more chemo later and we are not doing that. I get an rx for a antibiotic that cost me $30, so I hope it is a good one!!!! I am used to $1.80. So, as I leave First Hill it is 3pm. I have just wasted a beautiful sunny day at the cancer center. The question I guess really is, did I? Or did did I have a great day knowing that it is working, my thyroid is my thyroid and my exhaustion isn't chemo, it is just an infection. I am not sure until I come home. My one goal today was to put up the Halloween decorations before the boys came home. They LOVED it and then Nolan came up to me and said, "How were your doctors appointment?" I told him that I got my medicine it is wasn't the kind where I get sick - this one makes me better. "Good!" he replies and then he looks up at me and says, "Mommy, you are beautiful and I love you for all the days." And there is it - my day was PERFECT. Sometimes when I think of cancer as a job I hate and can't quit, those little boys shift my world and make it all okay. Happy Saturday...love, Ang

Reiki

2010-10-13T09:37:00.000-07:00

Well, I think it is finally catching up with me. I have had 7 hits of full on chemo with shots to boost my white blood cell count every other time. The shots make my spine and pelvis ache. I still have a cough and can't seem to sleep for more than seven hours straight without taking two hours to cough and spit up crap. I go to sleep when then boys do, or if I have the energy, Grant and I watch a movie in bed on the DVD player that was initially for the kids. I am slowly getting better, but it is a lot slower than I would like. So, if I haven't answered your emails or phone calls, I am sorry...it is truly just an energy thing. Yesterday was the first time out of the house (by myself) in a long time. I had a few errands to run, but most importantly, I was "required" to go to a Reiki clinic. My massage therapist told me about this clinic. It is once a month and she said, "You have to go. Period. Done. No arguments." She is a feisty little thing, so I wasn't going to argue and I was planning on it, but then I got sick, got tired, didn't feel like coordinating childcare for Nolan because I was pretty darn sure you don't go to a Reiki clinic with a three year old, etc. For those of you that don't know (like me) Reiki is defined like this, "A Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing. It is administered by "laying on hands" and is based on the idea that an unseen "life force energy" flows through us and is what causes us to be alive." So, this is how weird the world is. The clinic was yesterday. And, just by happenstance (sp), Karissa wanted to have a special day with Nolan so she offered to take Nolan all day that Tuesday. They have a special relationship - Karissa is one of Nolan's handful of people that he loves. So, childcare - check (without even trying). But then I still didn't call for an appointment. Thinking, I better try or I am in big trouble, I call on Monday (the day before the clinic) and was like, "I don't know if this is the right number or the right place, but I am trying to sign up for a Reiki Clinic somewhere in Burien..." and she responded with, "Yes, this is the right place, and we have three openings left." I reply with, "Well, I can only go in the morning....." She said, "10, 10:30, or 11:00?" I was thinking...the universe is NOT letting me out of this. "10:30 would be great - where are you located?" thinking I could get lost and not go....oh, the old Burien Library (where I grew up and studied at). There goes that excuse. So, knowing that I am really not going to get out of this I go. I leave late, but of course there is NO TRAFFIC and I arrive on time with exact change for the service, but I am KEYED UP. I don't know why. Maybe it was that I didn't know what to expect, I didn't know if I was going to cough or have to go to the bathroom. You know, generally make a fool out of myself. I don't know. It was totally silly, but my reality. I looked around saying to myself, "Please don't let anyone be here that I know. I can do this and if something goes wrong, I can never come back." Well, here the thing....after the treatment, I was calm, centered, and was able to do way more than I thought I could. I ran my errands, I had lunch out at the Nordstrom Cafe after my errands at the mall and I even had the energy to take Mason for a haircut after school. WOW. What an incredible day and all from a little Reiki. Happy Wednesday, Ang

In one day....

2010-10-04T13:47:00.000-07:00

And in one day I can be that normal Mom again. Taking Mason to school, going to the store because I forgot bananas, picking up mittens for a hat and mitten drive, turning in Mason's fundraiser, cautioning him on whether he is really ready to to the self imposed "see and say words test" yet, cross my eyes because Nolan is STILL TALKING (does he really think I can process all that he has to say??). Scary part is - I love that normal and I am thankful to have it even for just one day. (I have been in bed 11 of the 14 days this round.) Chemo tomorrow and I think I am healthy again. I even gained back six pounds - whew! Love, Ang

Life is gross....

2010-09-30T15:04:00.000-07:00

WARNING: This post is not for the weary, but it is funny or, at least, it is to me. ;) Okay, so today is the first day that I have not puked. I actually got two "meals", more like heavy snacks, down with little yogurt to get my system back to "normal". I have lost 14 pounds and if I talk, I cough, so I try not to talk. Yep, Grant is going to be happy about that one! Okay, here is where the gross begins, so don't read it if you can't hack it. Go on....shut down the blog....you can do it - you don't need to know this..... Okay, you know when you are sick, you get a very close up view of your toilet. And, when you live with three males, that can get very, well, educational. Since Sunday at 12:30am, I have been puking and it is always that first puke that you say, "God, I hope that is hot cereal." By Tuesday, I think I was just puking because when I got to the toilet it was so gross. You know, the fabulous combination of vomit, poop, pee - can they aim better?, and other things that grow in that environment. Cleaning it would are been an option if I wasn't winded going up the stairs. Wednesday was especially precious. My Mom had Nolan and she was picking up Mason from school. I had until 3:00 to rest. At 1:00, I vomited all over my bed, got the toilet and realized the bucket was downstairs so, I puked and afterward did a "special" load of laundry. As the washer was going, I drew a stiz bath and got in. Oh, here is some 40 year old and older bath etiquette. Go to the bathroom before you get in even if you (apparently) already did - more to follow. Okay, while in the bath, drain, refill, exhausted, lay back, fall asleep and in my stooper wipe my forever running nose and, yes, PUT IN THE WATER like I was in the shower. That is number two - do not confuse shower habits with bath habits. Screw it - I don't care I am getting out and I will rinse off. So, as I get out of the water, I am shocked, but then I remember, oh yeah, that is where I lose hair when I am in chemo. NICE. This is why people use bubbles. So, my Mom comes at 3:00 with the boys after taking care of Nolan all day, and finds me on the bed with no sheets, no mattress cover, and the duvet over me. (This a classic NO NO in my family. You never get on a mattress without at least the cover on it. I don't know why. I imagine it had something to do with resale LONG LONG ago.) Mom took one look at me, I told her what happened, and said, "Angie, I can stay until Grant gets home. Come on, let's make the bed (translation - let ME make the bed, you go pile yourself over there somewhere) and I would stick with showers......" Slowly on the mend, Ang P.S. I did a cursory cleaning of the toilets today and I think it was hot cereal (bath off the kitchen). ;)

Well, this sucks..

2010-09-28T17:04:00.000-07:00

Chemo went pretty well and I even went to a party on Saturday night. I only stayed for 90 mins or so, but I showered and did my hair, so it counts! The food was great, but I thought I might pay for it that night. And I did, but then the vomiting continued into Sunday. I didn't feel badly, I would just eat, then vomit, eat, them vomit. I know, I finally figured it out and stopped eating. I thought it might be anxiety and then the fever came. It broke early Monday morning, so I thought I was on the mend. Monday I layed (sp) low with Nolan, Mason when to school, and Mom picked him up for me. Then the headache. GEESHH - can this get more sequential? When Mason got home he told me his ears hurt. I get my scope out and, yep, he has an ear infection. I make an appointment for Tuesday afternoon. Grant stayed home today to help with Nolan, take Mason to the doctor, get the rx, coach soccer practice, and take care of me. Sometime on Monday I got a cough. Mason has been fighting a cough for a while and so has my Mom. GREAT. Tuesday comes - no food in my system for now two days and I vomit. How is that possible? Time to call the oncologist. So, I call down playing everything but asking if I am missing anything. They come back with OTC cough syrup to calm the cough so that I can keep food down. Why didn't I think of that? I even have the cough syrup they recommended. I am SUCH a loser. So now, I am doing better, but not still not eating a lot actually pretty much nothing, but the fever is gone, headache gone and I can go two minutes without coughing. So, this is when I usually get mad. This is suppose to be my good week. When my good week is "taken" from me, I get really upset and wonder how much longer I can do this? I get sick to my stomach thinking about going to chemo without having some good days in between. I think am I ever going to be free of my bed? Will I ever be normal again? I know....I was normal for a whole year. I think I just have to focus on the next whole "normal" year. If it would just get here already!!!!!! ;) Love, Ang

As summer comes to an end....

2010-09-24T17:01:00.000-07:00

As I finish up this round of chemo, I have been thinking a lot about summer. How I really only missed a couple things and how thankful I was to have a really great summer despite the weather and the chemo. The only two nice days - I was in chemo. NICE. We had the normal camping trips and, as usual, we got in trouble with the park ranger. This is actually a good story..... So, at Mt. Rainier campgrounds, you can bring bikes for kids to ride on. No trikes, no scooters..nothing but bikes. Well, we got in trouble last year because we brought scooters anyway. This year, Karissa and I decided to be good and we brought bikes. However, Karissa's kids brought a thing, that I don't know the name of, but you lay on your back and go under a car to fix it with. They didn't bring the big one of that, but the little wheeled cart that you put parts on and roll under the car with you. They also brought a jump rope. This is how it went - they tied the jump rope to the back of a bike, put a helmet on, and sat on the little wheeled cart. Looked like fun to me, but I was like, "How long is this going to last?" and "How many years - in a row - can we get in trouble?" Well, as our kids are WHIPPING around the campground gleefully screaming with delight other parents are looking at us like we are NUT BARS. News flash - we are NUT BARS! The ranger didn't catch us until day two. That was the funny part - this "ranger" that looked like he was twelve stopped by the kids in his golf cart and says, "Kids, this is not allowed and not safe." Get this - NOLAN counters. Not Quinn, not Grace, not Emma, not Mason, NOLAN - the 3 year old. I was going to jump in, but then I hung back thinkin' this could be fun.......and it was. Nolan looking up and explaining to the "ranger" that it was safe because they had helmets on. "It's okay! We got helmets!" The "ranger" actually started discussing it with the 3 year old negotiator and not so quickly realized that that was kinda....well, not going to work. There is no winning with Nolan. At three, he is a better attorney than most attorneys. He started looking around for the parents of this crew. I think Karissa dove behind the tent because it was pretty much me and five kids all of the sudden. Husbands gone too. I took pity on the child ranger and in my best, whatever-could-be-the-matter voice said, "They are mine. What can I do you for?" He explained to me that this was entirely unsafe and not allowed. I love it when twelve year olds tell me what to do with my kids. I told him that I would take care of it and with a "Kids - their park, their rules" the ecstatic screeching around the campground ended. If I had a picture of Nolan with his hands on his hips explaining it though it would have been perfect. But then that would have given me away with the flash and all..... hehehe We did attend the Puyallup Fair this year and we did do Mutton Bustin'. No champs this year, but Mason and Nolan got on those sheep like they owned them and their Mama was very proud of their bravery. And, after all, Mason did get second place in the tractor pull to a seven year old which I think it pretty darn good! So, all in all, it was a great summer and I was glad to have it. Here is to getting in trouble next year!!! Love, Ang

Update - on me

2010-09-22T14:18:00.000-07:00

Well, since I did so well on my "exam" with my colorectal surgeon saying, "I am very happy, and this is noticeably smaller", my oncologist and I decided that while we have this thing on the run, but not gone, we would give it a couple extra shots of chemo before my next scan. So, my scan has been moved to next month and I will do two more hits of chemo (not including the one I am in right now) and then we will see how this all comes out. Thought I should let you know...back to the couch......love, me

Survey and Great News

2010-09-17T17:14:00.000-07:00

Okay, so when you live this long with a "terminal" condition, researchers like to talk to you and, well, I love to talk, so it is a win win. My last call was last week. They asked me the same questions - lifestyle, eating habits, exercise, and the emotional stuff. For example, "Are you depressed some of the time, most of the time, a little, not at all?" Most of my answers go like this - a little, not much, NO!, that is crazy - life is terminal!, SERIOUSLY?!?! And then the dreaded "support" questions come. The support questions always are hard for me because I again realize how many people support me to do what I do......and I choke up. A LOT. Are there people to take you your appointments? Do you feel like you can ask someone to help you out? Do you have the financial resources to "afford" your condition? Do people bring you food? Do you have adequate child care? Do you have a supportive partner? Now, let's step back....these calls are scheduled calls that take 45 mins to an hour. I complete them in 35 mins, but then, by now, I should be a pro. Before I get on these calls, I typically refocus my brain to NOT CRY during the support questions. Sometimes that is in addition to a wee bit of wine if I can stomach it or medication. When I get off the call I am so grateful for my situation and then I cry. Not for myself, but for the person to says, "No, I don't have someone to drive me, feed my family, or help out. I don't have adequate child care, friends, or a supportive partner." Exhale. Breathe. Pray. Pray for them, be grateful for me, and try to feel the feeling rather than use humor to hide it. On my last call, I said, "You know, I think people are like, 'God! Will she be cured or die already - I am sick of bringing her food!'" Just to clarify, yes mother, that comment was VERY timely and appropriate in our conversation. Mind you, she (my Mom) will march into a school and slam everybody for what is wrong with a lunch, but she is concerned about my sarcasm with a research associate. I know, but I digress. I do love her so. Anyway, when we ended the call it ended with, "Angela, it was great talking to you again, we will talk again soon - you know, you are REALLY lucky." And I ended it with, "And you don't even know on how many levels." Click. Cry. Breathe. Exhale. Wine. Cry. Move on. Okay, let's shift gears..... Here is the great news. I got to see my colorectal surgeon and get an exam WITH HIS INTERN, but that is not the great news. The great news is that my RECTAL lesion is "considerably smaller" and he is "very happy." Chemo is working - thank God - again, it is working - thank GOD. Happy weekend - love to you all and again, thank you for your love, your support and for making my life possible. I couldn't do it without you. Love, Ang

Mason's First Day

2010-09-11T04:11:00.000-07:00

So much has happened since my last post.....I had a mini vacation from chemo (changed schedules from Thursday to Tuesdays which afforded me Mason's first day of school, Labor Day Weekend and even a drink with ice in it because the side effect wore off enough). I loved my mini vacation, but on the 7th it was back to the grind. This treatment was a bit rough, but things are back to normal and I am up at 4:00am again. I have one more treatment now before my scan, but that is not why I am writing. I am writing about Mason. The last month has been nerve wracking for me. This kindergarten thing is not for the weak. There is "testing", there are supplies to be purchased that are quite specific, there are lunch boxes to be chosen, lunch items to be obtained, backpacks to be labeled, etc. I guess it was just really difficult for me because I have such a predetermined schedule that has about 72 people all going in the same direction taking care of, well, my "everything". Mason, Nolan, Grant, the yard, the house, the list goes on and on. So, the first day of school comes and we are ready - camcorder, camera, the entire family walking to school, the weather is perfect, Mason is STOKED, Nolan is confused and already missing his brother, and I am talking to Mason saying, "Okay, so you are going to meet your new teachers today. They are there for your education and your safety - listen to them - Okay? As long as they don't ask you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, you listen to them." Now, as you know, I have already "checked" these teachers out, I have been to the school, talked to everyone I know, done all that I can before I let go of his hand and give him over to the Kent Public School System. Did I cry? No. Did I panic? No. I thought I would do both. Now, remember Mason has been in daycare one to two days a week since he was 16 months old, and here is he funny part, when I dropped him off at daycare, I never called, I never worried, I never was concerned. Mason got hurt, I would sign the form. Teachers would have meetings with me about "goals" and I would say, "Can you teach him to love learning?" I didn't care about 1 to 100 or the alphabet. I just wanted him happy to be there. To have the opportunity to learn and be taught. I trusted them completely. Maybe it was because I understood how it worked after working for a "daycare". I knew how they counted, how they kept tract, all the things they looked for, and all they things they did. But this, this was different. Now, I was giving my walking, talking, smart, kind, amazing, little boy to a system where you throw your backpack by the outside door and go play in the school yard until the bell rings - HE IS FIVE! Okay, so fast forward, he does great. He has his backpack and lunchbox, he marches up to the teachers, shakes their hand (I am not kidding), introduces himself and sits where directed in the multi purpose room. Then, after getting all the kids, for lack of a better term tagged and branded, they took them to their classrooms. It was chaos, but he just followed, giving me a kiss on the way by. He marched into his classroom, found his desk, sat down and looked........comfortable...........relaxed..........thrilled.............ready and BIG. There are people everywhere. It is noisy and confusing (for the parents). I am taller than most of the people so I can see pretty much everything that is going on. Cameras, flash, a beautiful day, my boy in school, Nolan climbing on his Dad for any bit of attention, and then the realization that I am done here and there is nothing for me to do for Mason until 2:53 when I pick him up. I don't cry, I don't even want to. I am actually so proud just looking at him, seeing him, seeing his first day of school. Grant and I look at each other and exhale. Now, this all sounds like a nice story and all, but if you have been reading my blog for a while you know that there is a cancer twist.....so, here is it. At 2:53, I picked Mason up. I have Nolan with me and Mason is thrilled. He is talking 200 words a minute telling me all about school and how great it is. There is again chaos, noise, kids everywhere, buses, children crying, lost, parents, etc, but it is all silenced by these words, "But Mommy, I wasn't allowed to eat my lunch. It was rejected. We don't make good food choices." I shake my head like I am trying to get the words out of it. I get them in the car and ask for Mason's lunch box. It was full. I am frantically thinking of what just happened as Mason tells me that he had to order an "Uncrustable" (which he doesn't like nor do I - do you know what are in those????), grapes, and chocolate milk. I think, well, maybe everyone gets lunch on the first day? No, that can't be. Oh well, maybe they missed the cheese in his lunch. Wait a minute, why are they looking at his lunch? There are lunch police? No one told me there were expectations about this and, WTF?!?!?!?!, we eat better than 90% of the population!!!" (My Mom and Grandma were WAY ahead of the curve with antibiotics, hormones, organic, etc. - in the 70s - however, I do have a weakness for fries...but I digress....) Now, lets remember, I have a fair amount of steroids in my system from the cancer treatment. I get home and I am stuck in this place of "they just didn't see" to "where was the lunch expectations memo" to "how is an Uncrustable a good food choice?" etc, and then I get the phone call from the school district with a recording of essentially, "YOU OWE US MONEY FOR LUNCH." REALLY. SERIOUSLY. Let's see, I provided a perfectly good lunch, you refused to let my son eat it, you ordered him a lunch which I would not consider a good food choice, and now I have to pay for it. OMG. So, who did I call? My Mom...yep, and the hell storm that came from that was earth moving. My Mom then emailed me all the nutritional data from my lunch and from the lunch provided, she advised me that I should go back to the school, throw the lunch on the table, and demand to know what is wrong with it and demand that I am not charged for the lunch that was ordered for me. Okay, so noted. So, then I call my friends with kids in school. NO ONE has heard of this and all say, "Ang, you gotta get this worked out...this is nuts...YOU? Bad food choices for your kids???" I am like, "I KNOW!" Then, my Mom calls back, and my Dad takes the phone..."Angie, you will take care of this. They were wrong. You will smile nicely, explain, and they don't have a leg to stand on. This will all get worked out. You know you provided a good lunch." And then it happened, I started sobbing. It was more than the lunch, it was Mason now questioning all of our dinner choices. It was him believing that he was doing something wrong and if you know him, he is the best eater bar none in the five year old category. He eats well and even tells me that he needs to stop eating junk food (which he considers popcorn). I KNOW! I cried off and on to the point that Grant said, "Ang, you gotta step back." I am thinking steroids, mixed with the lack of control of my life with cancer, mixed with a Mom's desire to provide food for her child. Yeah, that is NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. The next morning I take Mason to school with a packed lunch and arrive a bit early. I take an anti anxiety pill as to not verbally vomit all over the teacher and knock on his classroom door and she comes. In perfect time, I explain what happened, she apologizes to me, but more importantly to Mason, and we agreed that we will differ to "Mason has a lunch". So, within 24 hours, I went from telling Mason to listen to his teachers, to telling them, "No thank you, I have my own lunch." I am out $20 because you can't pay the school district any less for school lunches, but oh well, and thinking to myself, you know, my Mom takes care of Mason every other week and God help you, if you "reject" her lunch! ;) Love, Ang

My mole, or so we thought...

2010-08-31T15:53:00.000-07:00

Okay, so here is one of the stories that I has been brewing for a LONG time......a while back, like October of last year, I was going to an GYN Oncologist because of some fluid that was found on an ultrasound that was in my privates (that are not very private...anymore or ever again). Many of you probably remember my physical therapy around that and that I had to get genetic testing because there is one form of colorectal cancer that is linked to uterine and ovarian cancer (which, after testing, I didn't have). Okay, so I caught you up, but one thng that came up was a "mole" down there and I mean right on my pooper. I talked about it in an earlier post and how my GYN oncologist made me go to my colorectal surgeon who then asked me, "Where is it???" and I was like, "I don't know!!!!" He and I both started laughing. I KNOW. Like I look there EVERYDAY! Anyhow, the colorectal surgeon said, "That isn't cancer. If you want it removed we can do it, but it will be a seven day recovery time." Since I was going to NC, to visit Jane and Ty, we decided against it and he reassured me it wasn't cancer. I believed it wasn't because my dermatologist said it wasn't. Yeah, I am lucky. My dermatologist gets to look there too now since I got radiation there. Will no one NOT SEE MY BUTT?!?!?! She, my dermatologist, sent over the report and everyone was happy with my "mole" not being cancer. Okay, FAST FORWARD to three weeks ago. So, I am at my dermatologist's for my annual review and she looks at my pooper and says....."What? This isn't a mole - this is......OMG....this is blue.....that is weird....why did I say it was a mole????" AND THEN IT ALL MADE SENSE TO ME. I know, me, like I am a doctor, but I said, "Dr. K_____, could it be my tattoo from radiation?" Light bulb on. It was my tattoo from radiation. Okay, so, when you go into radiation they tattoo you and line you up everyday on those tattoos making it very exact. My radiation treatment was right there and hence so was my tattoo, but my skin had so much damage in that area until now, it looked dark - LIKE A MOLE. Well, so much for my mole. No worries there. WHEW. Hey, and now I can walk into a bar and say to some tatted dude, "You think that is impressive!?!?! Try getting one on your ASS!!!!!" :) Have fun today - love, Ang P.S. My skin is perfect and my teeth are perfect too - good to know I have two perfect things!!!!

Last Round and Summer Adventures

2010-08-25T09:06:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday was chemo and I did really well. Like REALLY WELL. I don't know what happened, but I was really okay. I didn't cry before I left, I didn't have a hard time going through the doors, I was mentally back. It could have been because it was Shelly's last round, and for that there is victory, maybe it was because Susie came and we (Elaine, she, and I laughed so much my sides hurt) but I think it was something else. I am not sure what, but maybe, just maybe, I can do this. My treatment recovery time was better also. I didn't vomit - I did have my bouts with being close the bathroom, but I did okay. My bloody nose is back as I have already lost the lining in my nose, my skin near my eyes and mouth are splitting due to dryness, and my tongue swells up so much I can't use my mouth guard at night, but hey it is chemo. I stayed at home on Monday alone with the kids (that is a feat), and I even went to the zoo yesterday. The zoo was the last scheduled "Angie's Summer Adventures" with Karissa and her kids. I am actually very proud of myself. I made every adventure week (outside the first which was my colonoscopy). Now, we didn't do all the things we had originally planned. For example, we passed on the hike (not much hiking with potty girl these days), and we stitched harder ones for easier ones on certain weeks, but all-in-all, I we did it. Oh, and for those of you that follow the blog with great enthusiasm and detail - Karissa's idea on the GRAND FINALE was Remlinger Farms and was a total hit! Nope, I didn't have to throw her under the bus - YEAH KARISSA! I did give her credit, although the kids really don't hear that. And for some reason, Emma (one of Karissa's twin girls) panicked like this was the last summer we were doing "summer adventures" and strongly questioned, "We are doing this next summer, right?!?!?!?!" Now, if you know Emma, that is actually a compliment. I replied with, "Yes dear, but lets be thankful for THIS summer. I have 9 months to plan next summer" with a "got it, chickie?!?!" in my voice. I also gave Quinn (Karissa's eldest boy) a small gift for all his help this summer. He was SO awesome all summer. Get this, he took my boys to the bathroom on EVERY SINGLE adventure without complaint, even offering to do it. I know like what 11 year old does that??!?!?! (Quinn knows that I am sick without all the details, but most importantly he is sensitive and kind enough to know that I need help.) He was just great all summer - no negative attitude, helped with all the kids, really, just awesome. When I was explaining why Quinn got a special gift, Grace (Karissa's other twin child) said, "So, how am I suppose to get a gift when I am a girl and can't take them to the bathroom." Karissa swooped in with, "Grace, it was more than just that Quinny has just been polite, helpful, and never complained, etc." I was thinking, "even when not getting gifts.....", but I thought it would be better to hold that one back. It was a good question and, clearly, she is a disadvantage with the bathroom thing, but now that Grace knows that gifts can happen, she will be on it next summer - don't you worry! She is smart that way - cunning girl! So, I did it. I have some stories, but I will wait for next time for that. I am just basking in the glory of accomplishment right now. I am also basking in the fact that my schedule is going back to Tuesdays for chemo starting September 7 which means I get TWO good weekends. I am going to enjoy them with all my being. I get to see Mason's first day of school, I am going to the cabin, I am going to the dentist (I love the dentist), I am working for Heather, I am going to get a massage.....I am going to live.....yeah, me. Enjoy yours, Ang

Forgetting.....

2010-08-16T11:20:00.000-07:00

Remember in my last post where I said that I was checking out this weekend camping? Well, I really did check out. As soon as we hit Mt Rainer National Park, my sick stomach went away, my anxiety melted away, and I was, well, me. Not worrying about my schedule, how is it going to work when Mason is in Kindergarten, how will my parents cope with driving him to and from, how hard will be be on Nolan without his brother, etc. I forgot it all. We went with Karissa and her family. It was a pretty lazy weekend and even though I had a few bad hours where I was close to the campsite and closer to the bathroom, we had a great weekend. Grant even took the rain fly off the tent (which is like an act of GOD - it is like he needs to always have the rain fly on and I am like, "Really? This weekend? Really?") and I got to just look up at the trees because the top of our tent is all screen. There is actually no better place in the world then in our tent on my air mattress with all of our sleeping bags, blankets, etc protecting me from the great outdoors (ground, rocks, tree roots, etc.), but being in the great outdoors looking up at the sky. I was just there - no worries, no cell phone, no hospital, no doctors, no Kindergarten, nothing. Nolan and I spent a long time looking up, talking about the shapes of the branches, what there story was, and how life was going to be for them. Don't really know how he got there, but hey, I went with it. When Jane was here, she read an article on the importance of "forgetting". We talked about it a lot and what it meant for both of us. I was so checked out that when I came home, I just started doing my thing. I got tired, but rested and then kept going. This morning, I thought nothing of taking Africa to the vet for her teeth cleaning, taking the boys to Joannes to pick up a couple thing Jane and I talked about, and then going to Old Navy to get jeans for Mason. (ALL of his jeans have a hole in the right knee, not the left, all on the right. He is also past the point of accepting patches on his pants. He used to love them - now, NOT GONNA HAPPEN. Whatever!) I got home exhausted, but I wasn't nervous, or anxious, or anything, I was just me. I even started thinking about dinner......like what I was going to make and then I saw a cooler at my front porch and I was like, "OMG, it is Monday and dinner is already here." I totally forgot. Good thing Jill was on top of it, with a cooler and everything. She even brought what I thought about having. Now, that is WEIRD. Well done Jill - you are now clairvoyant!!! So, what do I think about all of this? I think I need to forget more. Let go. Hang it up. Forgetaboutit. How do I plan on doing that? Well, being the type of planning/project manager person that I am, I am going to reinstate "No cancer days" where I don't talk about it, I don't blog about it, I don't do anything with it. It really worked last time. So, if you call me and want to talk about, I may have to tell you that I can't. If you come by and want to talk about it, I may just change the subject. I need to forget. The blog is good for that. I can put my feelings down and then I am done. People can see them if they want and if there is no new post, please assume that everything is fine, that I am just forgetting, or perfectly happy being with my boys and trying to suck every last minute out of summer. If I am in chemo that week, assume that I am sick for at least four days usually more like six. I love the emails that people send, I love to posts to the blog, I love the visits when people drop off food or clean. The part that is hard is when my phone calls and conversations are dominated by cancer. That exhausts me. I know that people are curious, they want to know, help, etc., and I can talk about it for hours - there is a lot to it! When I go somewhere and all I do is talk about cancer, I leave feeling defeated like I don't know anything about the real world - their world, but everyone knows everything about my butt and, worse that "it" is winning by dominating my life. And that I just cannot tolerate. So, here is to NOT talking about cancer, here is to the blog being my engine, and here is to forgetting more!!!! Happy Monday, Ang

Update - Me

2010-08-13T13:00:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I had a bunch of appointments and one was with my new colorectal surgeon. I am one of those lucky cancer patients where you can see a tumor site from the outside. Yes, "lucky" is relative. After three chemo appointments, my original tumor site has not changed. That is good. We don't know if it has killed the cancer, but we know that it isn't any bigger because of a thorough exam yesterday. YEAH/yeah. I am happy about it, don't get me wrong, but do I sometimes wish I got a cancer where they can't "feel" it?? You bet! So, the plan now is to do three more treatments of chemo, then do a PET scan and see where we are at. My oncologist was like, "So far so good!" Spare me if I am not as excited as he is, but at least I know what I am doing from now through the end of September. What I think is funny is I am like, "So, when are we going to fillet me like a fish and get'r done?" and they just look at me like, "There is no right answer." I am like, "Yeah, there is. Cut is out - I can be ready like tomorrow....." And they look at me with a mix of, "Wow, nice to have someone so willing to do whatever...." What they don't know is that I am having a harder time going through the chemo center doors. I know - I should be thankful, but it is darn hard. I will get through it - I have to just keep my eye on the prize. What is the prize?? Well, life, but I like to be more specific.......it is 10 years from now tearing my hair out with two teenage sons threatening that I am going to make them drive an Orange Gremlin if they don't shape up (I would do it too!).....the prize is going to Hawaii for a month (Kauai for three weeks in Hanalei Bay renting a house and the Big Island for one week to see the volcanos), Europe the summer before Mason starts working as a family, Kentucky with my Mom and Aunt, an cruise of Greece or Alaska or Scandinavia to St. Petersburg - I am not picky or anything, the Ol' Lahaina Luau on Maui with Grant (someday Honey we will get to Hawaii again for an anniversary. NOTE: Our anniversaries since cancer have been ruled my chemo. Looks like this one will be too. Except last year, we went to visit Jane and Tyrus. I know like WHAT!??!?! Technical failure on that one! I think airfare was cheap....), etc. So, I need to really focus on the prize, fight my hatred of chemo because, after all, I am here because of chemo, and move on, move through, and keep going. I can do - I know I can. Enjoy the sun this weekend! Love, Ang

Big Big Day

2010-08-05T08:20:00.000-07:00

So, today is chemo day and I am trying to get the boys out the door without bothering Grant because Grant has the biggest meeting of CRETE's history today at 1:30. So, I am trying to not have a breakdown before chemo until after he leaves. The kids are in the car and he comes over to me, tells me I am going to do great, I tell him he is going to do great, he kisses my forehead and the tears run down my face. Mason sees and he starts crying. Nolan, as usual, is, "YEAH, we are going to Grandma's after school!" I comfort Mason and he is fine. So, I come in and start getting ready. I have a few things to do and I get the call......(Grant) "It is camping week at school and we forgot to bring Mason's sleeping bag. If you put it out I can swing it by tomorrow." He sounds defeated - Grant hates disappointing Mason like that. I reply with, "No, Jane I and I can swing it by on the way to chemo. Don't worry. I can take care of this." "Oh, great!" with relief in his voice. "Can you surprise him with his lantern also (battery operated)?" "Sure - absolutely." Think about this - I have chemo and Grant has the biggest contract meeting today that will determine whether or not he is just a guy with a shingle hanging out his door (getting by) or a guy with a company that has a future and all we can think about is whether Mason's is the blue sleeping bag or the red one. (They switch all the time and you can't keep it straight!) So, if you happen to read this, can you send out some good karma for Grant/say a little prayer for him/whatever. Whatever happens it will be just fine, but he wants it SOOOOOOOOOOO badly, and, in turn, I want it for him too. What a day and it is only 8:30! Ang

Just too much.....

2010-08-04T15:05:00.000-07:00

So, I have been going along with Jane here. We have gone on summer adventures, I have told Grant to go play golf, I went to my aunt's cabin with the boys and Jane to give Grant a break, I helped with the neighborhood BBQ, etc. etc. etc. I am exhausted. Please don't get me wrong - people are helping me. Without the dinners and Jane, I think I would be dead, not just tired, dead tired. What I realized (with Jane's help), is that I am trying to be me. Active, constantly moving, taking care of everyone......but me. Then Nolan steps in being Nolan. Testing boundaries, testing me, testing Jane, and I LOOSE IT. I am going around with Jane is only here for a couple weeks - so let Grant play and rest, let Mom and Dad rest, so that we can go again. Karissa is busy with three out of school - she needs a rest from me. Problem is - I am not resting. I am having fun, trying to get everything done before Jane leaves and it is actually working against me. GO FIGURE. The cabin was easy - Donna brought everything. All I had to do is get there.....which was okay, but it was the lack of sleep putting two kids back in their sleeping bags, on different schedules because one napped and one didn't, etc and me getting 5 hours or sleep that killed it. Jane offered, but I wanted to be the one that put Nolan back in his sleeping bag. The trip back was hard because Mason got car sick three times. Poor thing - what five year old can grab a ziploc, open it, puke in it, zip it up and continue driving?!?!?! Y'know - it is like, I hadn't LET GO. I did today and Jane did awesome. I still have a little to do before tomorrow hits, but we hit our stride and today is blissful. Nolan in check. I hate cancer. I hate that I have to be sick for days, I hate that it take the precious summer from me, I hate that my friends and family are held hostage with it because of me, I hate that it wins (sometimes). But now, that wouldn't be counting my blessings would it.....because if I turn it around, I wouldn't appreciate my health, I wouldn't have ever known what it is like to be loved THIS MUCH, I would have never know how much I love summer, how badly I love life, and how beautiful life really is.....even with cancer. Jane is taking me to chemo tomorrow....we will have TONS of visit time there. I will miss that girl, but cancer gave me another summer with her. Love, Ang

Don't Count Nolan Out...

2010-07-28T11:33:00.000-07:00

Well, chemo was chemo. It sucks, but I got through it. I had one tailspin however. Mason wanted to see pictures of himself BEFORE he was born, so I got out the pregnancy journals. I showed Mason his which is a bit different than your normal pregnancy journal. Mine is filled with shot schedules, extra ultrasounds, blood counts, etc. The joys of infertility, but it was cute and sweet and I have to say I did a darn good job in it. So, Mason runs about the room and I start to thumb through Nolan's. While I am smiling, my smile fades as I am reading all the entries and they are all about how I was sick and weak. How I got another sinus infection, got the flu, and towards the end, it got worse. I compared pictures of the day I went to the hospital with Mason with the pictures pregnant with Nolan. My second to last entry was..."I feel so weak, I am losing weight, but you (Nolan) are gaining. You will be fine." The last entry was a letter apologizing to him. It was written in April of 2007. (I was diagnosed in May of 2007.) It read that I was sorry that I didn't have the best pregnancy as per the entries in my journal, but I assured him that he was loved and wanted and that he should never question that. Pause. Pause. CRY A LOT. Pause. He has never known me well, but you know, I think he will be okay. He is a healer and a fighter. He was a perfectly born baby boy from a body that was really sick. He was always been a trouper. Rarely cries from pain - more from hurt feelings. In fact, he told me today he needed to stay in bed for hurting Mason, but he did clarify in painful detail that he didn't technically throw the train at Mason..."..it just dropped on his face Mommy..." I replied with, "Nolan, it isn't the throw or drop part you got in trouble for. It is the 'on Mason's face' that is the problem." "OOOOHHHHH......" with a gotta-figure-that-one-out-for-next-time sort of look. Let's remember, he is 3. I think he might be a healer too. He is CONSTANTLY applying Vitamin E to his forehead or lavender oil (which is a bit expensive!) to me or Jane or Daddy. He cares about everyones boo boos. He is also doing EVERYTHING himself. Probably because he is 3, but I also think he is trying SO hard to pull his weight for me. He follows six step instructions to the letter and is amazingly self sufficient. Nope, don't count him out - EVER. He may just sneak up on you and "drop" something on your head!!!!! Happy Wednesday, Ang

Mason's First Movie

2010-07-19T09:32:00.000-07:00

So, a few months ago, Kari, a friend of mine, emailed me this AMAZING DEAL where between coupons, membership rewards, etc. you got Toy Story and Toy Story 2 movie for like $8 each (including a Blu Ray Disk) and two FREE movie tickets to Toy Story 3. I didn't understand the email she sent me at first and emailed her back saying I was going to pass so I don't need the coupons. She, who is like me with the "deals", called me and said, "I am sorry, you must not understand what an amazing deal this is and I am not going to let you pass on it." She was right. So, after watching Toy Story and Toy Story 2, I took Mason to his first movie at the theater on Saturday. We even went to the 3D version with the glasses and everything. Okay, I should give you a bit of history. I LOVE THE MOVIE THEATER. I used to go ALL THE TIME, but what else was there to do in Burien growing up besides sports and movies?!?!?! I went in college a lot too and then I met Grant. Grant doesn't like movies because they are not interactive. If you know us, your head should be tilting to the left in total confusion. He doesn't like movies because they are not interactive enough and I love movie because, with that logic, they not inactive. Yep, it's a head scratcher. I can count ON ONE HAND how many movies Grant and I have seen in the theater. Sixteen years this October we have been married. Anyhoo, so I am with Mason, telling him the rules like pee before because we ain't leaving the movie, NO TALKING, no getting up, NO TALKING, no kicking the seat in front of you, NO TALKING, etc. I was taking pictures, we bought snacks (I never buy snacks!) - we were all set. Mason did AWESOME. The only time he spoke was right at the end when he was so into the movie he had NO IDEA he was in a movie theater. He said, "Is he going to leave him????" Everyone around us was VERY sweet because it was a tender moment and Mason is my tender child. I had a great time. Over the past week, I felt better and better, I got out of my pity party/depression that I have to do this (chemo) AGAIN, I went to the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale and bought BROWN jeans (what were the chances of BROWN JEANS being the rage THIS SALE??!?!?!), and really got my groove back. If I am gonna do this, I am going to do it both hands up and fightin'. So, I was having a blast at the movie. I had never been to a 3D movie and was SO FUN! I was happy to be alive, lovin' the fact that Mason was lovin' movies in the theater, and then I crashed. WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN?? Toy Story 3 is the last of a trilogy about Andy and his toys. In this movie Andy is going to college and he has to decide what to do with his childhood toys. So, there is a scene when his room is all cleaned out and Andy's Mom comes in and exhales. She realizes that he is leaving and what that will feel like. And there is it - the reason I wear waterproof mascara ALL THE TIME. Will I ever get that moment? Will I ever get the opportunity to feel that? What college will he go to? What will it be like? What if I am not there? How will Grant deal with it? Grant needs me to help him. I slowly look over at Mason who is happily munching on his popcorn, I close my eyes, wipe the tears, grab his hand and go back to the movie that is very touching, the moment that is precious, and the memory-in-the-making of Mason's First Movie. Happy Monday, Ang

Wow - it is already Tuesday...

2010-07-13T08:57:00.000-07:00

I think the thought of chemo again was easier than chemo again. Everything went exactly like it always did. For some reason, I thought I would have better control over it. I have been out of chemo for so long (15 months), I have been working out and I am strong. Here is the secret....chemo is stronger. I got through all the usual suspects constipation, not really remembering much, etc. I even remembered when I was on the phone to check interest rates for refinancing the house, I thought, "Wow, maybe I should not be doing this right now" and I handed the phone to Grant. He was like, "Who am I talking to??" I replied, "Wells Fargo to refi the house." And he was like, "O-K-A-Y." He willing took on that project. I also remembered that I should not do anything with Visa Cards or bill pay. There were some very questionable purchases/payements last time and me saying, "Yes, I know I bought this, but now (in my right mind) I really want to return it." Donna did a great job with the kids at her house in Stanwood. She even had to go to the ER with Nolan for a gash in his head. Darn coffee table! Yep, Donna got the first trip to the ER with Nolan. She did great and Nolan didn't even cry - stitches and all. It may have been a blessing in disguise. He has been batting at his ear and I have been checking for ear infection for about a week. So while he was there, Grant told Donna to have them look at his ear. No ear infection (which I was confident in), but guess what?!?!?! He had a bead in his ear. I am not kidding. I suspect it has been there for a while.....nice.....great parenting. So, ear saved and forehead stitched. Poor Donna, but even poorer Krista, my cousin, who was stopping my my Aunt's house and was quickly whisked away to the emergency room since she is a seasoned parent of two. She was extremely helpful to Nolan talking him through what was going on and what was going to happen. Nolan told me that she said, "rista say it will be all better Mommy!" Thank you Krista!!! Then Monday came. Physically I was better, but I couldn't shake the nausea. I was nervous about taking anti nausea because of their side effects on my bowels, and finally my Mom said, "Ang, this is not the chemo. I think you need an anti-anxiety pill. You are worried about everything - Nolan, how you will cope on chemo, how you will do this time..." This is where she stopped, but I went on in my head with....being a burden on Grant, not being able to support Grant in the business, not being able to cook and "save" money, not be able to work [I was planning on getting a real job with clear scan results], how are we going to make ends meet with a new business, etc.)" So, I thought about it and thought, "Crap, it is worth a try." I was a little concerned about how many of those I was taking. I am such a nilly, I took less than 12 in a year - four of which were in the last month. Yeah, a real addict!!! I remember getting a refill on them, but he only gave me 12 the first time, so in my mind I didn't have that many, but when I reached for the bottle I found that I got 30 this time! So, I popped one of those suckers and nausea GONE. Anxiety - what a bitch. It is amazing what happens when you calm down. All the sudden everything is okay. It may not be perfect, but is manageable. Nolan was fine with a huge band aid on his head and able to hear me saying, "Is it a good idea you are on the counter....I can still get your milk you know...." We decided not to refinance the house because really, Grant and I are in a very good financial situation. We did it right for 16 years and now we are benefiting from it. We took Jane up on coming out to help for a few weeks and we paid for the ticket (first class even!) with miles (thank you - you know who!). At about that moment, Mom says, "Honey, I found dinner on your porch but there are no instructions." I think, "Crap, it is Monday and I slept through someone coming." I checked the calendar and it was Danielle - bookclub, steady helper in this - and I say, "Mom, can you go the computer. Danielle would have emailed me. Damn, I missed her. She will have instructions, ingredients, how her kids liked it or not, etc." So, my Mom says, "You don't need a computer! Try my new IPAD!" glowingly. I mean - GLOWINGLY! Of course, she has an IPad. My Mom is the most techie "senior" around. So, with a flip of the switch, I am connected, checking email and there it is...Danielle's email with everything. Such an organized girl! And, just like her kids, my kids ate it up, it was the first solid food outside of toast I ate, and all was right with the world again. We are going to be fine - because of medicine, because of proper planning, because of friends, because of family, because of help calendars, because of...well....love. Happy Tuesday, Ang

My week of freedom

2010-07-07T21:29:00.000-07:00

I am exhausted. I have frantically run around trying to get everything ready for my internment and, of course, in Angie fashion, I did. Unfortunately, the stress came out on my Mom and on Grant. Get this....it was about sheets - like bed sheets. I know, it wasn't really about bed sheets, it was about, "Why me?"; mourning my new life that I had for the last 12 months, feeling like a burden on my husband, children, family, friends; wondering what I did wrong (which I don't think I did); wondering how evil I could have been in a previous life to deserve this (which is stupid to think about, but I do sometimes), etc. etc. etc. I was the perfect example of insane as I was SCREAMING the "F" word in my Mom's car. The best part - the windows were all down. Yep, class act that Angie Clarno. My Mom's response you ask? "Okay... Are we done with that dear???? No, honey, I know, it is fine, and I know it is not about sheets." I give it a 10 on the supportive Mom scale. On the 4th, I was at a friend's house and an older woman came out onto the street to watch the fireworks. She told me that it was her birthday, but she couldn't celebrate it because she lost her daughter to cancer on the 6th of July four years ago and that is all that she thinks about. She went on and on about the treatment and how bad it was, on and on about how in the end her daughter told her it was okay and that she (the daughter) was fine. Bored out of their minds, my kids left to watch fireworks across the street and, because I was raised right, I stayed and talked to her. Finally, the fury, anger, stress, and anxiety of spending time with her and not my kids during fireworks right before chemo was killing me. I managed to nicely (not like the screaming "f" word incident) tell her that I was a little familiar with the cancer process as I am, once again, a cancer patient. (Maybe I am a bad person?) Bob (cancer buddy that past two years ago this month) would be pissed at me for that. I am to say, "Cancer Survivor" always. But, I didn't feel like saying that, plus "cancer patient" drove the point home. The conversation turned naturally with a tilt of the head and a narrowing of the eyes, ended nicely, and I went to the kids. I love fireworks - next year - BIG ONES! In the end, I did have a good week. I wish I could have gone a little slower, a little less coordination, a little more easy time, but I will get that now BY DESIGN. My Mom called this morning from Las Vegas. She and my Dad had made plans to go away for just a few days MONTHS ago and I made them go. She was willing to cancel the whole thing. (Hello - Las Vegas in July??? There is a reason to cancel or never make the plans!!!) This is tough for her and as she told me that she loved me her voice started to shake. I wanted her to because if she didn't, cancer would have won and I just can't stand for that. I am taken care of. The boys are in school today and tomorrow and, for the first time, they will see me with my pump on tonight. Mason asked all sorts of questions and I just said, "You will be here tonight and Mommy will feel okay, but you can't and I mean can't play on me, wrestle with me, etc. Tomorrow after school you will go to Auntie Donna's for the weekend. That is when Mommy will feel bad. We will come get you when I feel better." All Mason heard was AUNTIE DONNA and responded with a resounding, "YIPPEE!!!" Funny how they filter..... Off to chemo with Shelly, Ang

Chemo starts 7/8

2010-07-02T09:33:00.000-07:00

So, after my odyssey tour of two colorectal surgeons, my radiation oncologist, and my oncologist, we have made a plan. Three of the four agree that we should try chemo first. The cancer is small in my rectum and, since I responded so well last time in my pelvis, we should give her another go. The other surgeon said, "Full colostomy, no options, but reconstruction, no chemo and after it is over you can do anything but be a line backer." Pause. O-K-A-Y. With colorectal surgery, you have a few options so you want to talk to more than one surgeon. They are a K-pouch, a J-pouch, and a full colostomy. K and J are just the way they are shaped. They are reconstructions of your lower colon and rectum and allow you to "go normally". They actually reconstruct it with part of your colon since you have yards and yards of it. K is not very popular and when I asked about it, they were like, "Yeah, no. Stop reading the Internet." J is a possibility with one of the surgeons because, and I quote, "Angie, I mean this in the kindest of ways. (Pause) You have large hips, so there is a lot of room for me to work and have the possibility of a J-pouch working." I was like, "Well, there is the first thing they have been good for. Clearly, they weren't for child birth since I had two C-sections!" Another "humorous" conversation I had was with my radiation oncologist. He said, "Ang, I can't give you any more radiation to your pelvis. The damage I would do would not be reversible and as you now know, the healing process is long in the pelvis. (Yeah, buddy, I know, we are 2 and a half years out!) BUT, I was looking at your lungs....... and I think......yes, I believe I would like a shot at them....new technology....cyber knife....blah blah blah blah." I am thinking, "My pelvis is saved! WHA??? Do I have a target on my back???? 'Shot at my lungs'??? You know, it takes a special (bordering on warped) person to want to be a radiation oncologist...." More quotes..."This is early. We have time to play with this a bit." Play. O-K-A-Y. "Ang, you are not going to die for this. We have some time before the tumor in your rectum burrows through your vagina and stool come out." That is pretty much when I took the anti anxiety pill. Heck, poop coming our your vagina makes chemo sound easy! So, chemo it is! This will be a different schedule for me, but it affords me 90% of the summer fun I already had planned and I get to go with Shelly. She, by the way, is in complete remission. She will continue chemo through the summer as a precaution, and will do Avastin for a year after that. I couldn't be happier for her and will enjoy her last four sessions with her. I am not sure the chemo floor will know what hit them!!!! Last thing, as many of you have asked, I will have a help calendar. If you are interested in helping, please email Sarah at sarah_09@comcast.net. I think I will do the same process and need help with meals and housecleaning. Thank you for all the emails, thoughts, prayers, and love - your support helps me push through those doors and holds me up when I want, well, you know..... Enjoy your 4th, we have great plans and I am going to enjoy my last few days of freedom - love, Ang

Silly Mama!

2010-06-30T15:41:00.001-07:00

Okay, I am in the middle of getting all my advice from my team so I am not going to update you on that, but I will tell you an enduring story about my Nolan. So, remember how I had a day off yesterday? Well, two summers ago, Karissa and I came up with "Summer Adventures" where each week we plan a fun outing with all the kids (her three and my two) each week. This was a way for me to get out with the kids WITH back up. This once necessary procedure has turned into a coveted tradition. So, if the kids behave and do well on all the adventures, they get a GRAND finale at the end of the summer. So, the first week, I had a colonoscopy. Yeah, I wasn't there, but Karissa took the kids on adventure by herself. I know! She is WAY brave. If the situation was reversed, I would be like, "Yeah, no, sorry!" Anyhoo, yesterday, we had another adventure. We went to the Seattle Sculpture Park and had lunch by the water. The kids did GREAT! Funny part - Karissa's kids told me that they call the adventures "Angie's Adventures" because they don't like their Mom's choices on the adventures. Now, that really isn't quite fair. Karissa's choices last year did kinda stink, but it isn't ENTIRELY her fault. But now, the kids are convinced that she can't pick them well at all. What they don't know is that she has picked the Grand Finale this year. I have to say, it is brilliant. However, if in the unlikely event it turns bad, I am throwing her under the bus. I know, I am brutal! Anyway, we got home, Nolan took at rest, and when he got up Mason was outside with the neighborhood kids playing. Nolan was none too interested in playing outside, so he did some "work" and got a treat. I told him he could have five Swedish Fish (a bag I got from IKEA). When I looked at the size of the fish, I was like, "OMG, this is a lot for a three year old." But I said five and he can count, so you know the drill. He finished three and said, "Look Mommy, I have TWO left!" I replied, "Do you want to save them for tomorrow?????" hopingly (Is that a word???). And, he turned around, looked up and me and said, "SILLY MAMA! We will save the ones in the bag for tomorrow!!! I eat these today!!!" He turned back around shaking his head like, "What a loony tune!!!!" Message.....All we got is today - LIVE IT UP!!!! :) Angie

Great weekend and just in time....

2010-06-28T11:27:00.001-07:00

We went away camping this past weekend. It was just what we needed. We were at Lake Chelan with John Knox Church group again this year. Last year, I was there four weeks after lung surgery. This year I had hoped for a one year celebration sort of thing, but we all know how that went. Maybe next year, yathink? We did Slidewaters water park on Friday and Lake Chelan State Park Beach on Saturday. I was REALLY nice. The weather was amazing. The kids had SO much fun. We had movies in our tent in the afternoon - it was REALLY crowded with five kids all our stuff and a portable DVD player bouncing around, but it was a hoot. We got away from all this cancer crap, saw friends, and I even stayed up at the campfire until 10:30!!! I know - I was OUT OF CONTROL!!! :) Yes, I talked about my cancer. How could I not? The important part was that it didn't dominate me or my time. So, as I was doing laundry this morning I got the call on the pathology. It is cancer. Deep down I knew it was. How could it not be? It GLOWED on the scan. The same cancer is in my rectum that I had three years ago. They matched it to the biopsy from my original tumor. My oncologist later called and said, "You know, I want to have you see everybody again and then decide. We want everyone's input on this." So, I have four doctor's appointments in the next three days with my oncologist's being last. And, yes, chemo is back on the table. Not happy about that, but what am I going to do. I also added one more colorectal surgeon on my list. I thought I should get a second opinion. This is one area of colorectal cancer that docs really have different approaches on, so I am getting a couple. It could change the way I live forever or at least, my forever. My appointments are on Wednesday and Thursday, so I have Tuesday off. I am going to enjoy it with the boys as today as been far to cluttered with doctor's calls, medical history form downloads, sitting by the phone, setting up appointments, and laundry. I will be better tomorrow with rest, love, and some time to lick my wounds. Take good care, Ang

Done for the weekend....

2010-06-23T08:46:00.000-07:00

Well, all the tests are done. My blood culture is fine which I assume is good and means that they infection is not in my blood. I really don't know, but I think that is a educated guess. My colonoscopy went well. There is a polyp in my rectum which I am not sure they removed or not - that is weird, but they are biopsying it and we will know on Monday. My new colorectal guy was like, "I will tell call Hank right after this as he is a bit impatient with you..." and then I don't remember anything after that. I was completely out of it even when I came home. I felt awful, but I was pretty keyed up before the test, so I think the "relaxing" hit me hard. I came home and didn't really remember anything but getting into bed. Karissa took the kids to the park and Grant went to work. The last thing I remember was my Mom saying, "You are sleeping a lot. Here is some lunch and I think I am going to take off, okay?" I didn't know if that was a dream of not, but I woke up and there was lunch and when I turned on the TV with was on the Spanish channel. Chances are it wasn't a dream. So, I have a little reprieve from all the stuff and I plan on enjoying the weekend - you should too! Love, Ang

More tests.....

2010-06-21T14:04:00.000-07:00

My blood culture is fine or at least that is what my oncologist's office said when I told them my new colorectal surgeon wanted to schedule a colonoscopy next week which they said, "Yeah, that won't work, find someone else that can do it." And miraculously, my new colorectal guy is available at 8:30 tomorrow.....that keeps happening.... Silver lining....weighing myself tomorrow morning. It is a happy moment when you are dehydrated and there is NOTHING in your colon. I put that weight on my Driver's License. My new colorectal surgeon is actually pretty funny. He was funny the entire time and I like that he said, "Hank (oncologist) told me to do a colonoscopy and I do whatever he says so I see NO point to poking around up there today if I am just going to see everything anyway." Bullet dodged. BUT it was especially funny when he said, "Okay, so now I usually say something like we don't know what this is, so lets not worry until we know etc. etc." pause...looks at me....looks at me again....."but you look like you are pretty good at this 'dodge the reaper' game, so do you want the pep talk or not?" I shook my head no. I lost my voice this weekend, so he didn't have the pleasure of my gab. He said, "Well, hopefully, you are just a vomit." I looked at him like, "Yeah, whaaa??" "Oh! You don't know that one yet?? Victim Of Medical Imagining Technology. VOMIT!" Yes, let's hope for vomit......gotta go!!!!! Ang

So, here I am in my VERY clean house....

2010-06-18T11:42:00.000-07:00

Cleaning is therapeutic for me. And, as I was scrubbing the tops of my kitchen cabinets, I started to think about how things have unfolded. If I didn't have the two spots, we would have never done the PET. If we never did the PET, we would have never found the whateveritis in my right lung and butt. And if we never found that, who knows, maybe it could have killed me. So, before I start feeling 'thankful' for the cancer in my left lung. I am thinking that it just made a bad move. Cancer plays to destroy and conquer, but everyone has a bad move every once in a while. So, sorry cancer, didn't take the fake. LOSER! Today, I am scheduled for blood cultures and on Monday I see my 'new' colorectal surgeon. Funny, he was totally booked through July 1st when they were scheduling me and then with no explanation he was COMPLETELY open Monday. So, I get the first appointment. Weird, but in a very good way. Have a great weekend, Ang